


Books and Hearts Need to Be Handled Gently

by anarchycox



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Coming Out, Feels, Fluff, Get together fic, Grumpy merlin, Happy Ending, Heartache, Hurt/Comfort, Kindness, M/M, Merlin is a public librarian, Merlin is not Kingsman, Past Abuse, Referenced Past Homophobia, Young Eggsy, but not with eggsy, hard conversations, just the worst with people, mission based injuries, nothing romantic happens when he is 16, older eggsy, soft fic, story starts when eggsy is 16, supportive family, time jump between chapter one and two
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2020-05-16 14:06:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 59,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19319716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anarchycox/pseuds/anarchycox
Summary: Merlin hates people, which is a problem when he works in the public sector. There is a tolerable enough boy, though who comes into his library branch. He can't understand though why Eggsy seems to seek him out, when he clearly knows how the library works. But he can't stop himself from caring about the lad, just a bit.Years later, Eggsy can't believe that he has run into the librarian who was his first gay crush, and that memory had been wrong - Merlin was even hotter than he remembered. He saved the world, maybe he can can properly flirt with the first person he remembered loving, who treated him with care. Though it might be a little hard, the guy is still grumpy and clueless. But Eggsy can do this.





	1. Chapter 1

“Hey, I got a bit of a problem, yeah?”

“One moment, please,” Merlin requested, not looking up from the screen. The co-op student had done...something to the computer, and he had been trying to fix it for an hour. “The other librarian can help you,” he added. Christ he hated patrons. He typed a little more. “There ye are, you fucking little taint stain.”

“Excuse me?”

Huh. Merlin looked up, and realized there was in fact no other librarian at the front desk. “I said there you are, now how may I help you?” He tried to smile like his boss had suggested, and the lad took a step back. He sighed. “What do you need?”

The lad held up a book missing the cover. “I can explain. See -”

“Is the explanation going to even remotely have the truth in it?” Merlin looked at the book, the cover had clearly been torn off. He waited as the man flushed a little. “I don’t actually care. I do appreciate you bringing it in.”

“Late fees are a bitch,” he said. “Are you going to take my library card away?”

He looked about 16, and frankly any teenager who actually used the library? He wasn’t going to be the complete monster the rest of the staff thought he was. “No,” he said softly, and watched the man’s shoulders relax. He took the book and scanned the back. “Mr. Unwin, books get damaged. It happens.” He looked at the spine, which was cracked in multiple places and had loose pages. “Likely this book would have been decommissioned in a few uses.”

“Decommissioned?”

“Aye, we have a semi annual sale, books we have too many copies of, ones a bit worn out. Always a few good finds in there.” Merlin looked at him. “Go on then, enjoy the library.”

“Thanks,” he looked so relieved. “I didn’t...he didn’t mean to rip. I should have been paying attention.”

“Mr. Unwin, the library welcomes you.” Merlin had no idea why he phrased it like that, but the young man just seemed to lose all the tension he was carrying.

“I was actually wondering. Liked that book, any other authors like it?”

“I have no idea,” Merlin tried to psychically tell the lad to go the fuck away, but he kept standing there.

“You a librarian or wot? Librarian me.”

“Fine.” Merlin typed a little, “according to google, ye might also like the works of Douglas Adams, Terry Pratchett, and Jasper Fforde. Oh wait, I’ve actually read Fforde, pick him.”

“You are old, thought all old blokes had read Adams,” he said.

“I’m in my forties which will come quicker for you than you realize,” Merlin snapped. “I’ve librarianed, now you go patron.”

“Don’t you need to have like some people skills to work the front desk?”

“Aye, which is why I usually don’t.”

“Okay, well have a good day...Merlin?” the lad snorted a bit.

Merlin just waved him off. He sighed when an old lady came up to him. “No, we are out of Fifty Shades of Grey,” he said automatically.

“Oh, well, what other porn can you recommend?” she said, and Merlin heard the boy laugh as he walked away. Merlin debated burning the library down. But he’d only want to burn the patrons no the books. He’d have to research that.

*********

He was back in the references stacks putting away books. A secondary school had been on a research trip and the shelves were a bloody mess. He found a fizzy drink bottle, a granola wrapper and a joint. He binned the garbage and pocketed the joint, because well, he had to keep up with what the kids were into these days. Merlin was contentedly shelving in an area that saw few patrons, when he heard footsteps.

“Mr. Unwin,” he nodded.

“You remember me?” the lad was clearly surprised.

“You are memorable,” Merlin replied, and continued shelving. He missed the way the lad lit up at that. He sighed. “Were you a member of the field trip?”

“Yeah.”

“Does this belong to you?” He held up a bra. “I honestly am not even sure I want to know.”

“Well, teenagers are horny fuckers?”

“Maybe if they fucked more, they’d be less horny.”

“Wait, did you just advocate teen sexuality?”

Merlin replayed his words. “Apparently. Well that is unfortunate. And I don’t think what I meant. I had a four hour meeting this morning, and didn’t kill anyone, so my brain is a little off.” He threw the bra on his shoulder and kept working. “You never answered, does the bra belong to you.”

“No,” Eggsy replied. “But uhh...something else may have fallen out of my pocket?”

“Ahh, I already threw out the half eaten granola bar.” He moved the cart to the next row.

“No...um...something else. Something not really supposed to be in a library.”

“How did you fit the fizzy drink bottle in your pocket?” Merlin was playing clueless deliberately, curious if the lad would admit that it was the other thing he had found. He put the last of the books away. “What did you research while you were here?”

“We were working on future career crap. Like our school actually cares where we end up, no one fucking cares about us.”

“I care deeply,” Merlin replied. “I want to stab each and everyone of you for fucking up my shelves. I bloody hate field trips.”

“Jesus, they lock you in a cage when the little kids come in don’t they?”

“Actually, I am brilliant with the under five set,” Merlin replied. “And I’m not giving you back the joint.”

“What joint?”

“I am tired, my library is a mess, and the guy in the office decided after our four meeting to inform me about the shit he had been holding in. So trust me Mr. Unwin, I need this item more than you.”

“Fine, then pay me for it,” he jutted out his chin. “Or I tell your boss that you have drugs on you. Won’t someone think about the children?”

“No,” Merlin looked at him. “You wouldn’t grass on me. I recognize that chip on your shoulder. You don’t trust authority.”

“Who fucking does?”

“People not raised poor like us.”

“You don’t look poor.”

“Do you think public librarians make a fortune?”

“No, but bet you make enough to give me ten quid for that joint?”

“If I do that, you might turn to a life of crime, and I’d see you arrested on the news, and I’d be devastated that I was the start of that all. No, neither of us should travel down that road. I need to keep the joint safe, and free. Protect you from sin.”

“Fuck off.”

“May I help you find a book, Mr. Unwin?”

“No, you can give me the fucking joint, so he doesn’t kill me, okay?”

“Ahh,” Merlin realized there was a bit more to this. “I honestly do not feel comfortable handing drugs back to a child.”

“Fucking 16, all sorts of things I can do.”

“Yes, drive, legally fuck, and if you get a hard nose judge be tried as an adult.” Merlin pulled out his wallet and gave him twenty quid. “Will this keep you safe?”

“Yeah, probably.”

“Do you know the owner of the bra?”

“Might be Kaleigh, or Shauna?” Eggsy shrugged. “They got tits enough to fill that.”

“Charming,” Merlin sighed. “Well I suppose I now am the proud owner of a bra, because like fuck I am putting it in the lost and found with someone’s precious perfect lost Thomas the Train. Go me, first bra that will have been in my drawers.”

“You ain’t complete ugly. Why no bird getting a leg over ya?”

“Because I am completely queer,” Merlin answered.

“Oh.”

Merlin sighed. “Say whatever you want.”

“I’m bi?” the boy looked sick. “Oh god, first time I said that out loud. Fuck.” He had to lean against the stacks.

Merlin went over but didn’t touch him. “It will be okay.”

“Will it?”

“Maybe, maybe not. But think the first person you told? They didn’t try to kick your teeth in and stab you with a beer bottle.”

“That’s a bit specific?”

“My father was a specific man,” Merlin said. “Plus side, he’s been dead fifteen years. And I am looking at you, Mr. Unwin, and will say this. Life fucking sucks enough as it is, so better to fuck someone you actually want to, no matter what junk they are carrying about.” He couldn’t figure out what sort of look the lad had in his eyes. He should say something else. “No porn on the interweb that says natural is actually such, even amateur completely staged.”

“You are completely insane, aren’t you?”

“It seems so. Have a good day, Mr. Unwin.”

“I told a pissy librarian I’m bi. I suppose...I need to tell my mum?”

Merlin shrugged. “You need to. But the timeline on that is very flexible. As flexible as you need.”

“You are a mean bastard, but you don’t suck.”

“I would ask that you write that on a comment card. My semi annual performance review is soon. And there was an incident last week.”

“I’ll absolutely do that.”

“Good day, Mr. Unwin.”

Merlin was rather surprised at his review when his boss was happy that one patron had had glowing comments about him and that after two years Merlin was finally adjusting to the public sector after the academic one. He looked at the card after. The library card had said Gary, but it said Eggsy Unwin. Eggys was as poor a name as Gary.

But it was very kind of the lad to say Merlin was ‘not complete rubbish, and under the snark was rather helpful to a very confused patron.’

******

“Right then, poems.”

“Wrong then, shelving.” Merlin didn’t look up. “We have an actual reference desk person, Mr. Unwin.”

“Yeah but she was a cunt about me dripping everywhere, like it were my fault a storm hit unexpectedly.”

“Don’t call Margaret a cunt, she is lovely,” Merlin replied.

“Name tag weren’t Margaret, it were Liza.”

“Oh well, she is a cunt, so fair.” Merlin looked at him. “Drip on the floor, not my books.” He looked miserable, like a puppy that got locked out in the rain. “Did you not even have one of your absurd hats?”

“A snapback is not absurd, bruv,” he glared. “Just tell me where I can find some twentieth century poems for public speaking.”

The boy squeaked a bit as he shifted his weight, and the water moved in his shoes.

Merlin sighed, he looked nothing like the defiant boy he was used to seeing around the library. “Come along then,” he said. He wound his way through the stacks and went to a door at the back and keyed in a code.

“Poems are so fucking important that you have them on lock down? You got the first folio or something in there?”

Merlin snorted. “Yes, this branch hosts the nation’s most important poetic crap.”

“Not a poetry fan? Me neither. But apparently if we speak it well, we can do well in life. Jamal pulled 16th Century. Twentieth Century at least it is English.”

“Shakespeare is in fact English,” Merlin pointed out. He went into the break room and grabbed a few tea towels. He then took Eggsy to the employee bog. “Here, dry off a little, and tell me the other requirements of the assignment.” Merlin waited but the boy was just looking between him and the towels. “Well? Come on then, I have work.”

The boy started drying off his hair. “Well it can’t be like a haiku, or guess it could, but I have to speak for three minutes? And have it memorized. Which fucking hell, what poems are that memorable that I can remember three minutes of it?” He looked at Merlin. “It is supposed to ‘speak to me’ about who I am and the world about me. Poems are just wankers wanking.”

“In many instances yes. You are...16?”

“Yeah, 17 in a couple months.” He took his shoes off, and squeezed water into the sink. His track jacket was complete sodden and he began to wring it out.

“Take off your vest there,” Merlin said and lay out the other tea towel on the ground. He looked up and the boy was stepping back. “I’ll dry your top a little for you,” he explained. The boy slowly took the shirt off and then crossed his arms over his chest and shivered a bit. Even with this the shirt would be completely dry. Merlin took off his jumper and tossed it to Eggsy. “There that will keep you warm. I am sure there is a plastic bag we can put this in.” He carefully rolled the tee in the towel and squeezed. It helped quite a bit. He stood up. “What speaks to you generally?”

“My mates, my mum, my stepda.” Merlin noticed the small flinch on the last one but didn’t comment. His sweater was rather large on the lad, not quite comical, but still nowhere near fitting. He collected the wet things, and went back to the kitchen where there was a bag. He dumped them in.

“There ye go, and that was a clever answer enough. But do better or I’ll nae help you.”

“Librarians are supposed to be helpful you know.”

“Eggsy, I am endlessly helpful.”

“You know my name.”

“It was on your comment card, which I appreciated by the way.”

“You did?”

“Aye, you made my boss completely gobsmacked. He is ten years younger than me, and a giant cocktwaffle, but that particular meeting went better than expected.”

“You are seriously just not meant for the public sector. Unless it was like I don’t know...something not this.”

“I am a great librarian, but I was not meant for the public sector. But budgets were slashed at the college I worked at and here I am. Weee. Now what fucking speaks to you? What do you love. Or better what do you hate?” Merlin lead him to the poetics section. It wasn’t an area he generally cared about, but having worked at a college he knew some basics. So many men with sad facial hair quoted poetry to get laid. It never worked.

“Why hate?”

“Because the best poetry is angry poetry. And you look like you have a good bit of anger to unleash.”

“I hate...I hate my English teacher, posh and slumming it so can feel good about helping students better themselves. We’re fine enough aren’t we? Just because I don’t talk like a fucking BBC newscaster, don’t mean I’m an idiot. I hate that the school generally thinks we are all rubbish and will never get off the block. Because maybe we will and maybe there are some great people on the block. And I hate my stepda and his mates, and I fucking hate that my real da is dead, and I just fucking hate so much.”

“I remember that feeling, though it was my da, not my stepda.” Merlin looked at the shelves. “This one.” He plucked a book from the shelf, and read the first few lines when he got it to the right page.

 

_I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked,_

_dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix,_

_angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night,_

_who poverty and tatters and hollow-eyed and high sat up smoking in the supernatural darkness of cold-water flats floating across the tops of cities contemplating jazz,_

_who bared their brains to Heaven under the El and saw Mohammedan angels staggering on tenement roofs illuminated_

 

“That suit you?” Merlin asked.

“What the fuck is that?” Eggsy was staring at him stunned.

“Allen Ginsberg’s Howl. American poets of a certain era are very angry. I thought you would enjoy.” Merlin shrugged. “But we can find you something about trees.”

“That will piss off the teacher.”

“Probably, it is quite sexual, and angry, and blasphemous.” Merlin smiled. “Think you can memorize three minutes of that?”

Eggsy took the book. “Yeah, think I can.” He looked at the words mouthed them. “This is sick.”

“It is.”

“You need your jumper back.”

“Yes because you should go out in crap weather in wet clothes. Just drop it off at the front desk sometime. Good luck with the assignment.” Merlin started to go back to where he left his cart.

“Hey, Merlin?”

He rolled his eyes, “What now? We are done our interaction.”

“You are a complete tit, but like you are better to me than most everyone I know. So thanks.”

He wondered why the boy was so flushed at saying that. But what kind of shit life did he have that Merlin was a highlight, he was just a librarian. “You need better people in your life.”

“Don’t I know it.”

“Until next time, Mr. Unwin.”

“You can stick with, Eggsy?” The boy’s voice cracked a little.

“Drink some tea with honey, so you don’t blow your voice before the assignment, Eggsy.” Merlin went back to his shelving and maybe ran his boss’s toes over with the cart on his way by.

*********

It was stupid but they had everyone’s birthday in their files. And Eggsy’s was today. There was barely a slim chance the lad would be in that day but he had seen the thing in the corner shop when he had been picking up a sandwich and on impulse bought it. He didn’t wrap it though. He left it on his desk, just in case the lad came in.

Which he did three days later with a black eye. Merlin looked at him and Eggsy just shook his head. He handed back some books. “Know they are late.”

Merlin checked the books in and then did a little typing. “No, you got them in on time,” he replied. “You had your dates wrong.”

“Bruv, I don’t need fucking charity. I have the two quid.”

“Good for you. Now wait there for a second.” Merlin went back to his desk and grabbed the thing. “Here.” He handed it to Eggsy.

“What’s this?”

“A plastic wallet for your library card, you just always have it in your pocket, you can attach it to your keychain. So you don’t lose it.” Merlin shrugged. “Your file had your birthday. So...happy birthday.” Oh fuck the boy started to cry. “You hate pugs?” The back of the little plastic fold had a pug in a crown on it. It was a stupid thing to get a lad who just turned 17. “It was stupid. My apologies.”

“My mum didn’t even remember,” Eggsy held the little pug wallet tight. “Bruv, does life always treat us like shit?”

Fuck, how did he answer that? “For some, yes.” That was probably not the correct thing to say.

Eggsy laughed a little, and a few more tears fell. Merlin offered him a tissue. “We live in a world of inequality, and injustice, and some people are fucked completely over, day after day, until they die in pain and misery, alone, and utterly forgotten.”

“Wow, that’s just the best you’ll be okay Eggsy talk ever,” Eggsy snorted. “Why do they even have you on the front desk again. They never let you on it.”

“I insisted.”

“Why?”

“Make sure I saw you to give you the birthday gift. It has been fucking miserable, and I have devised the perfect crime, a way to murder people with 10,000 paper cuts. I had to deal with a hipster who was being nostalgic over card catalogues, Eggsy. He needed to be stabbed.”

“But you didn’t.”

“Of course not. I hate people, but I’m not actually going to kill them.” Merlin rolled his eyes. “I just want them to fucking leave me alone.”

“You got me a birthday gift, not a lot of hate in that,” Eggsy said softly.

“You are tolerable.”

“Bruv, that gets me right here.” Eggsy pressed a fist to his heart. But Merlin watched him put his library card in the plastic and attach it to his key chain. “I think that is me.”

“What, the pug?”

“No, the pain and misery crap.”

Merlin shook his head. “No, lad. I don’t think it is.”

“How can you be sure?”

“I can’t,” Merlin replied. “But a lad who likes the library? He has a leg up on many. He can at least see that there are choices on his path. They might seem small, but they are there. And you can make them.”

“Okay,” Eggsy wiped the last of the tears away. “Thanks for the gift.” He looked around. “You know that bloke is looking at porn on the public computer and is gonna go to the bog and wank?”

“He has wikipedia open.”

“Corner, tiny. Porn.”

“I fucking hate humanity.”

“With a few exceptions.”

“Aye, with just a couple. Go to the hold shelf and get out your books.”

“Don’t have any on hold.”

“I secured you the next in that series.”

“Oh. You’re the guv, Merlin.”

“Thank you, now I have to go deal with porn man. Isn’t today just a special day?”

“Yeah, it is.”

Merlin wasn’t paying attention to Eggsy anymore, and went to deal with the situation on the computers.

******

“Excuse me?”

“You are being transferred to the branch in Kensington. They have a gap, and you are being shuffled over there,” his boss said.

“But I have everyone here, broken in,” Merlin protested.

“You mean, scared.”

“Aye, I’ve not had to sign a birthday card in months.”

“Sorry,” the boss clearly was not sorry. “You start there Monday.”

“Fuck off then, you are a miserable boss, who doesn’t actually love books, and I hope that one day a shelf collapses on you and a copy of...the OED concusses you.”

“How about you take the rest of the week off?”

“How about I do,” Merlin agreed. He collected his few belongings and no one offered a goodbye, which was expected. But there was something he wanted to do. He went into the system and added a note to Eggsy’s file, that any late fees incurred were not to be charged to Eggsy, but to Merlin. It was a small thing but it mattered to Merlin. He took the banker’s box and headed out of the Swiss Cottage Library. He started towards the tube when he heard a shout.

“Oi, Merlin!”

Eggsy, he recognized the voice. He turned and waited. “Wait, did you get fired? Because you are an arse to everyone?”

“No, I am being transferred to the Kensington branch. Wee.”

“You weren’t going to say anything?”

“I found out an hour ago.”

“Suppose you’ll be happier with posh patrons, who don’t treat books like crap, like the people around here.”

“No, I’ll likely hate them more. They have no manners for those not their equal or better.”

“I hear that,” Eggsy hunched in. “Fuck, who will help me in there?”

“You know the system, I don’t actually know why you required my help so much.”

“Come on, bruv,” Eggsy laughed a little.

“I don’t understand,” Merlin was perplexed. “And Margaret is a decent example of humanity, go to her when you need aid.”

“I could stop at the Kensington branch sometimes?”

“That seems an awful waste of your time. Any books there can easily be sent to your branch. I’ve ordered many for you on library loan.”

“Right, yeah, no. Stupid.”

“You are many things, lad, but stupid is not one of them. Make interesting choices.” Merlin blinked when the lad moved close. “What are you doing?”

“Well, I was going to say thanks, shake your hand?”

“My hands are full,” Merlin pointed out. He watched the lad turn bright red. “Are you having an allergic reaction?” Eggsy leaned forward and the kiss that was aiming for lips, brushed Merlin’s jaw. Eggsy hurried away without another word, into the library branch.

Merlin went to the station, and sat down in a fairly empty car. He really hoped the boy would be okay. But he doubted it, life always fucked over the good ones. But still, he hoped.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we move into the future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay i am a bit too in love with this universe so my belief that this would be 2 chapters was wrong. it is now open ended because more is coming.

**_7 or so years later_ **

“Mum, I just got back from New York, and am janked by the time difference, and oh god did you call me while you are puking?” Eggsy got himself upright. He was completely wrecked, and had had maybe 3 hours sleep in the last 48. But if she was sick, he was going over there.

“Thought I was done,” Michelle groaned. “Babe, I have no idea if this is the dodgy curry I ate, or the bug that Daisy had last week. But I need your help.”

“Of course, Mum, I’ll be there in twenty,” Eggsy reassured her. He had a quick shower, and took a Kingsman issue energy pill, which that would keep him going, especially with the triple espresso latte he’d get on the way. He threw on a track suit that was mostly clean, and some beat up trainers. He didn’t need to look decent to sit on a couch watching Disney movies. He did a light jog to the coffee shop, and had the caffeine done in a block, and back to a jog to the house he had put his mum and Daisy in. 

Eggsy let himself in. “Hiya,” he called out, and Daisy came running. He groaned a little as he picked her up, muscles stiff from the mission. He really needed to get a massage. “Mum sick?”

Daisy nodded. “Tummy going boom out mouth and booty.”

“Oh no, heard you were like that last week?” He kissed her forehead. “All better though?”

“Yup. Okay we go.”

“Go?” Eggsy frowned. “Go where, luv? Thought I was going to be sitting with you on the couch, watching movies.” Having a nap during the boring parts. He really wanted to be on that couch. He had bought that couch for them. It was a fucking comfy couch. “We can watch Frozen?”

“Libary.” She cupped his face. “Book Grumster. We go now. Mummy can die in peace, like she want.”

Eggsy bit back a laugh. “I need to check with Mum, luv.”

“Okay, I do my shoes!” Daisy squiggled, and he put her down. 

He went down the hall and knocked on the bog door. “Mum, I hear you want to die in peace?” 

“Yes, no lilies at the funeral. I hate lilies. And dear god, make sure they put mascara on my corpse.” 

He heard retching and other noises that disturbed him. Maybe some weeping. “She wants to go to the library, but I couldn’t quite understand why?”

“Kids reading corner. Every other week the 3-5 year old reading time has the Book Grumpster. She adores him more than anything. Please, Eggsy? I know you hate libraries, but please?” More gross noises came from the bog.

“I don’t hate libraries.” He had just stopped going when the bloke had been transferred. Marvin. He had been decent and without him there, he felt judged and just stopped going. Besides Dean had kept him pretty busy. And if he wanted a book, the Kingsman estate had plenty. “Which branch?”

“Kensington, starts in about 30 minutes. Takes an hour between the story time, dancing, and play time for the kids. And yes you can take her to food after. Some form of something healthy. Please?”

“Course Mum, I’ll bring ginger ale and soda crackers home.”

“Remember no lilies!”

“Will do,” Eggsy promised. He went back to the front of the house and swore. “Oi, we never open the front door without an adult.” Not that she was getting far, it was a heavy front door on purpose, but she was trying.

“Book Grumster. He eats late children!” She looked at him. “We gooooo!”

“Okay, okay,” he said. “We’re going. I just need to google how to get to the branch.”

“I’ll let him eat you,” she said darkly, and glared at him.

Eggsy would not laugh at her, but her angry face was the cutest shit he had ever seen, and he had taught JB to play dead. He opened the door and Daisy tried to drag him along. She started in a direction, and google said she was headed the right way. It wasn’t too far from them actually, and she was babbling about the Book Grumster so fast her words were slurring together and getting higher pitched. He caught maybe one in five words. 

It was a nice looking library. “You know, I used to go to the library a lot when I was a kid. Had a librarian I liked, as much as you and your Book Grumster. Maybe I should get a card too huh?”

Daisy gasped excitedly. “Yes!” 

He picked her up and they went in. “Right where do I find the Book Grumster?”

“Roar,” she whispered, and pointed to the ground. 

Eggsy laughed at the giant footprints with seven toes. He took huge strides to match the path guiding to the kids corner and Daisy whispered a roar with each step. The back corner of the library had a dozen children all bouncing on a carpet.

“Maisey! Kenji!” Daisy squealed, and Eggys quickly put her down so she could babble with her friends. He went to the back wall with the other adults and smiled at few. They looked at him, and a couple bit back a laugh and he thought about killing them for judging the track suit. Instead he pulled out his phone and texted Harry.  _ Daisy goes to the Kensington Library. Research the staff for me. _

**We have a quartermaster**

_ She’s mad at me on account of the teensy weensy explosion that maybe have borked the hard drive she had me bring her back. _ The Morrigan was brilliant and fucking terrified him. She terrified Roxy too, but he was pretty sure that Roxy really liked that particular terror. He did not get wanting to be scared in bed, but hey he was trying to wingman. The Morrigan hadn’t noticed. Or maybe she had. He had no clue, there was no reading that woman. But she was hot as hell, so he supported Roxy’s attempts to flirt. He ever got sunk like that, he’d not flame out like Rox. He had a bit more style than that.

Eggsy was a trained agent, who had saved the fucking world, and if anyone at work found out he jumped hard enough to leave the ground when the first snarl behind the screen happened, he’d never get a moment's peace, or a decent mission ever again. The kids all snarled back. “What the -”

“I know? I was sure this was the worst thing ever, but the kids lovvvvve the Book Grumpster so much,” the mum next to him said. “Kids like to be scared.”

There were more snarls and grunts, and then a low and growly voice called out, “What creatures disturb my rest?”

“We do,” the kids all said.

“Who is we? Is it a talking weed?” There were grunts, and a hand wrapped around the edge of the screen. “Are ye here for my gold?”

“No!”

“Are ye here for my gems?”

“No!”

“Are ye here for my pants?”

Eggsy smiled at the happy giggles that came from all the children. “No,” they shouted.

“Are ye here for my books?”

“YES!!!!” 

“Then I bid the welcome to my home, and probably will not eat you.” 

Eggsy watched as a man in a robe came around the screen. It was like a tattered monks robe, and he had a sort of Gandalfy hat on that was low over his eyes. There was a stuffie owl on one shoulder and a snake on the other. He hobbled into the room and sat on a chair. He stared down at the children and harrumphed. “You there, you have not been brushing your teeth.” He pointed at a boy.

“How did you know?”

“The Book Grumpster always knows,” he said. “Now then, have we been practicing our ABCs?”

“A is for Abracadabra, a thing all mages blah blah blah,” Daisy shouted.

“I see, wise girl remembering. No cauldron for you then.” 

Eggsy frowned, the Book Grumpster seemed a little familiar. He took a cover off a board and went through a very odd alphabet with the children who were cheerfully shouting along. The Grumpster sighed. “Not a single one of you for my cauldron. You know your alphabet too well. I guess, I must be the one to dive in.” He raised his robe arm. “Remember, the monster in the cauldron is very easily distracted. This week he can be distracted by emotions. Shout your feelings for me on the count of three. One, two, THREE!” The grumpster put his hand in a painted cardboard box and kids started shouting out things like happy, sad, angry and the man pulled out two books. “Excellent, I thank you. Now let us see what we have here.” 

The voice was tugging at Eggsy’s brain. He pulled out his phone again  _ Harry who the fuck is the Book Grumpster at the Kensington branch _

**Busy**

_ Play Pokemon later. Look it up. _

**Public Sector, look him up yourself**

Oh, right. Eggsy couldn’t believe he was that stupid and pulled up the libraries webpage and went to ‘our staff’ There was actually a listing for Book Grumpster, who otherwise was a librarian who get their digital systems afloat by the name of Merlin Brays.

Merlin.

Eggsy looked at the man but he was so obscured by the hat. He had been sure the name had been Marvin of the librarian he had had a crush on. But Merlin sat better in a way Marvin never had. The kids were lead in the Monster stomp dance and Daisy threw herself into it completely. Then toys were put out for the kids to play with. Eggsy had to know if it really was the same bloke. 

The grumpster was helping a child with a puzzle and Eggsy went over to where Daisy was playing with magnatiles. He sat next to her, and helped her build a structure.

“Now this is a new creature, ye brought with you, young weed. Will he steal my gold?”

Daisy giggled, and hugged the man’s leg. “No, he’s Eggsy. Mummy sick.”

“Well I hope she gets better.” The grumpster was about to move away then paused. “An Eggsy you say, that is an unusual name.” 

Eggsy caught his breath. He could see the man’s eyes. It was him, the first man he had ever crushed on. “Hiya. I don’t suppose you remember me? Been years. Eggsy Unwin. Swiss Cottage branch?”

“Mr. Unwin,” he replied. “I do remember you.” He nodded and kept moving between the children. And yeah that scanned with Eggsy’s memories. He had perhaps romanticized the man a bit, but remembered that he hated people. When the time was done, most of the parents gathered children away and didn’t help with tidying.

Daisy tugged at his sleeve. “We help.”

“Of course we do,” Eggsy assured her, pleased with her manners. He began to gather the toys up and brought them to the rack.

“Ye don’t need to,” Merlin said.

Eggsy looked at him, and the hat was off. Fuck, he was even hotter than Eggsy remembered, how was that even possible. “Only polite.”

“Manners are often in short supply. You did not have the best ones before.”

“I was 16,” Eggsy replied and kept cleaning up. “Like to think 24 makes me a little smarter than I was.”

“You were smart,” Merlin looked at Daisy. “Though I think you might be smarter. You are a firecracker.”

Daisy grinned at him. “D is Dragons, who burn the whole world down.”

“Very good. You should be proud,” he told Eggsy.

“Every fucking day,” Eggsy said and winced. “No telling Mum I said that word?”

“She says it when car has to go sideways in spot.”

“Parallel parking deserves a curse or two,” Merlin put the last toy away. “Have a good day.”

“I could use a library card,” Eggsy said not wanting Merlin to walk away yet. “If I’m going to be bringing Daisy more, give Mum a bit of a break, should be able to take books out as well.”

“You do that parent thing of referring to your spouse by their parental code versus actual name. Didn’t expect that, though it is common enough in this neighbourhood. Your track suit isn’t though. That matches young you.”

“Like I’m giving up comfy just because I live sorta posh now. And I say Mum, because it is Mum. Daisy is my little sister.” Eggsy looked at him. “You are good with kids, what’s that about?”

“They are honest. And their minds haven’t been boarded up yet. Interesting pockets, that can make interesting choices.”

“You said that to me, to make interesting choices.”

“Did you?”

“No, not until I did,” Eggsy thought of Harry asking him to be a spy. How he only did it because he remembered Merlin telling him to make interesting choices, and he had spent years making the ones people expected him to. So he had made an interesting choice, and saved the fucking world. Wished he could tell Merlin that. That was plenty interesting. “I’m a tailor. Well, buyer for a tailor’s. Travel a lot, finding fabrics and buttons. Buttons are very important to source. Need nice buttons. Buttons are great.” Eggsy groaned as both Daisy and Merlin just looked at him. “Go buttons.”

“Front desk is that way to get your library card, have a good day Mr. Unwin.”

“See you again,” Eggsy promised.

“Oh joy, more patrons who mess up my shelves.”

Daisy poked Eggsy’s thigh. “The grumster is the pretend monster of the library. Even not on story time, he’ll growl at you if you ask nice.”

“Yeah, pretend,” Eggsy grinned at Merlin. “Bet he’s sweet as pie.” He enjoyed the way the man glowered at him. Nice to know that had not changed in the intervening years.

“One last one?” Daisy asked. “Please.”

Merlin made a noise low in his throat, “Get thee away tiny princess, before I feed ye to the monster in the cauldron, he is fearsomely hungry, no overdue fees this week.” He snarled and snapped his teeth, and Daisy giggled, and Eggsy fell all the way back into the crush he had at 16.

He got a library card, then he and Daisy went to the park and out for lunch. He stopped at the grocery store for some supplies, and Michelle was actually on the couch when they got in.

“Mummy you live!”

“Barely, but we can hold off the funeral,” she gave a wan smile. “Book Grumpster mean as ever?”

“He cast a spell on Eggsy, made him stupid. He kept saying buttons.”

“I got a little babbly,” Eggsy flushed a bit. “Knew him actually.”

“Oh?”

“He had worked at Swiss Cottage when I was in school, helped me with research a couple times. Remembered me.”

“That’s nice.”

“You know, Mum, was good fun, and good bonding time with Daisy. Maybe I could take her to the library once a week, when I’m in town? Take her to the Book Grumpster. Give you a little peace and quiet?”

Daisy cheered and Michelle smiled. “I think that would be lovely. Now come watch a movie with us.”

Eggsy settled on the couch and Michelle fell asleep halfway through. His phone vibrated in his pocket. 

A text from Harry.  **The librarian is hot. And has a record.**

Because of course, Harry had done some research. He talked shit, but always helped his agents and friends. What _ sort of record _

**The type that would make him hotter to you. Good hunting.**

Nevermind, he hated his best friend and arranged for a delivery of sunflowers to Harry’s house. Harry hated them but was too gentlemanly not to put them in his house. Eggsy ordered a hundred.

“Book Grumpster really is nice, just grumpy,” Daisy said out of nowhere.

“Yeah, that’s what I remember,” Eggsy said. He thought of the stupid little pug sheath that had cracked and peeled and held together with tape, but still sat in a drawer. “He’s a good man.” One that Eggsy wanted to see again.

  
  



	3. Chapter 3

Eggsy was back with the little girl. Daisy. Merlin kept glancing at him as did his Grumpster routine, and again at the end most of the parents left but Daisy and Eggsy helped clean up. Daisy ran to the display Merlin had put together with this week’s theme and was happily looking at a pop up book that hadn’t yet been destroyed. Merlin pushed the cart to the side and took off his Grumpster robe.

“Oi, you allowed to break character like that when one of the kids is still here?”

“It is hot, and I have fulfilled my obligations,” Merlin replied. He took the three books he had read that week, and went to return them to his shelves. He flashed back to years ago when Eggsy followed him into the stacks. “Mr. Unwin, may I help you?”

“Yeah, actually you can.”

Merlin let out a loud sigh. This library generally understood he was not to people. But some people made you people with them. At least he always remembered the man being one of the more acceptable people to people. “I still have your bra.” He and Eggsy just sort of stared at each other. Merlin was very grateful the wee lass was in the reading corner.

“I…” the man was clearly trying to think how to respond, and was coming up with nothing.

“The field trip. Your joint that I found, there had also been a bra.”

“You remember that?” Eggsy looked shocked. Merlin was shocked by his shock.

“Of course I remember most of my dealings with you.” 

“How? That was years ago?”

Merlin didn’t really have an answer that would sound good. “You weren’t the worst patron I had to deal with.” 

“Well, that’s good. So Daisy, she needs to work on motor skills a bit. Are there good books on arts and crafts, or projects to do with three year olds?”

“Playdoh.”

“Huh?”

“Play with playdoh and any sort of building block. Child safe scissors for cutting snowflakes, and painting. You cannae go wrong with painting. Buy a huge roll of butcher paper and do big things.”

“How do you cut snowflakes?” Eggsy asked.

Merlin was gobsmacked. “You cut snowflakes.”

“Fine, I’ll google later. Excuse me for wanting to help her.” He was flushed and his jaw jutted. Merlin remembered that look. And remembered the boy, who had clearly not had a good time of it. It was easy to forget when looking at the man in bespoke trousers and shirt.

“Mr. Unwin, that was shock, not dismissal. My apologies.” Merlin went to his cart from story time, and checked. He came up with a pair of children’s safety scissors, and a piece of construction paper. “Start with it just folded into quarters. The more folds, the harder it is for little hands. And then just cut shapes and a pretty border. And…” Merlin unfolded it. “Snowflake. And for a bonus challenge buy different coloured tissue paper, glue it to the back and it looks like stained glass.”

“Pretty!” Daisy said coming up to them.

“At craft stores, or online, you can find scissors with different edges as well.”

“Thanks,” Eggsy said. “That looks fun to do, don’t it, Dais?” Merlin smiled when the girl nodded. 

“I will see you, little girl, and perhaps next time feed you to my cauldron.” He added a little snarl, and enjoyed the way she laughed. He nodded to them both and took the cart to the back and then went to settle in at his computer. He found a couple books, and put them on hold for Mr. Unwin. He continued about his day, ignoring as always his phone. He’d check the messages later. When it was his lunch break he turned it on. Only 32 messages not bad. He looked at the various requests for trivia information, complaints about mums, school, footie teams, and whatever else he always got texted.

His favourite nephew warranted a message back. // _ you got stuck babysitting again// _

**No I always dress like a dinosaur.**

Merlin snorted a bit and a coworker dropped her water bottle in shock.  _ //roar _ //

**Megan wants to know when Uncle Merlin is visiting.**

Merlin looked at his calendar. // _ two weeks _ //. There was a long weekend and could take a trip up to see his family. He finished his sandwich, and Sebastian must have spread the word quickly because there were a dozen new messages cheering about him coming to visit.

When he had left home, at twenty, he hadn’t returned until his mum died when he was forty-eight. And he discovered changes. He had been the oldest, and the one their da put all the expectations on, and he was never good enough, and being gay was the last straw. He sent home a card at Christmas and on his mum’s and all his sibling’s birthdays, but otherwise had moved to London and pretended he had no family. He hadn’t gone home for father’s funeral, but once he had died, he had called his mum once a month. 

When he went home for his mother's funeral he had found out his six siblings didn’t like that he had stayed away. He learned he had been missed. That he had nephews and nieces, even a couple grand nephews and nieces, and they were all excited to meet Uncle Merlin. That his mum had always told stories of him, and that he had been away on a magic quest.

He started the Book Grumpster at the library because of the stories he learned that she had told her grandchildren. And when he tried to fade away, sure that he was just a novelty, no one let him. And he found he hadn’t minded. That had been four years ago, and he had become sort of this person that his family complained to, asked advice from, wanted the opinion of. They all lived within five minutes of each other, and he provided an impartial voice, a bit of distance. Every few weeks a teenager or uni student ended up in his guest room, frustrated with parents, confused by life. Merlin had become the family refuge.

He thought it a fine role. Apparently you visited him when you needed the quiet you could never find at home. He answered his brother’s text, confirming he would come visit in a couple weeks for the long weekend. He went back to work still smiling because of the second photo Sebastian had sent of him and his wee sister in matching dinosaur costumes. His smile terrified his coworkers.

They were so bloody weak.

*****

Merlin was not going to murder anyone. He wasn’t. He would think about it, but he wouldn’t. He was using hand sanitizer to clean the foul graffiti off the tiny little glass box in the park. 

“Merlin?”

“Mr. Unwin,” he said, and did not look up from his task. “I am not up to people today.”

“What’s going on?”

“It is a book stop.”

“For the library? I don’t remember these.”

“No, people put them up in public spaces. Take a book, leave a book. Would I prefer people use the public library, of course. But sometimes you want to be able to say you own a thing. I buy the decommissioned books from the library, and bring them to these around the city, stock them up.” He heard Eggsy make a noise, but when he looked at the man, he was very composed. And dressed in running shirts and a vest.

Those were impressive thighs. He went back to his cleaning. “I came to drop off some books, and some syphilitic cock taint pissant thought it clever to deface something that brings good into the world. Just fixing it.”

“That’s good of you.”

“Mr. Unwin, doing the bare minimum that is respectful to those around you does not deserve praise, it should be matter of fact.”

“You are kinda an arse, you know.”

“The last birthday card my second sister sent me, was “to my favourite arsehole,” though she has a 16 year old right now, my ranking might have changed.” Merlin got the last of the mess up. “There. My apologies dear books that you had to deal with your home being defaced.” He put the books in small cupboard and nodded. “Good.” He turned properly around. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Never seen you not in your library clothes.”

Merlin looked down at his denim, and ancient Arsenal shirt. “It is my day off.”

“Mine too.”

“And you spend it running. That sucks.”

“No shit,” Eggsy snorted. “Hate running, but it’s only a third of the workout so I’ll live.”

“You don’t get those thighs from running.”

“No, those are from other activities.”

Merlin wondered if this was a flirtation. He didn’t think so though, the man was young and had those thighs, he wasn’t flirting with a grumpy librarian. “Right, well enjoy your running.”

“Not likely, but I’ll try. You really buy the books just to put them in these cupboards, all over the city. That’s what you do for your day off.”

“Aye. What of it?”

“Just doesn’t seem like very arsehole behaviour to me.”

“Why did your face just spasm?” Merlin frowned. “Have you remembered to hydrate? Runners go too long they shit themselves and can cause their nipples to burst. Find another workout.”

And now the lad was bent over laughing. Well hadn’t this just been a lovely interaction with a beautiful young man with thick thighs. His family could never know, he’d never hear the end of it. “Bruv, fucking hell, I swear any day that has a conversation with you in it, is a good day.”

Merlin did not have a response to that, it was something quite simply no one had ever told him before. “Good day, Mr. Unwin. Oh, I have several books on order for you about developing motor skills via play, for your sister. They’ll be in by Wednesday.”

“I could help you bring the rest of those books to their destinations?”

“No thank you, it is a small pile, and I can manage on my own.” Merlin gave a polite nod, and he was sure a subtle glance to those thighs, and gathered his bag and headed to the underground for his next book stop.

He pulled out his phone and texted the sister who was a doctor. // _ young man. Running. In conversation he said something that implied he thought me a not completely vile human and then his face spasmed. What amount of running causes face spasms? _ //

**He paid you a compliment and then had a facial tick or spasm? Confirm.**

_ //yes// _

**That was a flirtatious wink you colossal twit**

Merlin sent her a selfie of him flipping her off. It had been a spasm. Eggsy wouldn’t be flirting with him. That would be insane. 

Spasm.

That’s all it was.

Weird because of stupid running face spasm. He was pretty sure, Eggsy didn’t even think of Merlin unless they were engaged in conversation, why would he?


	4. Chapter 4

“Roxy, you are flirting with The Morrigan.” Eggsy was cooking himself dinner, and had contacted her via the glasses.

“I wouldn’t say flirting.”

“What else would you call your mission theatrics? You actually did a slow walk away from a car blowing up, your hair all floaty and your top very strategically torn.” He chopped up some broccoli and mushrooms, and checked his rice. He wasn’t a great cook, but he could throw together a decent stir fry, and he had been having a hankering for broccoli. Probably his efforts to convince Daisy it wasn’t the worst thing that nature had ever wrought. “I have seen you bite your lip, and then slow smile at least 5 times around her.”

“I’m not flirting...I’m…” Roxy was clearly trying to find the right words. “I’m...bugger. She is so pretty.”

“Pretty fucking terrifying.” He heated the wok, and pulled some garlic, ginger, and soy sauce from his fridge. “She’s so cold.”

“She isn’t, she just has to be focused for the job. When she smiles, she is just incandescent, Eggsy. It is like staring at the sun and not getting burned.”

“Okay, The Morrigan doesn’t smile, but sure,” Eggsy put in the garlic and ginger to flavour the oil for a minute, pulled them out, and tossed the huge pile of veggies in. 

“Joanna.”

“Joanna what?”

“Her name is Joanna. The Morrigan might not smile but Joanna does,” Roxy said softly.

“Wait, have you been on a date with her? Why the fuck am I still talking up your loyalty, intelligence, creativity, and arse if you are dating her. She tries to melt my skin with her glare when I do that, but I keep doing it because I love you.” He kept moving the veggies around. 

“Probably because she thought you were bragging about me as your girlfriend.”

Eggsy stared at his food. “You just made me ill enough, I don’t know if I can eat.” He shuddered. “That’s gross Rox.”

“I know, and I mentioned that when we ran into each other at a bar. And she asked where my boyfriend was. I guess me going pale and almost being sick on her leather boots, helped her conclude we are not together.”

“Leather boots?”

“Knee high, fuck Eggsy, her legs are so long, I want to lick all my way up to her -”

“OI!!!” Eggsy said. He added the soy sauce, and some fish sauce to the vegetables. “And that is where you learned Joanna and her smile. So ask her out.”

“I can’t,” Roxy sighed. “She’s too good for me. Probably has a million women after her.”

“Did you just fucking say my best friend ain’t good enough? Wait, did she imply that? Because I’ll try to kick her arse, and then when she eats me alive, I’ll give her indigestion.”

“I love you, Eggsy.”

“Ask her out.” He took his plate to his table. “Fuck I coooked too much.”

“Good thing, I’m at your door, isn’t it?” 

Eggsy grinned, tapped off his glasses, got a glass of white wine and another set of chopsticks. Roxy and he easily ate off the same plate, and chatted about nothing in particular. 

“So, why all this interest in flirting?”

Eggsy pushed the last mushroom around the plate. “I maybe, sorta, kinda, think a bloke is beautiful, and awesome, and wanna ask him out. But no idea how to.”

“Because you are 16?” she teased and paused. “Eggsy?”

“I fell in love with him when I was 16.” Eggsy took the plate away, and came back with the wine bottle for Roxy, and a beer for himself. “He’s a librarian. And how your Joanna is scary? He is that grumpy.”

“That is a lot of grump.”

“You have no idea.”

“Wait, was this guy with you when you were 16?”

“No, god no, he barely knew I was alive,” Eggsy went to his couch and just flopped. “Or he knew I was alive, but I was just another annoying patron.”

“Of the arts?”

“Yeah, when I was a council rat, I was funding operas.” Eggsy rolled his eyes. Sometimes Roxy’s privilege shone through. “Librarian. He was a librarian and the first person I came out to. He didn’t...he hated everyone, like he was just the worst with people. But he listened to me, helped me find stuff. And said things...things that no one else in my life did. Things that implied I mattered. He was the first person I came out to as bi. He was kind. It was no wonder I developed a huge crush.” He took a drink. “Forgot about him a bit. You know that fuzzy memory, that makes you happy in the back of your mind?”

“Her name was Shannon, and she has these curls.”

“Yeah. Didn’t even remember his name right. Just this soft feeling, of the handsome and thoroughly grumpy librarian who bought me a pug wallet to hold my library card.” Eggsy winced, Roxy would connect the pieces.

“You didn’t think he was a bulldog at all did you?” Roxy kicked him a bit. “You damn well knew he was a pug.”

“Course I did. Not an idiot. He were the only one to remember my birthday that year, with that stupid two pence cheap plastic thing.”

“I would love a man like that.”

“How could you not?” Eggsy sighed. “But fine, he switched branches and I forgot him. Mostly. Became a bad man, or was trying to be, and then Harry asked me to be a Kingsman. The librarian told me when we last saw each other, to make interesting choices. And here we are.”

“Here is good.” Roxy clinked her wine glass to his bottle.

Eggsy leaned over and kissed her head. “Here is great. So save the world, blah blah blah, and I take Daisy to the library one day when Mum is sick. And the story time librarian is him. My goddamn first crush.”

“If he is grumpy as you say, that seems a bad idea.”

“You’d think that, but turns out? Bastard is a gooey marshmallow and bloody amazing with the toddlers, and little kids.”

“Oh, dear.”

“Yeah, yeah, we all know that would do me in. Crush came roaring back. To adults, still a complete tit, incapable of conversation that isn’t snark or sheer cluelessness. But with kids? He is still completely grumpy, but it is a magical grumpy. That they eat up. He makes Daisy laugh.”

“Crush came roaring back," Roxy repeated his words, and drank some more wine.

“Hard. Really fucking hard. His name is Merlin.”

“Eggsy.”

“I know!” He looked at her. “It is fucking fate or something, innit?”

“It is. I’m not the superstitious sort, but come on.”

“He is fit. Probably around Harry’s age. And when I ran into him out in the world, I winked at him, and he warned me about the perils to the body that come with being a runner.”

“Polite rejection?”

“Nope, legit had no fucking clue I was flirting. I mean it was a light flirt, admiring smile, the wink, even a bit of an up and down glance, and he is warning me about how runners can shit themselves.” Eggsy looked at Roxy when she made a choking noise. “You okay?”

She nodded and her eyes were watering. “Fine,” she managed to say.

“You want to laugh at me, don’t you?” Roxy shook her head furiously. “He also told me my nipples could explode.” She couldn’t contain her laughter and Eggsy finished his beer, went to the bog, grabbed another drink, and by the time he came back, she was mostly under control. “Yup, this is what I am crushing on.”

“Oh my god, Eggsy, of course you are. Of course you fucking are.” She poured herself the last of the wine. “Do you think you could just go up to him and say Hiya, you are fit and nice to Daisy and that is a huge thing for me, so would you go out on a date with me?”

“I feel like he would go to the religious section and look for a book on exorcism.” Eggsy sighed. “Roxy, I really like him.”

“I really like Joanna.”

“We saved the world.”

“Oh hun, dating is a lot fucking harder than that.”

“Watch something happy with me.” Eggsy wrapped himself around her. “Where the idiots in love actually figure this shit out.”

“That sounds brilliant.”

******

Eggsy knew enough to know that approaching Merlin on a Daisy day was a bad idea. He worked up a few game plans that would give him a chance to show Merlin that he liked him. He went into the library in his Kingsman suit, because he looked damned good in it. He asked at the front desk, and was told Merlin was up on the second floor at the help desk. He must have given a look because the woman shrugged, “Flu going around, he was the only option. We did put up a sign suggesting to find your help here instead.”

“Thanks, but I know how to talk to him.”

“Oh, you are one of the texters,” she smiled at him. 

“The -” Eggsy decided not to delve into that, because he was sure it had a very Merlin answer behind it. “Thank you.”

“Of course,” she smiled at him and he headed upstairs. He laughed as he approached the desk. There was in fact a sign up that said  _ “his librarian is knowledgeable of our catalogue. He is not knowledgeable about people. Please consider going down to the main desk for help.” _

“That is great,” Eggsy said. “You should have had that years ago.”

“I know,” Merlin nodded. He had clearly been supposed to be sorting books, but had stopped to read one. “This branch is much more supportive of my natural manner.”

“You mean bastard?” Eggsy loved the sharp smile on Merlin’s face. 

“Preferring books to humanity is logical if you have any experience of humanity. They are the bastards and I am just responding accordingly. Now then, Mr. Unwin, would you care to go back to the main desk for your aid. I am busy.”

“No, you aren’t.” Eggsy looked at the book he was reading. “You are reading.”

“Reading is very busy, Mr. Unwin. I know you know how to use our system.” 

“I want to learn French, handy for fashion shows and buying fabric and stuff,” Eggsy smiled, “Plus language of love.” He gave a wink and slow smile.

“It is called that because it is a romance language, as in of Roman origins, not a romantic tongue. Englishman first learning it sound like constipated pirates.”

Okay, that didn’t work.

“You said this branch treats you better than the old one?”

“Yes,” Merlin looked at him confused. “The only highlight there, was assisting you. You were interesting. The rest was appalling.”

How the fuck was Eggsy not supposed to fall in love with the grumpy arse when he said stuff like that? “I’m sure there are plenty of interesting patrons who come through here. Much more interesting that I was. I was a teenager, therefore an idiot.”

“No, you were many things, but not an idiot. There is less watching of pornography on the public computers here, but more flouting of due dates, because they can easily pay the fees, not that they actually do. If my grumpster sword was real, like I have requested and been denied - the late fees issue would be a thing of the past.” His voice was dark, full of promise, and it sent a shiver down Eggsy’s spine and a rush of blood to his cock.

“You actually know how to swing a sword?”

“Yes,” Merlin replied. “Quite well actually. I was arrested because of it when I was in undergrad.”

“Excuse me?” Eggsy realized this was the arrest that Harry had commented on. “How?”

“I had a boyfriend. He wanted to go to one of those fairs in summer. Where they pretend to be medieval without the dysentery or plague?”

“A ren faire?”

“Aye, he thought it would be ‘fun’. It was not fun. It was hot and people unaccustomed to mead were drinking it, and heat and mead is a poor combination. A man was drunk and saying things. He was upsetting people and the security was too far away. I asked him to be quiet and leave, as he was upsetting people. He did not, and continued with his venom and slurs. He said things that perhaps reminded me of insults my father had laid at my feet. I grabbed a sword from the nearby stall. Blade was dull, but it was real metal. Swung and broke three of his ribs. Since I made the altercation physical there was an assault charge. Fine, and community service, and my boyfriend dumped me for causing a scene and not rising above the insults.”

“You took out a man with a sword, protecting other people from insults.” Eggsy would have goddamn swooned, if he wasn’t sure Merlin would just leave him on the ground where he fell.

“I suppose you find that unseemly,” Merlin was clearly looking at Eggsy’s suit.

“I find it perfect,” Eggsy promised. “You are a kind man.” And apparently saying that confused Merlin. “I mean you are a trash fire at communication, but you know you are kind, right? You just express it with a frown, instead of a smile.”

“That is what my family says.” Merlin looked at him. “But most people don’t notice.”

Eggsy swallowed. “I notice everything about you.”

“Why?”

“Because you bought me a pug card holder.” Eggsy moved a little closer. “So forget French. I need to find a bit of a how to book.” He watched Merlin put down what he had been reading, and properly focus on Eggsy. 

Merlin opened up the library search. “Title or author?”

“No, it is about dating?” Eggsy flushed a little. Waited for Merlin to make a snarky comment. But he didn’t. Because Merlin might snark at a human, but he always took his job seriously.

“Dating men or women? You were bisexual? Is that how you still identify? In general dating or for example, about dating an ace person?” Merlin looked at him. “Dating with disabilities or medical concerns? You won’t ask for a pick up artist book, because you know I will freeze your account and make you unable to borrow a book in all of England, and her protectorate nations.”

“No, I don’t like rapey advice guides,” Eggsy promised. “More, how to get a person to notice you are flirting with them. Being nervous as fuck because you think they are great, and are desperate to take them out, to say a used bookstore to buy books to put in those little take a book cases that show up in parks, and maybe for a coffee after?”

Merlin removed his hands from the keyboard. “That is a very specific date.” He was clearly thinking. “Actually, I do think I know a book that might be useful to you.” He smiled brilliantly. “Come along!” He left the table and went into the stacks.

“Wait...what?” Eggsy looked around the library, like there would be something to be found; but Merlin was already apparently off finding it. Only, he quickly realized Merlin wasn’t going to the reference books, but the paperbacks. “Merlin?”

“Self help books are fucking bullshit, an industry that needs to die, unless they are about practical things, like tiling a shower.”

“That’s a how-to, not a self help.”

“It helps your shower, how is that not self help?” Merlin countered.

“I...don’t know,” Eggsy had to admit. “I think they are different though. Maybe? Now I think I need a self help book about how self help books are supposed to work.”

“No, you don’t, you are smart. You just seem to have become nervous because this matters to you. Am I right?”

Eggsy let out a breath. “Yeah, you are right. You are always right about this sort of thing.”

“I know what books people need,” Merlin said. He pointed. “Now there.”

Eggsy looked at the shelf. The cheerful paperbacks, the spines all the same colour, the width about the same. “Romance novels?”

Merlin smiled at him, this huge thing, and Eggsy lost all the cartilage in his knees, just gone. He understood why Roxy used a word like incandescent. “Romance novels are an excellent place to help you with your task. You are pining, and wish to begin a romance. That is 80% of the books here.”

“Any of those lgbtqa?” Eggsy asked. “Because it is a bloke I want to ask out. An older bloke.”

Eggsy stumbled when Merlin’s hand took his. It was warm, no gun calluses. Tiny long healed cuts. Paper cuts, Eggsy realized. They went around the corner, and there was actually a decent couple shelves of books. “Nice!”

“I made a few forceful suggestions during the last few purchasing times. It has a decent amount of foot traffic. Hoping to expand it more over the next year.” Merlin plucked a few books off the shelf. “These should help give you ideas on how to ask the man out. Though you dress well these days, and are well groomed. Clearly caring and intelligent. Who would say no to you?”

“A grumpy older man, who doesn’t even realize I’ve been flirting with him, desperate for him to like me since I was 16.” Eggsy adored the look of befuddlement that came over Merlin’s face.

“Well, he sounds like a right fool. Are you sure you want him?”

“Desperately,” Eggsy said.

“Is he an interesting choice?”

“I think he could be the most interesting choice I ever make, and trust me I’ve made a few doozies over the last couple years.”

“Well, read the books. And if you come up with a plan, you can come to me, we can do a dry run. Now I am back to my desk. You know how to use self checkout.” Merlin walked away without another word.

Eggsy read the back of the books, and actually they sounded pretty fun, so he took them downstairs and checked them out. He decided to stop for a coffee before heading home. He wasn’t even a half block from the library when he heard a shout. He turned his glasses on.

“Report,” Morrigan snapped.

“Shout, threat assessment,” Eggsy whispered, and quickly scanned the area. He realized that Merlin was jogging towards him. “Nevermind, my librarian.” He tapped the side again. “Merlin, problem?”

“Your conversation puzzled me, so I texted my sister, who calls me a colossal twit.”

“Hey, you aren’t a colossal twit,” Eggsy felt his automatic defend the people you love systems go online. “You are grumpy and clueless, but not a colossal twit. Want me to call her and set her straight?”

And there was that smile again.

Incandescent.

“I provided her the data. I was sure I was processing it wrong.”

“Processing it wrong?” Eggsy was a bit confused.

“If you put all those pieces together you were flirting with me, and trying to figure out how to ask me out. But that had to be the wrong conclusion. I texted my sister. She called me a colossal twit, confirmed what I had realized, and said that if I didn’t chase after you and ask you out, I was never getting a homemade butter tart ever again. This is the recipe from Nova Scotia, Eggsy. They are perfect. I cannot be denied these.”

“That does sound like a cruel punishment,” Eggsy said. He grinned. “Hey, Merlin? You know how you are a miserable grump, who is just the worst with people?”

“Yes, I am aware of these facts. And I am not miserable with children. Or you.” Merlin looked at him. “I’m never miserable when I see you.”

Eggsy’s grin widened. “I like the miserable.”

“I like fish and chips. At the pub, two blocks over. Tomorrow night? At 6?”

“That sounds good, yeah,” Eggsy agreed.

“Bugger, my desk,” Merlin said. “You never leave it unmanned this long, an idiot will think my computer is a public one.” He took off running back to the library, and Eggsy watched him.

“I cannot fathom how you weren’t the top of your group in the NLP assessments,” Morrigan said in his ear. “Really that much suave? We are not using you correctly. And please remember, it is a double tap to disengage the glasses when you hit the emergency on button?”

“Roxy wants to eat your cunt until she drowns,” Eggsy said, completely flustered by getting a date with Merlin and having Morrigan in his ear, freaking him out like that.

“Who says she hasn’t, and I breathed life back into her?” Morrigan replied. “Use your equipment correctly, Eggsy, or we will have words.”

“Yes, Ma’am,” Eggsy replied and tapped twice.

He needed to send congratulations flowers to Roxy. He ordered a bouquet of flowers that all looked naughty, and sent them to her flat. He then made another order of pretty spring flowers, and had them sent to Merlin at the library, with a note that he was looking forward to their date. He couldn’t wait to hear what Merlin thought about those.   
  



	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Brays Children:
> 
> Merlin 52  
> Tabitha 51  
> Heather 49  
> Cullen 46  
> Fergus 45  
> Ursula 43  
> Liam 35

He was staying with his youngest brother. He was the least likely to interfere, too focused on his work. Liam and Merlin had that in common. The man was a dedicated bachelor, and not in the way Merlin’s arseholeness kept people away, more in an please just I need the quiet of alone way. Merlin didn’t want to be alone, that was just how his life had ended up. He was sitting at the kitchen table that Liam had made, ran his hand over the smooth grain as he drank his coffee. The only quiet spot with his family. Liam lived the furthest away from the rest - three whole blocks. The sisters wouldn’t let him go farther, sure they’d find his corpse because he forgot to eat or hydrate - which to be fair was a legit concern. He decided to make a fry up before Liam headed to his workshop.

“Food?” Liam said as he stumbled into the kitchen. “I has no food.” He collapsed at his table. “Do I?”

“I went shopping yesterday. Take your medication,” Merlin reminded him, and handed him the little pillbox. “Good lad.”

“I’m 35.”

“I know, but you forget.”

“Nu-uh,” Liam said.

“Two more pills in there than should be,” Merlin commented, and flipped the bit of ham he was frying.

“Oh. I mostly don’t forget. Been working on an end table, really pretty.”

“I am sure it is,” Merlin agreed, and plated the food. He put it on the table, poured them both out some tea. “I’ll pack you a lunch before you go.”

“Thanks,” Liam smiled at him, and dug into the food. They ate in a lovely silence. “I’m happy you are here.”

“I saw you a few weeks ago.”

“Sure, but you are clearly fucked up over something which means everyone will be busy worrying about you, and not me. It’s nice!”

“I’m not fucked up, I am just dealing with a situation.”

“The date with the guy younger than some of your nieces and nephews. And all of us.”

“Two. He is younger than Mary and Donall.” Merlin thought. "Wait, bugger, he is younger than Sebastian too, I think. And Cormac."

“Ha! Look, if you were rubbish on the date, just say sorry and that you’ll try harder. Maybe offer a blow job? Is that what people do?” Liam drank his juice, and almost licked the plate clean.

“Don’t say blow job,” Merlin replied. “And no offense Liam, your relationship advice is equally bad to any I would offer just for different reasons.”

“Yeah, at least I’m aro ace, a normal thing, versus your whole grumpiest man alive crap.” Liam grinned at him. “God, how pissed would Da be, if he knew two of his boys weren’t cishet?”

“He’d have caved our heads in just for saying a phrase like cishet,” Merlin said.

“Good thing, the devil is eating his liver.”

“Poor devil, that thing would be pickled as fuck.”

“I’m going to my shop. Figure you have another hour before they descend.”

“You’ll nae save me?”

Liam just snorted, and flipped him off. Merlin poured himself another cuppa, made Liam lunch that he left by the front door, and settled in to read the book he had downloaded on his tablet. He heard Liam leave, and waited; it was less than an hour when the door opened.

“Hiya, just here to get your laundry, love,” a voice called out.

“He already went to the shop, Ur.”  Merlin looked up. “Tell me you don’t actually do his laundry.”

Ursula gave him a look, “Of course I do. He is as dense as some super dense planet.”

“You are a doctor and he is 35,” Merlin went back to his reading. “And you are just here to check on me.”

“No, Cull or Tab would check on you. I know the problem - you are a colossal,”

“Twit, yes I know,” Merlin smiled at her. “Go stick a thermometer up someone’s arse.”

“If you weren’t a twit, you could have a pretty boy sticking something up your arse. Tell Liam I took his load of whites.” Ur disappeared upstairs, and came down with laundry. He flipped her off behind her back, she was the meanest of all of them and he could easily end up with something not fun up his arse.

He decided to go for a walk around the neighbourhood, one that avoided the rest of the family’s homes but of course they found him. Tabitha he was sure had lojacked him when he returned to the family, but no doctor had found anything. “I’m fine," he tried out, doubting he'd be believed.

Tabitha glared at him. “Really?”

“Yup,” he tried to stare her down, he was eldest, he could do it. But then her lip quivered. “Do not.”

“I just want you to be happy,” she said with another quiver.

“You are faking,” he growled. “Cull, cut me a break.”

Cullen looked at him. “Tell the truth, and shame the devil.”

“I will tell your children what you did when you were 14.”

“They know, I use it as a teaching lesson,” Cullen smiled, “And just let us help you.”

“I don’t need help, I just needed to think a bit.” Merlin looked between them. He froze. They exchanged a look. “Fine, I need help. You two, alone help me, you two.”

“Too late, family summit.”

“No, you can’t. This is not a family summit situation.” Merlin looked between them in horror. “I will air all your teenage secrets to your children, your church, your something.”

“Summit,” Tabitha said. “Everyone over 22 in attendance.”

“Fuck you,” Merlin said.

“7 tonight. My house,” Cullen said. “You will follow the summit rules.”

“I’ll have Ur stuff those rules up your arse. No way will she summit.”

“She agreed.”

“Bugger.” Merlin glared at them, and stalked back to Liam’s. He couldn’t believe they had actually called a proper summit. This was not that big a deal. It was fine. It was perfectly normal for him to go on a date and run home to Scotland because of it.

Fuck, okay he needed a summit, but didn’t mean he wanted it to happen.

Maybe Liam could stop this, he was the baby, the rest were very indulgent. He cooked Liam a favourite dinner and explained the situation, sure that Liam would side with him. 

“Nope, you need summitting, this is happening.”

“You bastard!” Merlin pointed a fork at him. “They would listen to you, you are the favourite, you could get this cancelled.” Why was Liam looking at him like that?

“Merlin, you think I’m the favourite?” Liam had stopped eating, and was looking at him in horror.

“Of course. Bloody Ur does your laundry, how does that not equal favourite?” Merlin thought it was obvious. “You are the baby, the beloved. It makes sense that you are the favourite.” He was certainly Merlin’s favourite, even though they had such little history, he had still had mostly baby teeth when Merlin had left. “If I tell you everything went completely fine on my date with Eggsy, that it was a wonderful time, will you get this stopped?”

And Liam now looked even more concerned. “Mer, you had a wonderful time - out in public?”

Fuck, okay that might have been a bit excessive. “I had a wonderful time because Eggsy was there. Humanity as usual was not acceptable.”

Liam was looking at him, and honestly looking at him, not just staring and thinking of his next project. “I’m calling Fergus.”

“Fuck, no. Don’t.”

“You said the wrong thing. He is getting them out.”

Merlin debated stealing a car, and driving back to England. But there was a very good chance that 6 siblings, 14 nieces and nephews and 3 grand nieces, would all pile into cars and follow him.  They would follow him all the way to London, and stage a protest outside his flat. “I hate you.”

Liam leaned across the table and kissed Merlin’s cheek. “No you don’t.”

“I really want to hate all of you right now.”

“That one I’ll believe. Come on. Make peace with your god, because you face the summit soon.”

45 minutes later Merlin was sitting on a stool in Cullen’s kitchen. There were so many adults in there, it was close to overwhelming. “I would like to formally protest this.” He tried to push the hoodie of the onesie down, but Heather slapped his hand. Her pink dino shimmered under the lights.

“Nope, full dino summit, Mer.” 

Every single adult in the room was in a custom made by Fergus dinosaur onesie. They fit perfectly, and were colours that matched the person’s personality.

Merlin’s was charcoal grey, with shimmery blue spots, and black spines. It was really very comfortable for something he loathed. “This is stupid.”

“Exactly,” Tabitha said, “We all look stupid so you don’t feel alone in your stupidity.”

“I like wearing the dino outfit,” Sebastian chimed in. “Uncle Mer, they are quite comfortable.”

“I am aware that you wear yours at the drop of a hat,” Merlin smiled at Sebastian - the only person to receive a smile in the whole kitchen. He glowered at the rest. “I can handle my life.” He sighed when various cries of bullshit, and the like echoed in the large kitchen.

Ursula’s perfect white dino shook its head. “Merlin, you are even more incapable of handling your life than Liam. He’ll just starve to death. You’ll starve your soul.”

“Oh, that was well said Ur,” Cullen beamed at her. “God wants you to be happy, Mer.”

“God can suck my dick.”  He winced a bit. “Sorry Cull.”

Cullen smiled at him. “Hey, maybe God wants to, I don’t know.”

“You are the weirdest goddamn preacher ever,” Merlin muttered. Cullen had renounced Catholicism twenty years ago and become a protestant minister. He was the first to perform a gay marriage in the city, and had lead a group at Pride. 

“See, here is my question. Tab and Cull just called a regular family summit,” Fergus began. His dinosaur was purple and vaguely Barney-esque. “It was Liam that ordered the dino suit summit. What does Liam know that we don’t yet?”

Merlin tried to make the puppy eyes that Liam had done, that had gotten Merlin to fly them to San Francisco to see a drag show three years ago. 

Liam smiled and went over and hugged Merlin. “I have you,” Liam promised, and for just a moment Merlin relaxed. “The reason was two fold, he thinks i’m the favourite, and was super effusive about what a wonderful time he had on his date.”

The kitchen exploded with noise, and Merlin decided to make a cuppa while everyone yelled at him. He set the kettle on and pulled down a mug. The noise just rolled over him like a wave, twenty years away from his family had not diminished his ability to ignore the chaos. But one small sniffle cut through all the noise and he snapped around. “Heather, what’s wrong?” He hurried over to her and wiped the tear that fell away. “Darling, where does it hurt?”

“Mer, how do you not know you are our favourite?” she asked him. The whole kitchen quieted down.

He wiped the second tear that fell. “Liam is the favourite,” he replied easily. “He is the baby and the prettiest of us, and the most talented. Mama worshiped him, of course he is the favourite.”

“See?” Liam guestured. “See?”

Sebastian moved forward and hugged Merlin. “Uncle Mer, you are our favourite.”

Merlin laughed, and shook his head. “I appreciate that, luv, but family summit means no lying.”

“He’s not,” Fergus replied. “My son doesn’t lie, ever.”

“I lied about being straight.”

Fergus looked at his son, “Taking your time to come out of the closet, is not lying, that is learning your truth, and sharing it when you were ready. Different.” Fergus looked at Merlin. “Merlin, you are the favourite.”

“I am a novelty, not a favourite. No one would have me as a favourite.”

“If Da wasn’t dead, I’d kill him. I could make it look like an accident, I know the drugs,” Ursula muttered. “And you know what, I’m pissed at Ma for not explaining this to you.” A few of the others nodded. “Do you know why I’m a doctor?”

“To make it legal to torture people?” Merlin asked.

“Because when I needed my tonsils out, it was you beside me, you colossal twit, and you made it seem like the grandest adventure, that medicine was magic. You made the doctors seem like heroes in stories, made me want to be one.” Ursula went over and poked him. “You wouldn’t leave me, the hospital tried to kick you out, and you fucking broke back in to sleep beside me.”

“You were still scared of noises at night, I needed to be there,” Merlin replied, it was matter of fact to him.

“I left the catholic church for a lot of fucking reasons, but among the top was that anything that suggest my older brother who made sure I had food every day for lunch, even if it meant he went hungry, was wrong could die in a fire,” Cullen looked at him. “You took such good care of us.”

“I left.”

Tabitha was hugging him tight. “We are practically twins, barely a year between us. And yet you were more a Da to me, that Dad ever was. We all remember you babysitting us, helping us. Healing us. Because Da was drunk, and Ma busy with whichever baby it was. Even Liam remembers you singing to him, the night you walked away.”

“Country Roads,” Liam remembered. “You loved that song. It is my comfort song.”

“I left, I left you all high and dry. I barely called,” Merlin was looking at his siblings, at his eldest niece and nephews, “I never met any of you until four years ago.”

“If you had stayed, you would have either never had your own life, or -” Heather swallowed, and couldn’t say it.

“Or Da would have killed you,” Cullen managed to fill in the silence. “We remember that last year, Mer. If you had stayed, he would have broken you. Ma was holding him back, but we both know, there would have been a bar fight or something and you wouldn’t have come home.”

“Tell me, the money you sent in our birthday cards was just spare money that a uni boy happened to have," Fergus chimed in.

“I was working too, had scholarships,” Merlin said. “It was spare.”

Ursula glared at him. “You sent back mathematically problematic amounts of money.”

“I had a flatmate, that offset rent costs; he was only slightly homicidal. I was frugal. You can stretch a packet of grocery store brand ramen to three meals.” To Merlin it was easy. Their Da would have pissed away money, Mum was busy, he was gone but he could help a little.

Ursula cupped his cheeks. “You fucking idiot, a 21 year old man doing a 4 year program in three years, and working a part time job -”

“Full time,” Merlin whispered. All of them were looking at him with sadness and awe. “I didn’t mind. I had done poor enough by leaving and never telling anyone about home. I could send my spare money.”

“Living on one package of ramen for three days is not spare money,” Ursula said. “My medical school library when I was there, seemed to almost double the section of books relevant to my specifics studies almost overnight. You know anything about that?”

“I made a phone call or two.”

“I never met you, but I was excited every birthday because a card from the mysterious wizard would arrive. Not just with the gift card to a bookstore, but because there was always a poem, or word puzzle, or something just for us in there. You were magic, Uncle Merlin,” Sebastian said and his cousins nodded, happy to let him do the talking.

“You were our favourite then, our protector, our magic. And you are our favourite now, because you dislike texting, but learned to like it for all of us. When anyone needs refuge, you are the safe place to land. Mer,” Tabitha smiled at him sadly, “How could you not know you are our favourite?”

“Because I’m grumpy? And far away? And I fucking left for twenty years? And I’m a -” Merlin bit off the words he was about to say.

Cullen was the one to guess, “Were you just about to quote something from Da?” Merlin nodded. “Fuck him, he’s burning in hell, and I don’t even especially believe in hell. Mer, you know you are grumpy because you have the hugest heart of all of us combined and do that to protect yourself right?”

“No, I don’t,” Merlin frowned at him.

“He is just grumpy,” Liam offered. “To be fair, even if he didn’t have epic issues, I think he’d still be all grumple rumble, fi fie fo fum.”

“Thank you,” Merlin said, relieved someone got him.

“But you do have a stupid huge heart,” Liam said. “Frowny face, huge heart. It is super obvious.” Merlin stared at everyone who was nodding in agreement. “Oh and because you spent years dealing with Da’s rejection and homophobia, the leaving your family, the couple shite boyfriends because everyone has shite boyfriends in their early twenties, burying yourself in books and more books, and general desire to be an introvert you have zero people skills. Frowny face, no people skills, huge heart. That’s the Merlin list.”

“Thank you, Liam. Hey Tabitha, would you like to know about the gallery showing that Liam has in Paris in three months?” Merlin smiled darkly at his youngest brother.

“Gallery show in Paris?” At least three people yelled.

“Not just me, it is a collective thing,” Liam muttered and kicked Merlin. “No big deal.”

“Oh we are going,” Heather said.

Liam paled, and Merlin was feeling much better about all of this and since 80% of the attention was on Liam, he tried to edge towards the door.

“Nope,” Fergus stepped forward. “Because we maybe kind of fixed the family shit -”

“No we didn’t, that will take decades,” Ursula said, and Tabitha nodded.

“We haven’t sorted what happened on Merlin’s date that made him run home to us.”

“I missed you,” Merlin tried, and yeah it was fair that everyone in the room snorted. “To be fair, I sometimes miss you annoying lot.” There were smiles at that, and okay maybe they all filled his heart a bit. “The date went wonderfully.”

“See, right there? He said wonderful, that’s a lie isn’t it?” Liam asked everyone.

Tabitha was watching Merlin and sighed. “Oh, Mer, it is okay that it went well.”

“Wait, he isn’t here because he messed up horribly?” Sebastian looked around in shock. “Uhh, sorry Uncle Merlin, but before this date when was your last date?”

Merlin thought about it, “Six months before Ma died.” He had had a few hookups but no actual dates. “It did go wonderfully. He is interesting.” Everyone knew that mattered more to Merlin than looks or money. “I mean he is hot too,” Merlin added. “I want to be clear the man half my age is hot as fuck. No...I mean yes...but...he shines, like a newly polished piece of quartz. Just this warm light pouring out of him. He was a fucking mess when I first new him, but now? He is potential realized. And I kept it together on that date - I told a bloody joke. And it was funny!”

“You are not funny,” Ursula replied. “I love you, but you are not funny.”

“I am aware, but it was Cullen’s Easter Bunny meets Jesus joke.”

“That is a good one,” Cullen smiled happily. “Gets them every Good Friday.”

“What’s the problem, Mer?” Heather asked, and freshened his tea cup.

“I cannae sustain that. I smiled a lot. It hurt. I hate smiling because I hate my teeth, and that I look like I want to maybe eat you when I smile. That is the only joke I can tell. Three hours out, with an incredible man, and I was exhausted. I cannae date like how he wants to date.”

“Have you asked him how he wants to date?” Liam was the one to put the question out there. “Because if he is interested in you - he has to have guessed you aren’t really an ‘out’ person.”

“I’ve been out a long ass time,” Merlin said. “I’ve been out to Eggsy since he was sixteen.”

“Waaaaaait,” Fergus froze. “The guy you are dating is that kid from the old branch?” The family remembered when Merlin first came back to the fold and was telling stories about his life, the odd boy named Eggsy who didn't think Merlin was a complete waste.

“Aye, a fate thing.”

“Oh my god it is destiny. He is your true love,” Tabitha squealed.

“You’ve set her off,” Merlin moaned. He ignored everyone’s babbles as they talked about fate and magic, and true love, and he was pretty sure they were planning his wedding. He closed his eyes, and rested his head against the wall. A pair of arms wrapped around him, and he leaned into the hug a bit. “Sebastian, boys are a pain in the arse.”

“I know, you should have met the last one I dated.”

“I can kill him with the OED.”

“Thanks, Uncle Merlin,” Sebastian kissed his cheek. “Call him.”

“Later.”

“Now!” Everyone in the room snapped.

“I’m in summit dino,” Merlin looked at them. “I am not calling a gorgeous half my age man in my grumpy stego suit.” Everyone kept staring. “What do I even say?”

“Ask him out, but on an actual you date?” Cullen suggested.

“He sees you, Mer,” Liam said quietly. “He wouldn’t have been flirting if he didn’t. You aren’t as bad as you think. You are never mean to service workers, or children; you are never mean, period really.”

“You just wish people were more like books,” Heather smiled at him. 

“He should have better than an over fifty librarian who is regularly exhausted by the world.”

Ursual rolled her eyes and pinched his arm. “Why can’t you see? There is no better than you, you colossal twit.”

Merlin pulled her into a tight hug. “Love you, you evil sea creature.”

“Love you too.” 

Merlin pulled his phone out of his dino onesie. “Seriously, Fergus, these are really well made. He actually works for a tailor, bet you two would get along.”

“Oh, maybe I’ve heard of them?” Fergus was a plumber but adored fashion in his time off, and sewed costumes for his kids. When not in his work clothes, he was by far the best dressed of them all.

“Kingsman.” He didn’t like the way Fergus’s eyes widened. “You have heard of them.”

“They have made suits for Prince Charles.”

“Fuck the Royal family,” at least four people in the room said.

“Text him,” Liam nudged Merlin. Knowing no way could Merlin actually call.

// _ Eggsy can you speak?// _ Merlin texted. “I am sure he is busy, already moved on or with his sister or something.” Merlin looked at his phone as it made a noise. “What is it doing?”

“He wants to face time with you,” Tabitha said. “Answer it!”

“All of you get away and shut up,” Merlin hissed and hit the green button. He held up the phone to his face. “Ahh, Eggsy. Hello.”

“What is on your head?”

“Nothing, I’ve been bald for twenty years.” His eyes flicked over, and multiple people were shaking their heads. A few pointed at their dino suits. “Ah, you mean the hood?”

“Yeah, I mean the thing that looks like something that on anyone else I would say is a dinosaur onesie, one with excellent stitching, but on you it can’t be that.” Ursula tackled Fergus to keep him from accepting the praise for the sitch work. “What was that?”

“Nothing,” Merlin said. “You called?”

“Because you texted, five days after our date, which was...interesting and had you leaving saying, and I think I will quote because the words have been stuck in my brain, 'I’m sorry I did so well on this date, to set up false expectations of my humanity. Forgive me, you have books due this week, don’t forget.' And then you walked away and haven’t been at the library or answering my calls.”

“You always answer calls, from hot boys,” Cullen hissed before someone could silence him.

“Who was that?” 

“The voice of god,” Merlin answered. “I was telling the truth.”

“Merlin, what the fuck is going on? I like you, you are weird. I like the weird and grumpy, and kindness that just bloody oozes out of you, but if you aren’t interested you can just say so. Because that smiley guy on our date? That was not you.”

“I practiced that smile for the whole day.”

“Awww,” Heather sighed. “I love it, when he tries to human.”

“Merlin, how many people are with you?”

“A lot,” Merlin admitted. He turned the phone around and showed the rest of the kitchen. “This is Eggsy. Eggsy this is...well them.” 

“Merlin are you in a dinosaur onesie cult? Because I want a happy blue for my dino suit then.”

“On it!” Fergus shouted gleefully.

Merlin turned his phone back. “So, that is them.”

“Them who?”

“My family.”

“Like cousins? A couple siblings?”

“6 siblings, a niece, and a couple nephews.”

“Huh, that is...and you are all in a dino onesie cult.”

“I could explain but it actually sounds worse that what you are thinking.”

“I doubt it,” Eggsy was grinning. “Merlin, did you run away home because you like me and it scares the fuck out of you?”

“He did!” his family shouted and he flipped them off.

“Eggsy, I hate going out a lot. People are loud and annoying and confusing and never say what they mean.”

“They are.”

“But those things don’t bother me if they are you,” Merlin said and ignored the happy sighs from his sisters.

“Merlin, you want to go on a second date, maybe where we stay in? My place? Swear down, walls are even insulated well. Don’t hear the neighbours at all.” Eggsy was still smiling that gorgeous smile. 

“I like that. And I promise not to smile.”

“Nah, I promise to make sure that you smile lots.” Eggsy winked. “Text me when you are back from Scotland. Bye Shiny dinos!” he called out and hung up.

“He means make you smile because of his kisses,” Tabitha offered.

“I could figure that one out,” Merlin said.

“Could you?” Cullen asked. “Do I need to explain what happens when a grumpy librarian and a very attractive young man like each other -”

“Shut it.” Merlin put the phone back in his pocket. “Summit is done. I want my butter tarts.”

A tray was pulled out and he ate a couple while the rest of them planned what he should be like on his date. Ursula would write up the relevant notes and email them, he didn’t have to pay attention. He looked to the door and saw one of his grandnieces clutching a stuffie and book. He slid away from the group. He picked her up, “Woke up?”

“Story, Unca Mer.”

He kissed her head. “Always, little one.” He took her upstairs and read her a story. He and Liam walked home a little later in their dino onesies, too comfy to bother changing into their real clothes.

“It’s okay to love,” Liam said when they got inside.

“It hurts a lot.”

“I know, but Mer, you were made to do it, to give it endlessly to those you care about. And I think you care about him.” Liam gave him a hug, and went to his room.

Merlin went to his, and actually took a selfie, still in the onesie. He sent it to Eggsy. // _ Roar’ll see you in three days.// _ Fuck that was stupid but he had already sent it.

A couple minutes later Eggsy had sent back a picture with his eyes looking like cartoon hearts.

Maybe Merlin could let him in, a bit.   
  
  
  



	6. Chapter 6

“Harry, tell me this looks good.” Eggsy moved his phone to scan his kitchen table. He had a dining room one, but it was holding the paper mache project he and Daisy had been foolish enough to start, and he didn’t dare move. But he had bought a bloody table cloth, and nicked candlesticks from Roxy. There was even a wine decanter. “It looks good, yeah?”

“It does,” Harry promised. Eggsy flipped the phone back. “And you do as well, casual but clear effort was made. What are you serving?”

“Made butter chicken,” Eggsy replied. “Learned from a neighbour back when I was a kid. Store bought naan though, never could get the hang of making it myself.”

“More unexpected skills, will you ever stop surprising me?” Harry smiled. “Breathe, Eggsy. You know you like him, and he likes you. Second date. It will be fine.”

“Never done the romantic at home dinner before, that weren’t like pizza and all pretense to get down to the fucking.” Eggsy bit his lip. “Harry, I need to take it slow here, want to do this right. Treat him right.”

“You will,” Harry reassured him, and Eggsy felt relieved. “Now, put on some music, and relax.”

“Yes, sir,” Eggsy said. He hung up, put on the music, low and soft, a romantic soundtrack playlist he found on spotify. He just thought it sounded like movies, didn’t know if it was particularly romantic. He adjusted his shirt collar, smoothed down the leg of the trousers. Fussed with the flowers he had put on the table by the telly. Maybe he should have painted the flat.

Because that was a completely normal thought.

There was a knock at the door. Fuck, he was on time. Who was on time for a date? Rude, much? Eggsy realized that he was close to panicking. He took a few slow breaths, and went to the door. He opened it and smiled. “Hiya.”

“Your building security is quite lax, I was able to just walk in by helping a woman with groceries.”

Everyone who lived in the building was a Kingsman employee, and Eggsy had circulated Merlin’s photo days ago. “I’ll mention it to the manager,” Eggsy replied. “Come on in, Merlin.”

Merlin was dressed similarly, though it was black denim, not trousers; he looked really good. He watched Merlin take in the space. “Interesting.”

“Bit generic, but waiting until I have enough saved up to buy a place to really make a mark.” He could move into a Kingsman house whenever he wanted, but he was happy in the flat for now. He didn’t need a lot of space.

“I can see you in it.” Merlin handed him a bottle of wine. “I was told to bring this.”

“Thanks,” Eggsy said. “Which dinosaur?”

“The pink one.”

“Those really all siblings?” Eggsy took the wine to the kitchen, stirred the simmering chicken. The rice was almost ready, and the naan was warming in the oven. He turned, and Merlin had followed him to the kitchen. “Hi,” Eggsy said.

“Hello, we already exchanged greetings.”

“Bit nervous, alright? Never quite done this whole gorgeous bloke romantic dinner at home thing.” Eggsy flushed a bit. “Never cooked for a bloke before.”

“It does smell good.”

“I’m glad. It can sit for a bit though, if we want to...sit?” Eggsy sighed. “Right, why did you want a second date with me?” He had apparently lost the ability to communicate like a normal person.

“Because you are interesting.” 

“Okay,” Eggsy poured them a bit of wine. “So tell me about the siblings.” He listened as Merlin spoke, and enjoyed the way the man was animated and seemed as grumpy about his siblings, as he did everything else. But the grump was different than when people put books back wrong. There was this thread of affection in the grumpiness, a warmth there, with this quirk of his lips that was almost a smile. He dished them up food, and Merlin kept talking, complaining about the time Cullen made his whole church pray that the last bit of Merlin’s hair fall out. “He did not.”

“He did,” Merlin swore. 

“I mean it didn’t work, I’ve seen a bit of stubble, you have some hair.” Eggsy wondered if that the wrong thing to say.

“It was the great disappointment of my life that I return home, and the rest of the bastards hairline had moved not a whit. Not even Fergus, the damn milkman’s baby.”

“Wait, really? Is that a thing?” Eggsy felt his jaw drop at such a casual comment.

“No, just the only ginger in the lot, it was a joke my uncles told a lot, but he was the image of my Da’s Dad.” Merlin dug into the food. He made a happy noise, that made Eggsy flush. “This is good, Eggsy.”

“Thanks, I’m glad you like it.”

“Tell me about being a tailor,” Merlin said, and tore some naan bread up.

Fuck now Eggsy had to talk about being a tailor. He always hated that, because he didn’t like lying to people who mattered. But at least that had him set up as a buyer, so he talked about his travels and finding fabric, and in general his cover story. The Morrigan had drilled it into his head and made him memorize the in colours and cuts for the year. Usually anyone he was talking to had their eyes glaze over by this point, but fuck if Merlin wasn’t completely paying attention. “So, yeah, likely have to be on the road soon. Make a trip to some of our vendors, fabric makers.”

“At least you get to travel to nice locations,” Merlin said, and put his cutlery down. “That was wonderful, Eggsy.”

“Thanks, and yeah, the places are interesting.” Last trip he he had been bleeding from bullet wounds in alleys in Prague. Super awesome. “Another glass of wine?”

“I have an incredibly low tolerance, you do not want the singing that would result from a third glass.”

“Don’t know, kinda might?” Eggsy asked. “How bad is it?”

“It is...well my brother swears he only gets sleep listening to the recording of me singing Country Roads. But I assume that is bullshit.”

“Now I gotta hear you.”

“No, you don’t,” Merlin replied. “Tea would be good?”

“I can put the kettle on,” Eggsy said. “Go on to the living room, I’ll bring it out in a mo.” He tidied up the kitchen as the kettle heated, and put together what he thought was a decent tray. Harry’s tea lessons drilled into him. But apologies to Harry, his loose leaf 50 pounds a box stuff tasted just the same to him as PG, so he stuck with that. He let the tea steep, arranged some biscuits on the tray. Yeah, looked all nice and classy. He took it to the living room. “Shall I pour?” he asked.

“Thank you, just a squeeze of lemon,” Merlin requested and Eggsy did so before making his with a good dollop of milk. “I trust my smile has been more sincere tonight.”

“It has,” Eggsy agreed. He sat back on in the chair, a bit away from Merlin who was on the couch. “Merlin?”

“Aye?”

“Could we talk?”

“I thought that was what we were doing. And that it was going very well. I never brought up shitting yourself running...and I just did. Bugger.”

Eggsy snickered a bit. “Seriously, talking with you is the best, swear down.”

“You used to say that a lot.”

“Job forced me to code switch to BBC dialect a lot, other slips out occasionally.” Eggsy held the tea close. “Sort of like you and the scots even though you’ve been here how long?”

“33 years, thereabouts,” Merlin replied. “Had a scholarship to the Imperial College. Had more scholarships in Scotland, but I needed to get far away.”

“From your Da.”

“Aye,” Merlin agreed.

“I had it better, when I did come out. Did so a few years after our talk. But it went...fine? Mum was okay, friends were more than okay, Dean was, well he was too busy hating me for other reasons to care about that.”

“Complete wanker?”

“Beyond, but he’s long gone, now.”

“V-day?”

“Bit after, in the chaos.” It was a lie, but the one he stuck to, it was easiest. 

“Well here is to him roasting in hell, next to my da,” Merlin raised his glass and Eggsy did as well. “Fun talk.”

“Not actually what I wanted to talk about.” Eggsy put his mug on the table. “I like you.”

“We have established the mutual liking previously.”

“Don’t be an arse,” Eggsy made a face at him. “I’m asking...we are dating now, yeah? Moving towards boyfriends, or partners, or whatever you want to call us?” His fingers were tapping against his leg. The Morrigan tried to get those tells gone, and he was decent at work, but this mattered a lot more than saving the bloody world. “We are maybe headed towards that?”

“I haven’t dated anyone in almost five years. That gentleman, did not like certain...aspects of my personality. My...who I am,” Merlin was oddly hesitant, Eggsy was surprised that something could make the man not confident in his words. “And I haven’t bothered since then. No one was interesting enough.”

“I promise, I’m plenty interesting,” Eggsy swore. “And I promise Merlin, there are only like 3 things that are complete no goes for me in relationships.”

“Now, that makes me curious. What are they?”

“Nothing that ever involves animals or anyone under 19; I can play dead I guess, but we are not bringing corpses into this. And if you are a Tory.”

“I am in full agreement with that list,” Merlin promised. “And raise the list to 21. Not that I like sharing.”

Yeah, Eggsy was going to skirt right by that one. Not like he was sent on honeypots, he had been garbage at that training. Leaving that just...aside. “But anything else? We can find a middle ground yeah? Like a couple would.”

“Because you would like us to become a couple.”

“Second date is probably rushing it, but been enamoured of you since I was sixteen, so frankly the fact I’m not on my knees proposing to you is sort of amazing.”

“I am not wearing a white tux at our wedding, no matter what bribe Ur tries to entice you with,” Merlin replied, and quickly at that. Eggsy blinked.

“To be clear, I’m not actually proposing? And why would you be in a white tux, that would not suit you at all?"

“Ur has a thing for white, wishes someone would have a white wedding.”

“What like someone is a virgin white wedding?” Oh that brushed too close to the topic Eggsy was trying to circle towards. 

“No, like just an all white wedding. She keeps odd pinterest boards. We don’t ask, and I’m the only option left.”

“Thought Liam was single?” He remembered hearing that an hour ago.

“Aro, ace, he has not intent on marrying.”

“Oh, cool,” Eggsy said. He could work around to this. “Ace is cool, yeah? I mean the whole scale from sex repulsed to it being a meh sandwich that you’ll eat because you don’t dislike dislike it? All good, and a loving boyfriend would be okay with any parameters placed of that nature.” There we go, that was nice and clear.

“Eggsy are you hungry for a sandwich?”

“What, no?” Eggsy frowned. “Why are you? You ate a lot of the butter chicken.”

“No, but you were describing sexuality as a sandwich - it was a confusing metaphor.”

“Pretty clear to me.”

“Because you are trying to tell me that you want a sandwich?”

“No, I don’t want a bloody sandwich, I’m trying to tell you that I am okay with you being ace, you clueless librarian!” Eggsy shouted, and then realizing he had shouted at his boyfriend. He collapsed back into his chair and covered his head. “I’m sorry.” Eggsy stayed burrowed in his arms. Yelling at someone you liked was bad. He hated when Harry had yelled at him, and that was platonic. He didn’t want...yelling was where Dean started. “You can let yourself out.”

He heard Merlin get up, and waited to hear a door close, but Merlin seemed to have stopped in front of his chair. “Eggsy.”

“It’s fine, sorry. You should just go.”

“No, Eggsy. Last date, I smiled too much, and this one, you are speaking too much. And not plainly at the moment.” Merlin’s hands were on his arms, coaxing him out of where he was trying to hide. “Hi,” Merlin said when Eggsy looked at him.

“Hi,” Eggsy tried to smile. “I was going to be suave tonight.”

“You have been. It was lovely, until you decided to rush into conversations that most people would have had a few more dates in.”

“Don’t really know, not dated long term.”

“Oh?”

“Dated 3 people, two birds and a bloke, few more hook ups. But never longer than a few months. And knew none of them would last. I want you to last, Merlin.” Eggsy looked at him. “I am willing to do whatever it takes, to make it last.”

“No, don’t sacrifice who are, middle ground, as you said.”

“Aren’t we a pair? Me barely dated, you ace and no relationship in as long as I have been sexually active.”

“I think we need to clear something up, here, Eggsy.”

“What?”

“I like sandwiches.”

“Okay, I suppose I could make you one. Or we could go out?” Eggsy was a bit lost.

“This was your metaphor.”

“Ohhhh,” Eggsy blinked. “You like sandwiches. Not pretend like, or tolerate like, but like like.”

“Eggsy I like fucking men, and being fucked by them. We are losing the sandwich metaphor, because I do not actually care for sandwiches, too many flavours.”

Eggsy began to laugh and couldn’t stop because that was the funniest damn thing. “You like  _ sandwiches _ , but hate sandwiches.” He hiccuped a little as the laughter died off. “Do you...right lose the metaphor...are you demi?”

“No,” Merlin smiled. “I am not any branch of the community except for gay. And you are Bi.”

“Yeah,” Eggsy smiled at him. “So umm, that’s my history? I’m clean, been to bed with 7 people. I know that might seem a lot, but -” He was guessing that Merlin was less than five people, which was fine. It made them special. And he would be patient, whenever Merlin was ready, then they would do that whether it was a month or a year from now.

“93.” Eggsy waited because Merlin was clearly counting. “Oh wait, I forgot the year 2006 that was a busy year...hold on...I think it become a bit declasse if we have a specific number over 100 isn’t it? You are all gentlemanly now, is it bad to admit I’ve fuck over a hundred people?”

“I’m sorry, huh?” Eggsy was sure he had heard that wrong.

“At a certain point, I think it sounds bad if I give a specific number? I think. What is the etiquette on honestly in sexual history? I can tell you only four of those have been women.”

“But you are gay.”

“We did not have sex, I just went down on them. Don’t have to be hard to do that.” Merlin frowned. “So really do they actually count, as my dick didn’t go in anything?” Eggsy was still trying to process this. “But I mean even if we remove them, it is still a decent amount over a hundred. Removing them probably not more than 120.” Merlin nodded. “Aye, in around there.”

“I’m...huh?”

“I should have just said more than 7, shouldn’t have I? I am clean too. Get tested every six months, never had sex once without a condom. Lived through times that drilled that into me.”

“I...huh?”

“Eggsy, are you alright?” 

Merlin was clearly concerned but Eggsy couldn’t form much higher thought that huh. This would take a minute. “That’s...you really like sandwiches.” Eggsy looked at him. “You really like sandwiches.”

“I thought we were ditching the metaphor?” Merlin sat there looking at him. “I shouldn’t have given a number.”

“How does someone even fuck that many people?”

“Well you pick them up in a bar, and then your dick goes in their arse, or their dick goes in your arse?” Merlin shrugged. “It is pretty easy actually.”

“But you really really hate people.” That was the thing that was most confusing for Eggsy, the guy did not communicate well. “How does that work? You said the last person you dated was over five years ago, and seriously what preferences of yours were a problem for him? You already implied you don’t cheat.”

“Oh he thought a man of my age shouldn’t be interested in sex as much as I am, that a once a week fuck for someone of my advanced age was all that was seemly.”

“Wait, what fucking tosser doesn’t want to bang you every chance he gets, if you are down for it?”

“He was saving up his limited sexual skills for the person of his own age he was dating at the same time.”

“I can have him killed. I know a guy, what he can do with a seam ripper, say the word and he is dead.”

“I had my revenge,” Merlin promised darkly. “The man I dated in my 30s, he and I are still sort of friends. We play footie together. He is a cop, there were a lot of parking tickets for a month after the break up.”

“You play footie with people? What the fuck is with all these bombs you are dropping here? You in a league? Merlin that means you like have a team and socialize. Seriously, what the fuck.” Eggsy could not cope. Forget the tea. He went to the kitchen and poured a whisky. Brought one back for Merlin too. “How?”

“We don’t actually talk? I show up. Play. My friend and I exchange nods. I leave.” Merlin sipped the whisky and made a noise of appreciation. “I don’t think he and I have said five words to each other in the last year.”

“But you are friends.”

“Of course, wait do you talk to your friends?”

“Yes!” Eggsy looked at him. “That is how they are friends.”

“Oh, hmm. I’ll actually say hello next game. See how that goes. Would you like to watch me play. Partners often come along and watch. I have decided I like the word partner for us.”

“Yeah, okay, partner is fine. You people. You fuck them, and play footie with them, and have a huge family. Merlin, anything else you want to share about peopling?”

“I should mention the drag queens, shouldn’t I?”

Eggsy finished his whisky. “I’m guessing yes.”

“I am not a drag queen, I want to be very clear on that.” Merlin nodded firmly. “I dislike the feel of wigs.”

“But you know enough, to know that.”

“Drag queens adopt me.”

“Merlin, I want you to really think about that sentence.”

“It is a normal sentence.”

“Is it? I’m getting more whisky.” Eggsy went, and poured another glass. He could never ever tell Harry about this conversation because the tit would have a heart attack from laughing so much. “Okay, so you get adopted by drag queens.”

“Aye. Three years ago, Liam and I went to San Francisco, for Pride. He wanted us to bond. I wanted to see where the movie Bullet was filmed. We ended up at a drag show. He made friends. They thought my glaring at every piece of glitter and feather in the place trying to keep them off me was adorable. I was the ‘cutest eeyore’ they had ever seen. It was all very loud and shiny and I didn’t care for it. Until I found out about the reading program.”

“Reading program?” Now Eggsy was even more lost, considering the conversation that had come about that was impressive.

“Drag queens doing storytime at libraries!” Merlin was beaming, and fuck there was that incandescent thing again. “They tend to read stories about inclusivity and we are all beautiful and different is okay. When we got home from the trip, I sort of went around hunting down drag queens to find ones who would be interested in doing the same here. Found a few, and again I became their 'eeyore' and we presented a proposal to the library board. They’ve been fighting it thanks to a fucking few annoying won’t someone think of the children mothers, but I am pretty sure this quarter it will pass. Daisy will get to hear drag queens reading her stories. We have a whole grumpster and fairy princess thing planned. Won’t that be amazing?”

When Merlin talked of the library and the children’s programs at it, he was just so beautiful, it fucking hurt. “Yeah, yeah it will be amazing.” Eggsy leaned forward and kissed him. “Can’t wait to see that.” He dropped another kiss on Merlin’s lips and then Merlin was pressing him back into the chair and Eggsy’s brain stopped working for the fourth time that night. When they broke apart, Merlin’s eyes were hot. “Oh, that was a bloody good kiss.”

“It was,” Merlin agreed.

“I gotta ask, Merlin, about the sex.”

“Oh, yes, well I hate people, but I love sex. The press of bodies, the kisses, and touching, the everything about it. It is awkward and messy, and perfect. I have a high sex drive, takes me longer than it used to, to get hard, can only go once a day now, but I’d be happy to be taken by my partner two or three times a day.”

“Wha?”

“I like both, taking and being taken, so whatever you would want that is fine,” Merlin said. “I had a bit of a reputation at the University I worked at, before budget cuts stripped my job. There was a campus bar. I shagged any willing bloke. And eventually it became a thing? Stressed by deadlines, your phd, or whatever. The guy at the north end of the bar was weed, the south end was me. Who’d fuck the stress out of you. Was quite good at it. I think about 20 or so phds are dedicated to me. And I’m cited as a critical editor on a bunch of papers, basically for the clarity of thought my dick provided. After I was let go from the job. Still hung out at the bar. I’ve been sexually active for 33 years, that number really is just a few a year.”

Merlin was so fit, and Eggsy liked him so much, that sometimes he just forget the age difference. “You’ve been out there slutting it up, longer than I’ve been alive.” Eggsy groaned. “Bugger, not that there is anything wrong with that. Slut shaming is a crime.”

“Eggsy, it is fine,” Merlin promised. “I have fucked a lot of people. And now? I am only interested in fucking you. A lot. On any and every available surface, while pinning down your arms, making your forget your name, forget that words even exist. I want you lost in what I am doing to you, so that all you are aware of is me. My cock pressing slowly into you, and then fucking you so hard, that you are still buzzing from it days later. And then because you are young and fit, you’ll be able to fuck me in the same night. I do so love young men recovery periods. I love to be fucked where the other doesn’t have to worry about getting me off, just take whatever they need, whatever they want from my body. Slake all their needs in my skin. And then do it all again the next day. How do you feel about me using those pretty ties you’ve sometimes worn to the library, to blindfold you. I feel that could be fun.”

“Bwah?”

“Eggsy are we done talking now, because I’d really like to have sex with you. I did assume you had lube and condoms?”

Eggsy managed a nod. Sure he did, not that he expected to use them anytime soon, except by himself. “I was going to go slow with this. Not scare you away.”

“Oh, no of course, we can go slow...that means I fuck you over my dining table on our next date right?”

“That’s your idea of slow?”

“Uh...no,” Merlin said and was clearly trying to figure Eggsy out. “Slow means whatever you mean it to mean.”

Eggsy had to laugh. And the words Merlin had said made him half hard. “Tell me something. You have that many fucks because you are rubbish at it, and one offs mean no one has to know you are trash in bed. Or have that many fucks honed your skills into you being the best fuck I’ll ever have, could imagine having?”

“It has been said, I’ve ruined people for other lovers,” Merlin promised. Eggsy thought the smile was something else entirely. Was there a word for when incandescent changed to dark and wicked? He’d have to look it up. Later, because Merlin was standing now, and starting to strip off clothes. Holy fucking shit, those abs.

“What the fuck, Merlin?” Eggsy breathed out. He sat forward and couldn’t stop himself. He licked a strip along those abs.

“I cope with humanity by punching bags and other things a few days a week.” Merlin looked down at him. “Eggsy, would you like me to fuck you now?” Eggsy nodded. “Over what surface?”

Eggsy stood up. “My bedroom is this way.” He took Merlin’s hand, and dragged him to his bedroom. Apparently his grumpy and clueless library was full of surprises. “You going to make me forget my name?”

“I’m going to make you forget everything but me.”

“You can try,” Eggsy challenge, and that dark and wicked smile was there again. Oh he wanted the promise in that smile. He wanted everything in that smile. “Merlin, show me what you’ve got.” Eggsy began undoing his shirt.

“It will be my pleasure.”

“Nah, it damn well better be mine.” Eggsy tossed his shirt over towards his chair, and pushed Merlin down on the bed. Harry would think all this very ungentlemanly.

Eggsy figured gentlemen were overrated when your partner promised he was a sex god.

And then made good on that promise.   
  



	7. Chapter 7

“Hey, who’s that standing over there? In a posh suit?” Sean asked after he headbutted the ball away. “Over there,” he gestured as they ran up the midfield.

Merlin looked over. “That’s my partner.” He kicked the ball hard and hung back, careful about offside - the thing that always got him. He gave a wave, and Eggsy waved back. Merlin was almost smiling. “He’s been on a business trip to Italy the last couple weeks. Guess he was back when he said he would be.”

“Wait…” Sean ignored the game they were in the middle of playing and actually winning for once. “Your guy was coming home from a two week business trip, and you didn’t offer to pick him up at the airport? He found you, still in what look like work clothes at your pick up footie game?”

Merlin was paying attention to the ball which was headed back their way. “Yes. He often gets delayed his said on business trips. Better for him to find me. He doesn’t like airport pickups, he said.” Merlin blocked and started to move with the ball. He passed it to Sean, who gave it a hard, wild kick. Right towards Eggsy. “Since when the fuck do you do bullshit like that?”

“So that you would need to go collect the ball, and say hi to your bloody boyfriend,” Sean snapped. “Go fetch, Brays.”

“I hate when you call me by my last name. Why we broke up.” 

“We broke up, because we were better friends than lovers.”

“Oh, I forgot to say, did you know Eggsy thinks for someone to be your best friend, you have to talk more than we do?” Merlin saw Eggsy pick up the ball.

“Well, this is officially the longest conversation we’ve had in two years.”

“Is that a problem?” Merlin frowned. “I thought we were good.”

Sean smiled, that happy friendly smile so open and honest that had brought them together, and been the thing that kept them friends after their break up. “We’re good. Though we’ll be better if you go get our ball. Before Jenkins there goes to chat up your man.”

Merlin’s head turned sharply, oh no, that was not happening. Jenkins thought himself quite the flirt, and Merlin was pretty sure people thought him attractive. His eyes were too close together. He reached Eggsy just after Jenkins who was trying to smile seductively. It made him look constipated. “You look constipated,” Merlin told Jenkins. He took the ball from Eggsy, and put it into the man’s stomach hard. “Bye.” He turned to Eggsy. “Hi.”

“Hi. So, you really do play footie.”

“Of course I do. I told you, the where and when - it is how you found me,” Merlin said. He gestured behind him. “Sean is out there. Want to meet him?”

“Your ex? I’m good right now, thanks. Should you get back to playing?”

“Why?”

“Because you were playing, and everyone is waiting for you?” Eggsy was smiling. “And you looked good out there.”

“Yes, but you are here now. I was playing to burn energy. I can now burn that energy fucking you at my place.” Merlin looked at Eggsy. “Unless you are too tired from traveling. Then I can go back out there, show off my prowess to arouse you with my competence at kicking a ball, and not breaking my nose when I headbutt it, unlike Jenkins.”

“Don’t worry, Merlin, you are the prettiest one out there. Well, the silver haired bloke ain’t bad.”

“That’s Sean, the ex. The best friend.”

“Well, you do have good taste in men.”

Merlin pulled Eggsy in close, and kissed him. “I do.”

“Fucking hell,” Eggsy said when they pulled apart. “Did you spend the last two weeks practicing that?”

“Reading romance novels at work. They have excellent suggestions.”

“Yeah, say goodbye to your footie friends. Italy was endless meetings and I am restless from travel. Always restless after flying.”

“Want me to fuck that out of you?”

“I really do.”

Merlin flipped the teams off behind his back, and started walking towards his home. Eggsy had laughed the first time he had been to Merlin’s house, something about how of course the outside was painted charcoal grey. But that had been there, and he couldn’t see a reason to change it. Merlin loved his small house. It was full of odd angles and walls in bizarre places, windows at odd heights. He was pretty sure the people who had put it together had been high when they designed the three bedroom space. People felt unsettled by his house and other than family never stayed long.

It was perfect.

Eggsy had been surprised that there were maybe 20 books in the house, he had expected it to be jammed full, but Merlin worked in libraries, he had access to any book ever, he didn’t need them in his home, and often read digital copies anyways. He would get too obsessed about organizing them anyways - he had learned that decades ago.

They got in the house, and Merlin turned to Eggsy. “It has to suck traveling in a suit.”

“I went home and changed into this. You like the look.”

Merlin nodded. He looked at Eggsy, he had caught a bit of sun while away. “Was the trip to Italy successful?”

“Not bad, bit of give and take in the negotiations, but I think I brought some interesting stuff home for the tailors.”

“That’s good.” Merlin watched him carefully. “Did you have some downtime, tourist a bit?”

“Nah was pretty busy. Work trips are work trips, no fun doing silly tourist stuff if you have no one with you. You like traveling, Merlin?”

“I don’t mind it. There are many libraries I still need to see.” Merlin got lost in his thoughts for a moment. “You know what collection I’d love to see?”

“What?” 

Eggsy had an indulgent smile on his face. Merlin knew they should be getting naked already, but his brain was thinking.

“The John James Audubon Center,” Merlin said. “I’ve always wanted to see his illustrations in person.” Merlin wondered if Eggsy knew what he was referring to, it wasn’t the most common thing to want to see.

“Birds?”

“Aye,” Merlin agreed. “I’ve seen copies, but to see the original would be nice.”

“We’ll take a trip to…”

“Pennsylvania in the Americas.” Merlin made a face at how Eggsy laughed a little. “Sorry, the States.”

“Been to New York a few times, for work, L.A. but not there. Could be interesting.”

“Not likely.”

“Hershey chocolate is made in that state, I can be plenty interested in that.”

Merlin pulled him close. “I have noticed you have a sweet tooth.”

“Sour one too.”

That puzzled Merlin. “I have not seen you eat any sour candy.” He couldn’t think of an instance anyways. “You like how it cuts up your mouth? Food shouldn’t hurt.”

“No, I meant I have a sour tooth because I like you.” Eggsy grinned, and did that silly eyebrow arch he did to make Merlin laugh, and Merlin did laugh. “You looked good on the pitch. Though I noticed - did involve some running.”

Merlin rolled his eyes. “Not very strenuous running with that lot.”

“You looked good. Bit dirty, bit sweaty. Only used to seeing you look like that in bed.” 

Eggsy’s look had changed, and Merlin smiled at him. “I can shower, get the dirt and sweat off.”

“I like it.”

“Yes but I want you to suck my cock, and that is the wrong sort of sweaty going on down there.” Merlin kissed Eggsy’s nose. “Five minutes.” He went upstairs to his bathroom, turned the water on to warm up. His water heater was ancient and took a while to get going. He gave his teeth a quick brush, because he was pretty sure he had forgotten to that morning, he didn’t mind having appalling breath for his footie mates. But he did for Eggsy. He took a quick piss, and flushed the toilet. Bugger that would make the water pressure go poorly. He was waiting the extra minute, when there was a knock on the door.

“Bit stale from travel, I could join you?” Eggsy said poking his head in.

“You said you went home and changed - ye would have had a shower.” Merlin looked at him. “You probably even prepped a bit.”

“Merlin, I want to get my hands on you.”

“Ah, we aren’t having shower sex though, it is awkward. I tore a ligament once doing it. Never again.”

“How did you - nope. No we don’t have a share everything relationship,” Eggsy declared. “Shower handjobs, how are those?”

“Those are acceptable,” Merlin declared. He put his hand in the shower and quickly pulled it out. “Hot,” he shouted.

“Yeah, you are.”

Merlin snorted, and turned the knob. There, hot but wouldn’t remove skin. He stripped, and watched Eggsy do the same. “You do look fucking spectacular in your suits.”

“Been picturing what our head tailor could do for you, dreaming of it. Found a houndstooth, god you in a jacket in it? Wanked three times to the image of it in my head while I was gone.”

Merlin went under the spray and gave his pits and junk a quick wash with soap and flannel before Eggsy stepped in with him. When Eggsy was in front of him, the overhead spray soaking them both, he tossed the flannel away and cupped Eggsy’s face. “Hello. I missed you.”

“You were probably buried in books.”

“I missed you between the hours for 6:30--10:30 on weeknights, and dawn until lunch on weekends. Would have been more but I did weekend afternoons at the library to kill the time.” Merlin kissed Eggsy slowly. Shower sex was only good for Mills and Boon books and porn, but shower kisses were incredible things. He loved Eggsy’s wet lips, the way his hair darkened, the drops that clung to his eyes. Merlin pressed his tongue into Eggsy’s mouth. The man tasted like tea and cough drops. “Sick?” he asked when he pulled away.

“Recycled air on planes, tend to pound cough drops on them. Also help me pop my ears, more than gum.” 

Merlin kissed him again. They stood under the spray, just touching and kissing, words forgotten for the time being. Merlin soaped up his hands and began to wash Eggsy down, more because he wanted to touch him, than the man needing to get clean. He noticed the faint tan line where Eggsy’s glasses would have been. He hadn’t figured out yet the pattern to Eggsy’s wearing them. Figured they were mostly for strain, he didn’t seem to need them every day. He noticed the same faint line bisecting Eggsy’s bicep. He had caught some sun while away. Not a lot, barely noticeable, unless you were incredibly used to Eggsy’s skin.

Merlin had spent the last month memorizing it.

He knelt under the spray, and washed Eggsy’s legs. He even ran his hands over Eggsy’s feet. “You have just the ugliest toes,” Merlin said. 

“Broke a bunch, a long time ago. Plus gymnastics and then parkour? Makes for ballerina feet - strong and ugly as your skinny calves.”

That was a thing that was making Merlin fall in love with Eggsy. That when he said something that anyone else would take as wrong, Eggsy just gave as good as he got. He didn’t worry that his words wouldn’t be understood with Eggsy, or when they were Eggsy didn’t lash out, a fight didn’t start. Instead Eggsy asked Merlin what he meant, or if he wanted to reword it. It was good. They talked more than he did with anyone else - even Liam or Tabitha.

Merlin nuzzled the soft hair around Eggsy’s half hard cock before he lapped at the water falling along the length.

“Thought handjobs was the only shower option? And that I was the one supposed to be sucking cock?” Eggsy said, his fingers pressing against Merlin’s scalp.

Merlin loved the way Eggsy’s fingers seemed to be framing his skull, like he would be able to sculpt it just from memory of touch. “Shut up, I’m busy here.” Merlin kept licking and pulled Eggsy’s cock into his mouth. He didn’t try to tease, he had missed the feel of it in his mouth too much. He bobbed fast, sucked hard, his hands were bruising Eggsy’s hips. He loved the noises that Eggsy was making. His one hand scraped nails over Eggsy’s arse, knowing the skin was very sensitive there. Eggsy cursed and it made Merlin smile. He kept going hard, and swallowed when Eggsy orgasmed. He nipped at Eggsy’s hip before he stood up again. “Now then, shall we go to bed, see if I can fuck hardness back into that pretty soft cock?”

“I missed you so much,” Eggsy said and leaned against him.

“In Italy.”

“There are way too many fucking pigeons in that country. And I mean I go to our parks regularly.” 

Merlin turned off the water, and they barely dried off before falling into Merlin’s bed. Merlin went slowly, touching every inch of Eggsy, kissing and biting all his favourite spots, and by the time he pushed into Eggsy the man was growing hard again. Merlin went even slower, until Eggsy was begging and he managed to hold off his own orgasm until Eggsy was coming again. The lad was perfection in bed. 

Merlin cleaned them up. “Nap, or telly?”

“Nap,” Eggsy yawned. “Still coming down from the travel.”

“Tell me about it.” Merlin listened as Eggsy talked about his business trip. It was vague, Eggsy clearly not wanting to bore him. 

“Tell me about your weeks,” Eggsy said after a bit. 

“Well it wasn’t as exciting as Italy. I’m working on decommissions right now. So many copies of bad bestsellers, and what not to be put in the upcoming book sale.” Merlin talked about that and the first drag queen reading, which had been a huge hit with the children, especially Daisy who had been brought by Michelle.

“Bummed I missed that. Was hoping the trip might have ended early, but one bugger was a stubborn git.” Eggsy yawned again. “Swear I don’t want to go to Italy anytime soon again. Like the idea of a trip with you, though. Real vacation. Buy gift shop bookmarks.”

“That could be fun. And no Italy.” Merlin kissed Eggsy’s shoulder.

“Fucking hate huge time changes,” Eggsy slurred, and was soon asleep.

Merlin stayed wrapped around him.

Eggsy had been in Italy. He had very faint tan lines. He complained about the time change.

Italy was only one hour different, and Merlin had checked the weather - it had rained almost every day for the last two weeks in Italy.

Merlin didn’t drift off, just stared at his ceiling while Eggsy snored.


	8. Chapter 8

“Wow, pretty,” Daisy whispered, and went to sit on the carpet with the other children. Eggsy drifted back to other parents, guardians, nannies, and they were all responding in a very similar manner to Daisy.

“Lord above, I am a weak woman, let him bend over,” one said. A few echoed agreements, and then the young man setting up for the grumpster time did and there were contented sighs.

“It’s a nice arse I suppose,” Eggsy said. He liked Merlin’s lean flanks more. “He is pretty though, Daisy was right about that.” The man stood up, and smiled at them all, a bit of a flush on his cheeks, “and he’s heard everything we’ve been saying.”

“We’re whispering,” one woman said.

“From like two metres away, he heard us.”

The children were all looking at him, and he gave a wave and disappeared behind the wall.

“New librarian?” Eggsy asked out loud. “Grumpster generally works alone, unless it is one the drag queen days.” Which, oh my god those were the best, the magic fairy teaching grumpster about kindness and respect. Daisy had begged her hair to be bright pink like the drag queen. Michelle had bought her a cheap wig and Daisy wore it for weeks.

“No, I am on the board,” another woman said, “No new hires.”

The young man came back out a cape on his shoulders, and a cardboard sword in his hands. “Hello, I am Prince Sebastian, and I seem to have become very lost in these odd woods.” He looked around. “I wish I knew where my horse had gone to. Have you fairies seen my horse?” He looked down at the children with a smile.

They all giggled. “No horsies in the library,” Daisy said.

“Is library the name of these woods? How interesting. Good fairy, perhaps you can guide me before danger befalls us?”

Merlin made his growls from behind the wall.

The young man immediately moved to protect the children. “What foul manner of creature lurks in these woods?”

A snarl, “Creature? I am no creature, and these are my woods and my home. Who are you, someone to feed to the monster in my pot?” Merlin emerged in his usual costume. “Foul demon, begone from my home.”

“I, a demon?” the man gasped dramatically. “I am a Prince. P - P - P prince. It is a big word and I will teach you to spell it, because clearly you know no such things. P-R-I-N-C-E. Prince Sebastian in fact. And I am lost in these woods.”

“And I am the keeper of these lands,” Merlin snarled, “but perhaps you can be of use to me. The monster in my cauldron is hungry for happy words today, and I know too few. I will guarantee safe passage, if you feed the creature well.”

Eggsy watched the young man lead the children in feeding the monster happy words, and the children were responding beautifully to the play between the two. Young, Scottish, and a not dissimilar jawline to Merlin. One of the nephews. The children were all cheering when the Grumpster helped Sebastian find his horse and leave, and soon the toys were put out. Daisy was working on a puzzle, and Eggsy watched all the mums swarm the poor kid. He looked to Merlin and nodded his head, thinking maybe he’d like to rescue his nephew, but Merlin just gave him a blank look in return. Eggsy nodded his head again, and sighed when Merlin frowned in confusion and went back to helping a child with their shapes.

Eggsy decided he was a hero, he could at least rescue the poor kid from the yoga pants wine o’clock brigade. He went over, and nudged himself into the small circle. He was not of a dissimilar age to Eggsy, but was definitely panicking. “Sebastian, right? Do you belong to...Tabitha?”

“No, Fergus is my da,” Sebastian smiled. “We’ve heard a lot about you Eggsy.”

And the man was hugging him. Someone related to Merlin was hugging him. Wait, was Merlin from a touchy feely family? The mums all went away and the man muttered, “Thank fuck, that worked.” He quickly stepped away from Eggsy. “Sorry about that, but I thought maybe that would get them to move.”

“How?” Eggsy was curious about that.

“Hugging you meant a relationship, that was exclusionary to them. I clearly wouldn’t be able to focus on them, after that. Why preen when it wouldn’t be noticed?"

“Merlin mentioned a minor in psychology?”

“Aye, I hated it, but it is useful.” Sebastian smiled. “It is a pleasure to meet you.”

“And you. He talks about you a fair bit,” Eggsy said. “You are on the barely wants to murder you list.”

“A fine compliment,” Sebastian grinned.

“So why are you visiting?”

“I am checking out a uni. Got an offer for my masters, and debating pulling an Uncle Merlin and coming to London. Not to stay like him, but just to have a couple years breathing room before I go home.”

“In Education?”

“Ye remembered.”

“Remember everything Merlin tells me.”

“Not that that would be hard, with how little he says. I was the first, to come visit him. I was 18, and dreading coming out to my family.  I had heard them talk about what had happened, I remembered my grandfather. So I didn’t say anything to anyone, just hopped a train and showed up on Merlin’s steps, sure that he’d just slam the door in my face.”

“But he took you in, gave you tea, and all the love and support you needed.”

“Well, he took me in, I made the tea myself, because he was busy yelling at me for three hours about what can happen to pretty young men who ride the rails. I think he forgot it wasn’t 1933 for a moment.”

Eggsy snorted a bit at that. “So what uni are you looking at?”

He and Sebastian talked until Daisy pressed up against Eggsy’s leg. He picked her up easily. “Daisy, this is Sebastian. Grumpster’s nephew, can you say hello?”

“Hello, you are pretty.”

“Why thank you, though nowhere near as pretty as you,” Sebastian said, and when Daisy dived for him, he caught her easily. “Do you like the grumpster?”

“Yesssss, he snarls and roars,” Daisy gave a pretty good growl. “R is for ravens that paint the sky black and rule the land.”

“Well done!” Sebastian praised. 

“He kisses Eggsy.”

“Oh, does he now?” Sebastian smiled at Eggsy. “Is it gross?”

“He puts his tongue in Eggsy’s mouth!”

Sebastian gave a shudder. “Oh my word, how blech.” 

“Blech!”

“Would you like me to help you find a couple books to take home? I know wonderful ones.”

“Yes, please.”

“What lovely manners.”

“Uncle Harry says, Manners Maketh Man,” Daisy repeated. “No manners, no ice cream treats.”

“What ice cream treats?” Eggsy asked, and gave her a look.

“Sorry, Eggsy, but books are calling to us,” Sebastian hurried Daisy away from Eggsy.

Eggsy heard her ask Sebastian to marry her, and laughed a bit. He went over to Merlin, and helped him clean up the toys. “Apparently our kisses our blech. Didn’t know, Daisy had even seen us.”

Merlin looked at him. “Is it a problem that she has seen us kiss goodbye?”

Eggsy shook his head, “Nah, honestly still surprised you are okay with us kissing in public.”

“Why? Do you not like it?”

“No, I like it,” Eggsy promised him. It wasn’t a lot, a quick kiss at the end of story time when he was taking her home, he had just always thought her absorbed in her books and didn’t notice. “Sebastian seems nice.”

“He is a good one,” Merlin agreed, and pushed the cart of toys to the wall. “Would you have dinner with us tonight?”

“I wish I could, but have a work thing.” He and Roxy had a stakeout that night in the east end. “I could do something on the weekend though.”

“Brunch on Saturday before he flies home.”

“Think he’ll move to London?”

“I do, he needs a bit of space. A chance to figure out who he is. And selfishly I wouldn’t mind a little family in town.”

Eggsy smiled at him. “Definitely brunch.” Daisy came running over, with her selected books. “See you Saturday?”

“Maybe a bit before,” Merlin said, but before Eggsy could ask what he meant, Daisy was dragging him away.

****

“So…” Eggsy was looking through a scope, preferring it to the binoculars that Roxy was using. “How are things?”

“Galahad, this is a mission, and it is all being recorded,” Roxy reminded him.

“I understand Lancelot, just passing the time,” he grinned a bit. “Just wanting to know that you are being kept...occupied in your free time.”

“Well occupied, and yourself?” 

“Really well occupied,” Eggsy’s grin widened. “Being occupied by people of a more...mature age is really great innit?”

“And what do we mean by mature?” The Morrigan’s voice crackled in his ear.

“Elegant age. I meant to say elegant age,” Eggsy course corrected quickly.

Roxy snickered a bit. “Morrigan, a third has arrived.”

“Noted,” she replied. “Is the deal going down?”

“No,” Eggsy answered.

“It will,” Roxy said.

Eggsy shook his head. “No, it won’t. This is a test for the new guy there, seeing what he’ll say, how he’ll react. No deal is going to happen tonight.”

“Are you sure?” Morrigan asked, and they could hear her typing.

“Yeah, I know this sort of shit, and trust me, we got some power dynamics at play here and that is all.”

“Well, I hope they remember their safe word,” Morrigan replied, and Eggsy bit back a laugh. First time he had ever heard her make a joke, and it was a pretty good one. “Observe and then dismissed.”

“Understood,” Roxy replied. They tapped off, and kept watching. Eggsy was relieved he guess right, and an hour later it was all over, no deal happening yet. They returned all their equipment to dressing room three. “Drink?” she asked. “Talk about people of an elegant age?”

“Fuck, yeah,” Eggsy agreed. They both left their glasses in the change room, and headed to a bar a bit away from Kingsman that they liked to unwind at. It was halfway between pub and club, modern but not too much. Decent dancing if you wanted it, but upstairs conversation could be had.

They both grabbed martinis at the bar and went upstairs, and lucked out that their favourite couch was open. “So partners of an elegant age,” Eggsy said. “And if Merlin ever found out I called him that, he would laugh his arse off at me.”

“It is a nice phrase I think,” Roxy replied.

“He’d call me a tit for saying it,” Eggsy promised, and clinked his martini to hers. “Say he was old and doesn’t have a problem with it, and if I did, I could go find myself a boytoy. Like I could go back to shagging someone my own age. Fuck, Roxy, older partners are the fucking best.”

“I swear, I was good at sex Eggsy, but wow, just wow,” Roxy agreed. “Stamina.”

“Do you know how good it is to be with a bloke who doesn’t just pop off?” Eggsy sighed dreamily. “Some nights he gets me off a couple times before he goes, just spectacular.”

“Eggsy, I think she does tongue exercises, because it is nimble.” Roxy leaned against him. “I believe in god again because of that tongue.”

“It’s the variety too?” Eggsy said. “Because he just can tell when I need it slow, or need it rough. They have like...sex forecasting, know which way the wind is blowing.”

“She listens, Eggsy. No, trust me, you’ll like it if you just give it a chance. I say I’m not feeling something, even something I was into a week ago, it is done.” Roxy finished her martini, and flagged down a waitress to get them another round. “Also zero blushing and stammering about sex toys. Just a, hey you want me to use a strap on tonight?”

“He ain’t a toy guy,” Eggsy said. “Like there are a couple, but he is more about the tactile, he wants his hands and mouth on me. Does like tying me up with my ties though. And blindfolds, he digs blindfolding me, and fuck if I don’t love it to - Sebastian!” Eggsy smiled.

“Your boyfriend’s name is Merlin, how strong was your martini in comparison to mine.” Roxy looked at her glass and then looked up. “Wow.”

“Yeah, I know,” Eggsy said. Sebastian was fine as fuck, and Eggsy was praying he hadn’t overheard anything. “Hi, Sebastian. How are you? Shouldn’t you be at home with Merlin?”

“No, told him I felt like a London hookup, and he recommended this bar for finding a decent bloke.”

“He did what now?” Eggsy sat up a bit. “You did not say that to your uncle.”

“Of course I did. Who do you think taught me about sex?” Sebastian looked at Roxy. “Ma’am, it is my pleasure to meet you.”

Roxy giggled for a moment, and then flushed. “Sorry, Hi. I’m Roxy, Eggsy and I work together.” 

Eggsy watched them shake hands, and Sebastian paused a little bit but then smiled. “You work together at Kingsman?” Sebastian asked.

“I’m in marketing, he is in purchasing.”

“Eggsy travels a lot, Uncle Merlin has mentioned. Is marketing equally taxing?”

“When it is the holidays, so we are releasing a particular new line, it can be. Mostly it is me slogging on photoshop.” Roxy gestured. “Would you like to join us?”

“Nae, it would interrupt Eggsy talking about my uncle’s dick, and he seemed to be having fun. And while Uncle Merlin and I have several open lines of communication and he has been a guiding hand in me working through everything, I don’t actually want to know details. And there is a charming barrister who wants to buy me another drink.”

Eggsy couldn’t help himself, “No you buy your own drink and keep an eye on it. Lawyers are the fucking worst. You got lube and condoms?”

“Yes, mum, Uncle Merlin stocked me and gave me lectures before I left.” Sebastian leaned down, and kissed Eggsy’s cheek. “See you tomorrow.”

“Why am I seeing you tomorrow?” Eggsy called after him, but Sebastian was already winding his way to the bar. Eggsy pulled out his phone and took a photo of the man chatting Sebastian up. He sent it to the Morrigan // _ run the guy in the cheap suit. I’ll do mine and Bors’s action reports// _

“Oh my god, you are taking care of the baby gay like he is not even 3 years younger than you? Because he’s family.”

“Shut it,” Eggsy pushed her. He wished it stopped her laughing but she was still giggling. Eggsy kept an eye on the couple at the bar. Sebastian leaned into the barrister and the barrister flushed at whatever he said.

**He’s clean.**

_ Thanks, owe you. _

**You do.**

And he knew the Morrigan would demand her due, but he relaxed a little. He almost followed after when Sebastian and the man disappeared, but Sebastian was an adult. Sure a little sheltered, from what he understood of the family but it was fine.

“Conversation ruined for you?” Roxy asked.

“Let’s go get a slice of pizza,” Eggsy decided. “He’ll be fine right?”

“Because you didn’t go on the pull what 2 years ago?” Roxy punched him. “Eggsy, he’s fine.”

“Of course,” Eggsy groaned. “He’s just Merlin’s favourite, and Merlin would be bummed if he got murdered.” They walked out of the club and saw the two get in a cab. “Huh, would have thought they’d be gone by now.”

“Probably stopped to kiss.”

“Yeah, they looked fine.” Eggsy watched the car drive away. They slid into the Kingsman car waiting for them. “Timothy, follow that cab.”

“Oh my god. Never have children, you would be the worst helicopter parent ever.”

“I just want to know his end destination, then we’ll get that pizza.”

“Fine,” Roxy sighed and nodded to their driver. They followed the cab to a decent neighbourhood, and Eggsy made note of the address. “Are we staying?”

“No,” Eggsy said. “That’d be crazy. Stalking a man I just met this morning, because he is my partner’s nephew and I don’t want anything to happen to him during his visit, because it would upset Merlin, is perfectly sane behaviour.”

“Please tell me you’ve told Merlin you love him, and are going to marry him,” Roxy said

“No we aren’t there yet.”

Roxy gestured to the house. “Yeah, I think you are there.”

“Sir, nobility in a Kingsman is a good thing, but this might be viewed as a breach of privacy.” 

Eggsy looked at Roxy and the driver, and sighed. “You are right.”

“We are not leaving, sir, are we?”

“Fuck no,” Eggsy snorted. “Where are the heat signature glasses?” Roxy handed him them from the door. “No that would be rude me watching their signatures shag. You do it.”

“I really fucking hate you. I could be in bed with Joanna, right now.” Roxy was almost whining but put on the glasses. “Two signatures, no three.”

“Surprise threeway, nu-uh,” Eggsy said and reached for the door, but Timothy engaged the locks.

“Eggsy, the third signature is a pet, on a different floor of the house.” Roxy was watching. “They’ve paused.” The three sat in the car and waited. “Oh. wait. One signature is walking away.”

“What?”

“Someone is storming out of the house.”

“Bugger. Timothy, unlock the car before I tear the door off. That’s an order!” Eggsy pulled at the handle.

“Sir,” Timothy quickly replied, and the door was unlocked. Eggsy ran out of the car, and was hurrying to the door when Sebastian came out.

“Right, he’s dead,” Eggsy said. He moved to Sebastian. “Where are you hurt, do you need a hospital?”

“Eggsy?”

“Yeah, hun, it’s me. Do you need a hospital?”

“No, why would I need a hospital?” Sebastian looked at him. “Do you live around here?”

“Not really. Ummm, Roxy does, and we were just headed to her place to...get drunk. Bar has miserable prices.”

“You followed me.”

“No,” Eggsy laughed. “No, driving Roxy home.”

“I need food.”

“We were thinking of getting pizza.”

“I thought you were headed to Roxy’s house.”

“After getting pizza,” Eggsy said. “What matters now, is are you okay?”

“Aye. Well you can take me for pizza before you drop me back at Mer’s.”

Eggsy guided Sebastian to the car and put him in the front with Timothy. “To the pizza place we were headed to, please.”

“Of course, sir,” Timothy gave him a look in the mirror, and Eggsy tried to smile.

“Are you okay, Sebastian?” Roxy asked, in her gentle tone, that had gotten more than one person to confess all manner of things.

“Of course, look he was handsome, but I have standards, no matter how much I am in the mood for a shag.”

“And he wanted you to do something you were uncomfortable with,” Eggsy nodded. He was dealing with this shit head later.

“No, I’m pretty open on that front. But somethings, Eggsy, some things are not to be borne.”

“What was the problem?”

“He had in his home, on his bloody bedroom wall, a picture of his family - with Margaret Thatcher.” Sebastian was almost snarling, and sounded exactly like Merlin. “I cannae shag a bloke with that on his wall.”

“That seems...if it was just a one off shag, does that matter?” Roxy asked.

“Does that matter?” Sebastian looked at her with horror and disgust, and Eggsy was kind of there with him. 

“I don’t, I mean she was bad, but -” Roxy bit her lip. “I’m sorry.” Eggsy felt almost bad for her the way the three of them were glaring at her.

“Oh, you are rich, aren’t  you?” Sebastian shook his head. “I am sorry about that.” He shrugged. “Look, I get it Thatcher didn’t fuck you over. Your family may objectively know she was bad and laid the groundwork for fucking up things for decades, but it didn’t really impact yours. It impacted us though. She was murder on unions, poor folk, anyone that wasn’t rich. My grandfather? Not the rubbish one burning in hell, the other one. Completely fucked out of his pension and job because of Thatcher changes. It killed him. Left the family with no supports. A bloke has Thatcher’s picture on his wall? In his fucking bedroom? Ain’t shagging him no matter how good his cock looked.”

“Damn fucking straight,” Eggsy held out a fist, and Sebastian bumped it. “Guess you got the never fuck a Tory lesson from Merlin, huh?”

“No, that one I figured out on my own.” 

“Pizza,” Timothy said.

Eggsy smiled when Sebastian insisted that the man join them, and Eggsy was pretty sure it was the best 1am pizza he had ever had. Sebastian was great, and he could see why he was Merlin’s favourite. He was gorgeous and sweet, and his smile reminded Eggsy of Merlin, even though he had never seen the man grin that big.

They were kicked out at 2:30, and Timothy drove Roxy home first, then headed to Merlin’s to drop Sebastian off.

“He won’t admit it, but he would love it if you were in London,” Eggsy said.

“I am considering it. I want to be away for a bit, but a life without family would be very odd. But I need to be able to live my own life,” Sebastian said, and Eggsy winced.

“I am sorry about following you. I was just worried. London isn’t like -”

“Glasgow? We’re not from the country Eggsy.”

“I know, I know. I cocked up.” Eggsy shrugged. “I was always the worrier of my friends. Took the heat from the filth to keep them safe. And you matter to Merlin. So you are going to matter to me. Was a bit wound up from work, and it translated to me being a dick. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, it was sort of sweet, you ready to kill the bloke, after meeting me once. Fits what Uncle Merlin has told us about you.” Eggsy didn’t like the smile Sebastian gave him, and opened his mouth. “Nae, I’m not telling you what he has said to us.”

“A hint.”

“Nope. Consider that your penance for the following me.”

Eggsy rolled his eyes, and they arrived at Merlin’s. “Have a good night.”

“Not really we have an appointment 9. That was a fucking mistake.” Sebastian frowned, “Well aren’t you coming?”

“I should head home,” Eggsy tried to say, and Sebastian dragged him out of the car. He looked to Timothy who just smiled and drove away. “He is going to be pissed that I just walk in.”

“He is pissed about everything, and it is stupid for you to go home, when there is a good bed right in there.” Sebastian let himself in. “Night, Eggsy, tomorrow should be interesting.” Sebastian went to the guest room, and Eggsy went to Merlin’s.

He opened the door quietly, and stripped down to his pants. “Merlin?”

“Bwa.”

“Merlin, it’s Eggsy, I’m going to crawl into bed, don’t kill me.”

“Booty call?” Merlin was barely awake.

“No, just ended up at the same bar as Sebastian. He insisted I come here.”

“K. Start playing with my dick if you want to shag. I don’t mind if I sleep through it,” Merlin said, and a moment later was snoring again. For a moment, Eggsy debated, but he yawned and was asleep soon after.

Morning came far too early, and Eggsy was on his third cup of coffee. “You have an early meeting or something? Thought today was your day off?” 

“It is, but I have a gift I want to give Sebastian, and it requires an appointment. We’re headed in the same direction as you,” Merlin said and Eggsy sort of nodded. He had some trousers and shirts in Merlin’s wardrobe so was able to change there.

They walked to the tube and were all silent, reading on their phones. Eggsy was barely paying attention, until he realized they were on the street the shop was on. “You two dropping me off, before you head your way?”

He did not like the look Sebastian was giving him.

He really didn’t like that they were walking up the stairs to Kingsman.

He really fucking didn’t like that Harry was standing there with Andrew, and smiled at them all.

He really, really fucking did not like Harry saying, “Excellent, welcome to Kingsman. I am the owner, Harry Hart, and I understand that we are outfitting Sebastian Brays for a jacket.”

“We are. A gift to my nephew for interviews and the like,” Merlin went over and held out his hand. “Merlin Brays, Eggsy has spoken of you.”

“And of you. Well, shall we make some choices?” Harry guided Merlin to the fabric book, and Eggsy just stood there, sort of numb.

“Aye, he wanted to meet the Harry that you talk of, see where you work, since you are at the library so often,” Sebastian clapped a hand on Eggsy’s shoulder. “Surprise!”

Andrew came over to him, and Eggsy knew he gave a helpless look. “The Morrigan thought you might need these.” 

Eggsy put on the glasses and Morrigan’s laughter filled his ear. 

Merlin was meeting Harry. 

He fucking hated surprises.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am sorry, okay but this is where the story is taking us

Harry was interesting, he matched what Eggsy had said, but also not. Eggsy spoke of Harry as a gentleman, who trained him, what almost a father figure. Merlin had walked in expecting a very specific sort of man.

He wondered if Eggsy didn’t see it, did and pretended he didn’t, or did and just lied about it.

Merlin watched as Harry and Sebastian discussed fabric and cut. Sebastian knew a bit, because of Fergus’s obsession with clothes, and sewing hobby, but he also saw Sebastian shift his weight away from Harry whenever Harry moved close.

Sebastian didn’t remember his grandfather at the height of his strength, but from what he could understand towards the end the bastard had just been a miserable ball of rage and anger, and hadn’t cared who had been in his path. His brothers and sisters had done their best to protect their kids, but since Mum had refused to kick him out, and they wanted to Mum, the kids knew.

They knew people who were dangerous, and in a blink could turn from calm to violence.

It was coiled in Harry, but it was there.

That man was no gentleman.

“Merlin, what do you think?” Harry smiled, and Merlin went over.

“It is fabric,” Merlin replied after a moment. He looked at the four swatches on the page. “Are they different?”

Sebastian sighed. “Aye,” he said, pointed, “This one.”

“Okay,” Merlin agreed easily.

“We do offer a payment plan,” Harry smiled, and Merlin smiled back.

Neither smile was soft or gentle.

“I’ve been taking advantage of double coupon day, I can manage the cost of this,” Merlin said. “But thank you for your consideration.”

“Anything for Eggsy,” Harry said.

“Tell me, are you decent at cutting fabric, considering you have only one eye? Depth perception must be a bugger. Hate for a slightly crooked hem for my boy.”

“Jesus, Merlin,” Eggsy snapped. “Rude?”

“You are right, it can be difficult,” Harry agreed. “Andrew will do the measuring and cutting. I am here as a consultant, I am still the best at recognizing what would look good on handsome men, even with one eye.”

If there had been even a hint of flirtation in his voice, Merlin would have gutted him right there. “Well, I am glad of your eye, aiding my nephew.”

“Sir, if you come with me, we will get your measurements,” Andrew interjected, and Merlin gave Sebastian a small nod, when he looked over. The two disappeared into a dressing room.

“Tea?” Harry suggested. “Perhaps I can convince you to avail yourself of our services, put you in trousers that have the correct break for your legs.”

“Tea sounds lovely, though I am fine with my clothes as they are.”

“Really? Well isn’t that lovely,” Harry said, and took them to his office.

“What the fuck is going on?” Eggsy asked them. “You are both being weird.”

Merlin didn’t take his eyes off of Harry. “I’m always weird.”

“Sure, but come on.” Eggsy was frowning. Merlin didn’t like it. “You are being extra you.”

“I know,” Merlin replied. He took a breath, maybe he was reading the man wrong. He relaxed his shoulders and held out his hand. “Harry, it is a pleasure to meet you, Eggsy is quite fond of you, I hear about you regularly.”

Harry shook his hand. “Trust me, not as much as I have been hearing about you,” he smiled and it was a softer one, more like the gentleman he was pretending to be.

He had calluses in the same spots as Eggsy.

The conversation was much less pointed after that and forty five minutes later Sebastian joined them. “All done,” he said. “Andrew was a proper gentleman,” he smiled and Merlin choked back a laugh. That was delightfully passive aggressive. “Said it would be ready in a couple weeks, and although they prefer a fitting, they’ll allow ye to pick it up Uncle Merlin. Since I won’t be back for a couple more months.”

“I am glad we were able to see you well appointed, Sebastian,” Harry said. “What are your plans for the rest of the day?”

“Maybe go to Buckingham, spit on the gates,” Sebastian replied.

Merlin enjoyed the moment of disgust that passed over Harry’s face before he smoothed his features. Oh but he was taking Sebastian out for something nice. “Or we were going to go to the British Library, look at the exhibits,” Merlin replied. “I know some people, we get to play in the fun rooms.”

“If you know people why don’t you see about a job there?” Harry asked. “I would imagine they’d put you in a back room, never have to bother with people. Eggsy has me believing you hate people.”

“Only people worthy of dislike,” Merlin looked Harry dead on as he said that. “Thank you, Harry. This has been a most interesting morning.”

“It has indeed.”

“I’ll see you out,” Eggsy said. Merlin let Eggsy guide him out, and Sebastian moved away pretending to look at the windows next door. “What the shit was that shit, Merlin?”

Merlin looked at Eggsy. He nodded a bit, Eggsy knew exactly the sort of man Harry was under the tissue thin gentleman veneer. “We were just getting the measure of each other.”

“You were a dick.”

“And he wasn’t?”

“He was a bloody gentleman,” Eggsy growled. “He offered to help you out, because we do not have a fucking payment plan. A nice gesture.”

“It was an insult,” Merlin replied, “And you would see it as such if anyone else had said that to you in that manner.”

“It wasn’t,” Eggsy protested. “I can’t believe you. I know you hate people, but you came in there ready to hate one of the most important people in the world to me, after I’ve been nothing but nice to Sebastian? Get the fucking chip off your shoulder,” Eggsy glared at him.

Merlin nodded. “Very well,” he agreed. “I’ll see you later, Eggsy.”

“We aren’t done.”

“For the moment, I do believe we are,” Merlin replied. “Are you joining Sebastian and I for dinner tonight?”

“No, not with this attitude you have.”

“Have a good day then,” Merlin said, and walked away. Eggsy’s angry glare was hot against his spine, but he kept walking. Sebastian fell in beside him.

“Roxy said she was in marketing,” Sebastian commented, “Her hands have the same rough spots as Harry, and Eggsy.” Merlin made a noise in his throat. “Uncle Merlin, they are all lying through their fucking teeth.”

“I know.”

“If Uncle Cull and Auntie Ur find out…”

“We aren’t telling them, not yet. We don’t need the whole family descending on London and dismantling a tailor shop with their bare hands.”

“He is hurting your heart. But he is a good man. I don’t understand it.” Sebastian looked at his uncle, “What are you going to do?”

“Continue collecting more data, live with the lies, until I can’t, and then we’ll go from there.”

“Harry is a monster, that is clear, but he isn’t hurting Eggsy. He does love him,” Sebastian reassured. “It was clear as day.”

Merlin felt himself relax. “I couldn’t tell. My reading of such is so skewed by Da.”

“Fucking psych minor was a pain in the arse but occasionally handy.”

“Could you figure out why he hated me? Why we hated him is easy enough.”

“No, I think it is a mix of a million things that won’t make sense, unless we know the truth of whatever else is going on there.”

“You cannot tell any of the family about this,” Merlin looked at his nephew. “I love him, and they will panic, if you tell them this and interfere.”

“What if what you love isn’t real?”

“I’ll deal with that when I have to, and that day is not today Sebastian.” He cupped his nephew’s neck. “Sebastian, he is lying to me everyday. I know it, and right now I am choosing to accept it.”

“You get tested every quarter, and if lays a single hand on you, then you fucking come home, and I’ll kill him myself.”

Sebastian had grown up wonderfully, Merlin thought. “No, my heart, those are not the ways he will break me,” Merlin reassured. “But I promise. Now, what shall we do with our day?”

“Let’s go to the Tower, I like to see where royalty died.”

“I do as well,” Merlin agreed, and they went to play tourist.

Merlin and Eggsy didn’t really talk for the rest of Sebastian’s visit, Eggsy turning down the few invitations that Merlin sent him. He didn’t really expect less. Merlin went to work and it was Michelle there with Daisy. That one stung a bit. “Hello,” he said. “I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“Eggsy had a quick business trip. Something about antique buttons,” she rolled her eyes a bit. “I swear Harry sends him on the wildest goose chases sometimes. But nice to see you, now that you are dating my boy.”

Merlin looked at her. “Oh, are we talking about that?”

Michelle snorted. “No, god no.”

Merlin felt relieved. “Good.” He looked at Daisy. “Does she like footie?”

“She does, though she doesn’t have the coordination yet for an actual team.”

“I play in a park, everyone always has children and grandchildren, and they play their own little free for all game. Perhaps that could benefit her?”

“Thank you,” Michelle smiled. “Where, when? She needs more interaction with kids before she starts school.”

Merlin gave her the information, and gave Daisy an extra growl and hug before she left. He sent a text to Eggsy, who hadn’t told him he was travelling. Eggsy always mentioned when he was going to be away.

Merlin wondered if he was being ghosted. He had learned the term from Liam. He didn’t care for it.

He was particularly vicious on the pitch and Sean kept giving him worried looks. “Mate, are you alright?” He asked when they switched off with a couple other blokes.

“Dating is confusing.”

“Especially because you are rubbish at it?”

“Yes,” Merlin looked at him. “I think we fought. And his cool off period is going long enough, I do believe I am being ghosted.”

“Did you apologize at all?”

“I do not think I was at fault?”

“Would I think you are at fault? That is a better guide than your own mind,” Sean waited.

Merlin thought about it. “Hmm,” he agreed. He sent a quick apology to Eggsy’s phone. When he looked up he smiled. “Excellent, they came. Come on, you can give them the lay of the land.” Merlin dragged Sean along with him. “Michelle, Daisy, I am glad you could come.”

“Rrroar!” Daisy shouted and Merlin growled back. She leapt and he caught her easily.

“Sean, this is Eggsy’s Mum, Michelle, and his little sister Daisy. Daisy is having some trouble with coordination, thought it might help her to join the kids group.”

“Good thinking,” Sean agreed.

“Michelle this is Sean, a good friend, and ex. But don’t worry he is bi, and you two have a lot in common.” Merlin smiled. “Daisy, come on, I’ll toss you into the kid pile, while they get to know each other.” He took Daisy to the other kids who were playing footie, sort of, mostly just running around. “Newbie!” he shouted and tossed Daisy lightly in the air towards the kids. “Play nice, or I’ll eat you up.”

There, he had done his good dead for the month. He ran back onto the pitch and headbutted the ball into next week. Soon Sean was running next to him. “Merlin,” he said. “What the fuck?”

“She is pretty. You are lonely.”

“I despise you.”

“Of course,” Merlin said, and they finished out the game. At the end, he saw that Eggsy was standing with Michelle and went over. “Hello.”

“Hiya,” Eggsy shrugged. He was in pretty beat up denim and a vest. He looked so damn good. “You busy?”

“No,” Merlin replied. He looked at Sean, “You’ll take care of Michelle and Daisy?” Daisy was still playing with the other children.

“I can take care of myself,” Michelle pointed out.

“Yes but you are pretty, and we play with jackals. Sean is a gentleman.” Merlin smiled at Sean. “Aren’t you?”

Sean sighed, “Go on then, I’ll keep the jackals at bay.”

“I am fine,” Michelle repeated.

“Yeah, but he’ll be an annoying pissant if I don’t pretend to hover and keep you safe,” Sean said. “So once he leaves, I’ll leave too, but until then we’ll act like we’ll listen and appreciate his interference in our lives.”

“I understand. Thank you so much for looking after me, Merlin.”

“Of course,” Merlin nodded and started walking, Eggsy falling in beside him. “Now Sean will bitch about me, and Michelle will say I can’t be that bad if you are dating me, and that will get a conversation going.”

“Are you hooking my mum up?”

“No, I am hooking Sean up, it just happens to be with your mother.”

“Your ex, with my mum. You don’t see that as odd?”

Merlin thought about it. “No.”

“Sure, then, whatever,” Eggsy said. “Are we still dating?”

“I thought we were.” Merlin looked at him. “Aren’t we?”

“You were an arse.”

“So was he.” Merlin waited for Eggsy to defend Harry, and for it all to start over again.

“He was,” Eggsy admitted. “I think it was testing you?”

“Why?”

“Fuck if I know, he got all defensive. But I think he meant to give you the shovel talk and then it just all went south.” 

They were at Merlin’s car, and just sort of hovered there. “I am sorry, for putting you in an awkward way,” Merlin said.

“I think you two could get along, if you ditched whatever bullshit that was.”

Merlin, looked back at the pitch and for their talk of going their way after Merlin left, Sean and Michelle were still chatting. “How was the emergency trip?”

“Sorry I didn’t tell you I was going, but huge auction came up, big manufacturer shutting down. Harry is stocked for thread for a year.”

Thread, not the buttons Michelle said. Perhaps it had been both. He looked at Eggsy who had shadows under his eyes. His hair was also a little floppier than it usually was. He watched Eggsy run his hands through it, and briefly three stitches in his scalp were visible before the hair covered it again.

Merlin bit his lip. It was the moment he had not been looking forward to. He either had to live with the lies, or not. “Come home with me?”

“I’d like that. I’m knackered, but been missing you. Sorry I just...shut down?”

“We’re good,” Merlin promised. They went to his house and he fucked all the wired out of Eggsy. When Eggsy was snoring, Merlin had a shower and went to put together something that could simmer for a few hours.

He picked up his phone. Seb was the one who knew the most, but he was a nephew, this wasn’t for him.

_ He’s going to break my heart, and I’m goint to let him. _

_ going* _ He bloody hated typos.

**You colossal twit** .

Merlin smiled and waited.

**We’ll put you back together, when you need it. Should you need it. Don’t ducking mean it.**

**Fucking* text I swear to god when did I ever mean ducking?**

Merlin had to swallow what would have been a too loud laugh that would have woken Eggsy. When Eggsy woke up screaming, Merlin pretend to believe him when he said it was a nightmare about Nando’s closing.

  
  



	10. Chapter 10

“Morrigan?” Eggsy went into her office. He had been in her office a lot this week, but generally turned around and left. She was either busy, or gave him that ‘don’t waste my time look,’ and he walked back out. The thing was, he wasn’t going to waste her time, this was important. But he would waste her time getting around to asking the thing that wasn’t a waste of time. So it had taken five days before he finally said her name. “May I ask you a favour?”

“Personal, or work?” she asked, not looking away from her computer screen.

“Work, and personal?” he replied. “Work to benefit personal?”

She turned around in her chair. “What do you need, Galahad?” 

Jesus, she had even put her work to sleep to focus on him. Her stare was as calm and neutral as ever, and he could feel sweat building at the bottom of his spine. “I need to be a better liar.”

“You were adequate on tests, though not as smooth as Roxy. Little mistakes, most people would not catch. Only been one instance you were caught out on the job. And that mission was still classified as a win.” Her stare had gone from neutral to interested. “So why do you need to better?”

“Because we should always try to be better?” He tried to smile and not shake, because somehow her face barely moved but all neutrality and the hint of positive feeling was gone. “Sorry, ma’am,” he said quickly. “I know you hate joking about.”

“Lives are always in my hands, Galahad. I like jokes when I am not trusted with them. I have a ripping knock knock that gets them every time.”

“Bet it is hilarious. I know I’ve slipped up with Merlin,” Eggsy admitted. “Or I am sure I have. With Mum or the guys, they don’t catch tiny mistakes. But Merlin? He listens so fucking close, like I am important. And sure I have messed up. I need to do better.” Eggsy looked at her. “What happens if I mess up too much? I’ve been trying to research, but not a lot of information on people who figure out someone is a Kingsman.”

“It has happened a few times. And there have been different responses,” Morrgian turned a typed a bit. Files appeared on her screens. “In the last twenty years there have been four instances of people figuring out, or finding the Kingsman. One was killed, one’s memory wiped, one was quite effectively bribed, and one was brought in.”

Eggsy froze a bit. “Wait, that would be perfect! What if we brought him in? Because you are always saying you need a better research department. He’d be brilliant in there. Morrigan this could be the answer to the problem.” He felt a huge weight starting to slide off his shoulders.

“I did a feasibility study of bringing Merlin Brays into the support staff side of Kingsman. I ran a few simulations, did some work, and ultimately declared it a poor idea, and that he was an unsuitable candidate for working here.”

“Wait? Why? He’d be perfect. When did you do this, when he and I first started dating, last week?”

“Eighteen years ago,” she replied.

“He was on your radar then? How?” 

“My masters is dedicated to him,” Morrigan replied, and just watched him. It took him a moment. And Eggsy had to sit down.

“You are one of the four?”

“I am,” she said. “How do you feel, Galahad, that we’ve been to bed with the same man?”

Eggsy thought about it. “Eh, he never got hard for you, no matter how banging hot you are, and oh god I did not just say that to you, please let me make sure my will is in order before you murder me - everything is for Daisy.” He closed his eyes, and waited for death.

“I do have a banging body,” she agreed. “And Roxy bangs it on the regular.”

“Wow, you aren’t in charge in bed?”

“If you had Roxy in your bed, who would be in charge?”

“Fair,” he opened his eyes. “Are we bonding right now, is this us bonding?” She smiled at him, and it wasn’t that I am going to murder you smile, it was a real smile. Okay, yeah, he absolutely saw how Roxy fell in love. “Maybe you aren’t so scary.”

“No, I could still make you piss yourself in fear, but people that person would gain me nothing with you. You work better with people you can feel loyal to, and I am realizing that perhaps with newer agents, a little loosening of personality will not cause the world to shatter.”

“Because the old blokes, hated that their lives were in a woman’s hands.”

“Most did,” Morrigan agreed. “Percival and Bors were fine.”

“Harry too,” Eggsy added. The air felt heavy in the room. “Harry too?”

“He...adjusted.”

“But -” Eggsy sighed. He fucking loved Harry, but yeah, he could understand. “He objectively can talk good about equality, but the silver spoon shines out sometimes.”

“My parents are decidedly middle class, the horror,” she joked, and he smiled sadly, because he got it. “With you and Lancelot, I can loosen my manner a little.”

“Why isn’t he feasible, Morrigan? I thought he’d be perfect.”

“His skills would be, he can find information and resources like few people can,” she agreed. “But, his personality would not.”

“Because he is a grumpy bastard?” Eggsy frowned. “I once saw one of the R&D guys scream at Kay for 45 minutes until the agent wept. Your staff are cranky people.”

“He is too good a man, to work for Kingsman.”  She shrugged, “He also has ptsd, though it has improved greatly since he returned to the family fold, which my analysis suggested would happen, and that is also one of the biggest reasons he would be a poor fit for the job. Because he cannot lie to them. Best case scenario was he quit after a year, more likely had a heart attack within two, or I had to kill him within 3 for spilling secrets unintentionally.”

Eggsy felt a bit hollow. “Oh, is that all?”

“No,” she replied, and fuck The fucking Morrigan was looking at him with sympathy. Whatever she was going to say next was going to hurt. “Galahad, you can never tell him that you are a spy.”

“But at some point? I am sure at some point Bors told his wife? Partner...he wears a wedding band.”

“She works in my department,” Morrigan said. “There are three married Kingsman, and their spouses all work in someway for Kingsman. You are the only person of the current table who is with a partner outside of Kingsman.”

“At some point there has to be trust?”

“No, there doesn’t, Galahad,” Morrgian reached out, and gave him a reassuring touch, which made him realize how dead serious she was. “Arthur is the only one who can change that rule. I just enforce it, Galahad, and I am sorry but I am a Kingsman - I will enforce it to the death.”

“His or mine?” Eggsy asked.

“That would be for Arthur to decide.”

“It would be his then,” Eggsy blinked, relieved the tears didn’t fall. “Morrigan, can you teach me to lie better?”

“What I can’t teach you, Percival can,” she promised. “Let’s begin with the lessons from your training, and go from there. Hello, I’m Jillian, it is a pleasure to meet you.” The lie of a name slid smoothly across her lips.

“Greg, and the pleasure is mine,” he gave as best a smile as he could, and was in her office for an hour before being sent on to Percival. He’d wait a day or two to talk to Harry.

***

“I am sorry, Galahad, we operate at the height of secrecy, and I cannot change that,” Harry sat behind his desk, in full Arthur mode, which he seldom did to Eggsy.

“You are Arthur, you can change that,” Eggsy begged.

“No, I cannot, not even for you,” Harry was so resolute. “If he knew, he would worry when you went out on a mission, that worry would translate to that absurdly huge family of his, and then how many know? And his worry would transfer back to you. Could you be effective on the job, if you knew he was worrying about you being shot at, versus you buying me a lovely linen?”

“What do I do?”

“Morrigan informed me that you are taking some lessons again, and that is good,” Harry offered a bit of praise, and it was ashes to Eggsy. “Continue that.”

“Yes, sir.”

“And consider...if this relationship is really worth the heartache that you’ll have to carry alone.”

“Fuck you,” Eggsy snapped. “I love him. I’ve loved him since I was bloody sixteen.”

“Then you will hurt, Galahad, as you are hurting today, for however long the relationship lasts. And if I may offer a bit of advice -”

“No,” Eggsy glared at his mentor, his compass, and realized in this Harry was dead wrong. “No fucking advice you have here would actually be about me, or my heart. So shove it.” He walked out, Harry calling after him.

He had never walked out on Harry before, and it felt like someone had taken his knees out. Hurt. But he couldn’t, Harry would tell him Kingsman were better alone, or if needed a relationship find someone in house. And he couldn’t. He was Merlin’s. There was no one else. He would just live with the fucking heartbreak then.  He had been broken most of his life, what fucking difference was there?

Eggsy went to the library, and found Merlin putting books away. “Hiya,” he said, and leaned against a shelf. “So....there is something I want to check out.” 

Merlin immediately stopped work, and looked at him. “What are you looking for?”

Eggsy slowly looked Merlin up and down. “Tall book, older book, grumpy book.” He grinned when Merlin snorted and flipped him off. “Also, looking for something to read Daisy, bit older but still really friendly to her. Kinda over Cinderella for the gazillionth time.”

“Hmmm, try the Princess in Black series,” Merlin suggested. 

“Thanks, I’ll go down and find it. Can I take you out to dinner tonight?”

“Done work at 6,” Merlin replied, and went back to putting books away. “What were you thinking?”

“Just a pub, couple pints and some greasy food would be good tonight.”

“Fair. See if they have pub trivia. I enjoy destroying people.”

“I bet you do,” Eggsy laughed a bit, and watched him work for a moment. He had always found Merlin restocking the shelves a soothing thing, his motions control, bringing order to his domain. “Merlin?”

“Busy, Eggsy.”

“I love you.”

“Thank you, I’ll see you at 6.”

Eggsy wondered if he should be upset that was Merlin’s reaction, but he wasn’t. God,that was just so perfectly him. “See you in a few hours.”

At 6 he was waiting outside the library, and watched Merlin walk towards him. Walking fast towards him; shit what had happened? Merlin looked grumpier than usual. Eggsy started to go to him, and then Merlin was right there, cupping his face. The kiss made Eggsy lose his breath, forget to think. It was an intense kiss, full of heat, and desperation, and they were making people move around them. Got cursed out for being in the way, and he didn’t give a fuck.

“What was that for?” Eggsy asked as they broke apart.

“I love you too,” Merlin replied.

“Oh, okay then,” Eggsy said, and pulled him back in for another hard kiss. “Think maybe we should do better than a pub, to celebrate?”

“Why? I want to win trivia,” Merlin complained. “It is fun to beat people.”

“Pub and trivia it is. Very romantic.”

“Exactly,” Merlin said.

Eggsy didn’t take his hand, they just walked side by side, and yeah it was pretty romantic when they won the trivia game.


	11. Chapter 11

“I feel I must warn you, that tomorrow night I might be cranky. I would suggest we spend the night apart,” Merlin told Eggsy over dinner. He waited for Eggsy to respond, but he was sort of staring at him. “Eggsy?”

“The cognitive dissonance you just created there. You are warning me that you’ll be cranky. I want you to think about that babe.”

“I am grumpy, not cranky. There is a difference.”

“There is?”

Merlin just flipped him off, and ate some more pad thai. “Overnight tonight they are upgrading all our software. Means tomorrow I am likely the only person who will be able to use the computers. They’ll have an IT specialist in to help people. But that means I will likely have to listen to things I could intuit. We are even opening two hours late because of this.”

Merlin could tell Eggsy was trying not to laugh. “Maybe it won’t be that bad,” Eggsy offered.

“It will,” Merlin’s voice was dark, almost betrayed by the universe itself. “But day after?”

“No I have to head out for a quick jaunt. Harry needs -”

“Something that is obscure and if not obtained quickly will never be seen on the market again?” Merlin filled in.

“Just about,” Eggsy agreed.

“That happens a lot,” Merlin looked at him. The lies had been smoother, more controlled, over the last few weeks, but once the tells had been seen, he couldn’t unsee them. God he wished he could. It would make everything so much easier. “I had never thought working for a tailor required so much travel.”

“Harry’s been having me do a little more,” Eggsy explained. “We have clients the world over. He is starting me on making them presentations, seeing to their needs. Sometimes bringing suits to them.”

“So buyer, and now delivery man.”

“Yeah, sounds like shit but it is actually a promotion,” Eggsy smiled at him. “But means bit more travel right now. Should smooth out in a couple months. Harry promised once busy season was done, have two months where my arse doesn’t leave the city.”

“That would be nice,” Merlin smiled at him. “I have a great deal of vacation time, we could do something?”

“That’d be brilliant,” Eggsy had finished eating and cleared his plate. 

Merlin watched him grab another beer. He had been averaging one addition drink a night recently. “Eggsy?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t like when people have more than two drinks around me,” Merlin had to admit. He waited for Eggsy to make an excuse, to cajole, but instead Eggsy poured the just opened beer down the drain.

“You should have said,” Eggsy put the bottle in recycling.

“I dislike confrontation.”

“You are the most confrontational person I know.”

“Over late books, over anything out in the world. This isn’t the world,” Merlin replied. “This isn’t an annoying patron. This is someone I love.”

“Merlin, can I ask, do you have ptsd?”

“Probably,” Merlin shrugged. “Never bothered looking into it.”

“Is that healthy?”

“Is a consistent increase to a third drink to deal with your travel time having been doubled in the last few weeks, ever since you said you loved me, healthy?”

“Wot, you think Harry is manufacturing bullshit trips, just to keep us apart because you two had a pissing contest three months ago?”

“Is he?” Merlin replied. He couldn’t finish his dinner. He got up, and scraped the remains into the rubbish bin. “Eggsy, this is not a busy time for fashion generally, I researched it.”

“We’re a tailor shop, don’t quite match up with fashion week or nothing. Just how it goes sometimes. Harry wouldn’t do that, swear down. It sucks I’ve been on the road more, but that just how life is right now. Promise soon I’ll be around so much, you’ll get sick of me, just like you do everyone else.”

Merlin frowned. “Eggsy, I don’t get sick of you.”

“Yeah, because I’ve been travelling, not worn out my welcome,” he joked, but there was something in his voice.

“Eggsy, have I not made it clear. I said I love you.” To Merlin it was obvious.

“Yeah, I know, and I love you.”

Merlin moved closer. “Eggsy, if I say I love you, which I’ve said to two other boyfriends, it means that I cannae get sick of you. I want you around always. I will not get sick of you. I long for your when you aren’t next to me.”

“Bullshit romantic twaddle you read in a book.”

“I find shapes in the fucking toothpaste stains you leave in my sink. I sing Elton John songs when you are away because you are always doing so, and I’ve gotten used to the sound of them, even though I don’t particularly like Elton John. I have the first hour of My Fair Lady memorized, and in fact spent a fucking fortune getting us box seats for the revival for your birthday. Because I want to see you happy. Because I love you, and that means you get everything, every part of me. Eggsy I cannae get sick of you anymore than I could get sick of books.”

“Harry didn’t send me on all the extra trips. Well, some of them, but I picked up a couple meant for other people because I didn’t want you....I didn’t want to annoy you.”

Merlin felt his heart crack. “Eggsy, you won’t.” That was a bit far. “Correction, you will annoy me, because all of humanity does on a fundamental level, but your annoying is a thing I welcome.”

“Sean one of the others you said I love you to?”

“He is, and Malec. He is currently in the antarctic. A scientist. You’ll like him. If he ever comes to England. Hasn’t been back in...twenty years. Fuck. Okay maybe you won’t like him; well you would like him, you’ll just likely never meet him. We skype when he needs help with his research.” Merlin went and pulled Eggsy into a hug. “You don’t have to run away, scared you aren’t wanted. Even if we don’t work out, you can be sure that I will always love you.”

“Please don’t break out into Dolly Parton right now,” Eggsy whispered, and curled into Merlin.

Merlin kissed his head. “Promise. Let’s go upstairs, I’ll show you how much I love you.”

“Woo for a good dick down.”

“How dare you suggest it will only be ‘good’?” Merlin pretended insult. “It will be fucking spectacular.”

Merlin pulled him upstairs and undressed him slowly. He praised Eggsy as much as he could, though it was more talking than he generally did during sex. He touched Eggsy everywhere, kisses followed fingers and he brought Eggsy off twice before he actually slid into Eggsy, who was almost shivering, over sensitive but wanting more. The third orgasm almost broke Eggsy, it was clear, but Merlin held him together. He cleaned them both up, and carried Eggsy downstairs so they could eat some biscuits and watch a bit of telly. Merlin really hated crumbs in bed. They fell asleep on the sofa, exhausted from sex, from emotion, from how much travelling Eggsy had been doing.

In the morning, Merlin was running late, but he didn’t particularly care, it would take him five minutes to learn the updates. He walked into the library and ignored the glares from his boss, and settled into the back of the room. The IT person still had their first slide up - it was fine.

“Hello, Merlin,” she said, and Merlin properly looked at her.

“Hello, Johanna,” he greeted. “How have you been?”

“Well, thank you. You don’t need to be here, I trust that you’ll understand the system. But we’ll have lunch?”

“That sounds lovely,” Merlin lied. It didn’t sound horrible, just not particularly something he wanted to engage in. But if a lunch was the price of getting out of this meeting he was all for it. “I’ll be at my desk, find me after.” He went to his station, and sure enough the new system was easy to understand, and he settled into work. He thought about it, and decided he should text Eggsy. Sean’s relationship advice had really helped him grow.

_ Having lunch with someone I once fucked, that okay? _

**Why wouldn’t it be**

_ Not a clue, felt like something i should share? Or that if I didn’t sean would hit me at footie on fiday. _

_ *friday _

**Okay,  fair. Nah, with the amount you’ve shagged, bound to have good feelings about some and if a lunch comes up, not a problem with it.**

_ Thanks. I’ll give your regards to Johanna. _

**Johanna?**

_ One of the four.  _ Merlin wondered if it made a difference for Eggsy, that it was one of the few women that Merlin had brought off. 

**Have fun**

Merlin couldn’t figure out quite how to respond to that, and decided his best bet was just to let it go. He finished his work at his desk and went to pull holds off the shelves. He smiled when he hit Eggsy’s request for Princess in Black books. Soon enough Johanna found him and they walked a couple blocks to a cafe. 

The silence was both oppressive and easy between them which was an interesting feat. Merlin asked her about what she was doing these days and she explained that she designed database software, and a few other things. 

“Did you design software for Kingsman?”

“Why do you ask?”

“Because that is a Kingsman blazer you are wearing, even cut for a woman’s body, I can recognize it.” Merlin held the door open for her.

“We did a bit of quid pro quo. They were do have the best pinstripe fabrics,” she smiled, and they put in their order, found a table in a corner. “Any problems with the system?”

“No, it was quite straightforward. You wrote a good program,” he praised. “I actually know someone who works for Kingsman. A buyer, maybe you met them? Eggsy?”

“Maybe? I mostly dealt with the owner, but he had people in and out all the time,” she shrugged casually. “You know it was a shock when you walked into the room. Your boss warned me about a...difficult employee. Could have knocked me over with a feather when it was you.” Their drinks and food were brought over, and she held up her glass. “Cheers?”

Merlin shook his head. “No, I don’t think so.” He could hear every noise in the building. Senses going haywire as fight or flight started to kick in. “Played that last bit a little too much. Because you were always composed. Nothing, not the fucking apocalypse could knock you over with a feather. Or if it could, you would never admit it.”

“A bank holiday weekend almost two decades ago, and you think you know me so well?”

“But that isn’t the only time I have seen you. A while back, years, but more recent than we fucked, you were in the corner of my eye for a few weeks. I had forgotten, until the light hit you as we walked in. It had hit you once in the park like that.” Merlin sat back. “So, what do we do?”

“I am not sure what you mean?”

“Don’t, because you are a better liar than Eggsy, but once I see that shit, I can’t unsee it.”

“Has he at least gotten better?”

There it was, she had been too friendly, and the sharp pragmatic look in her eyes, that was the woman he remembered. “He has.”

“Have you figured it out?”

“No.”

“Don’t,” she told him. “Our boss would be displeased that I am doing this. But I thought you deserved a chance.” Johanna leaned forward. “You are brilliant, when you focus, and I need you to promise me you will never focus on this. Because Eggsy is a better man, a better employee, better everything because of his relationship with you. And if you look too deeply, we have to look too deeply at you, and choices might get made. Ones that break him. And I do not want him broken.”

“You are asking me to live with a huge lie at the center of my relationship. Just let it sit there, and let it eat away at me, every time it grows.”

“Yes,” she said. She almost looked sad about it, and Merlin appreciated that, even if it was potentially fake. Likely fake. “Merlin, if you push, if you dig, the next time you see me, you might not walk away from the meeting.”

“Is he safe?”

“As safe as he can be,” she offered. “As safe as I can keep him.”

“I don’t trust Harry.” There, he said it. “He is a walking lie, and pure violence and rage in an elegant suit.”

“He is, but that is never directed at Eggsy. I can give you that.”

Merlin wiped a hand over his mouth. “Fuck, Johanna. I’m a bloody librarian. I do story time as a monster, and tell children to believe in happily ever after. You are asking me to find my prince, and even have him, but have that perfect happy ever after always just out of reach.”

“You know it is there though, more than most get.”

“You do whatever you have to, to keep him coming home after these buying trips.” Merlin felt hollow. “And I’ll smile, and believe the lie for as long as I can. And we both hope that is a long fucking time.”

“I will hope desperately for that,” she swore.

“You even write that software?”

“Of course I did,” she smiled. “It’s brilliant isn’t it?”

“Let’s talk about the filter function in searches,” he said, and the rest of the lunch was talking about the program. He kept waiting for heart attack symptoms, or vomiting, assumed she had poisoned him, but he was fine. He guessed she meant the warning.

They said their goodbyes, and she even hugged him. The rest of his day passed in a haze and when he got home, he had to call Eggsy.

“Hey, you survived!”

“It seems I did.” Merlin sat on his couch. “I think you might actually know Johanna. Said she designed the program your office uses.” He described her.

“Rings a bell,” Eggsy said. “But was a couple years ago now, before V-day. Couldn’t say for sure.”

“She said similar.” Merlin was exhausted. “Eggsy?”

“Yeah? You sound ready to crash. You should make a cuppa, read a bit and go to bed.”

“Are you a good man?” The line was quiet.

“I try to be,” Eggsy said finally. “Why?”

“Never mind. Could you tell me one true thing?” Merlin desperately needed Eggsy to tell him the truth on even just one thing. Otherwise he might break apart.

“I don’t like Tim Tams.”

“What the fuck is wrong with you,” Merlin shouted. “They are bloody brilliant.”

“They are either rocks, or the chocolate melts on your fingers. Oh yes dunk this chocolate into your coffee and have it melt everywhere, that is exactly what is tasty! No, they are stupid and I hate them.”

“I have no words.”

“You wanted the truth, there you have it. I have hated every single Tim Tam I have eaten at your house.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because I hate them, but I love you, and you like them. So I endured. There, another true thing just for you.”

“Thank you.”

“You get rest, I’ll see you in a few days, yeah? Easy peasy business trip, and then we plan some time off together?”

“Perfect,” Merlin agreed and hung up. He spent two hours going over his house, to see if anything was out of place, if he found something left by someone - not that he had a clue what he was looking for, but there was nothing. He ate a couple Tim Tams and went to bed. 

He hung onto the true thing - that Eggsy loved him. And wondered how long that would keep them going. 

And if it didn’t - how long after he would stay alive. Ever practical he figured he’d make an appointment to get his will up to date. He rolled over and sleep eventually claimed him.   
  
  
  
  
  



	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for mission based infidelity and mission level violence

Eggsy smiled at the woman, and brushed the hair away from her cheek. “I know you have to hear this all the time, but you have the cutest nose on the planet.” He watched her blink in surprise. 

“Usually they say beautiful eyes, or great tits,” she smiled at him. “Paid the most for the nose.”

“Money well spent,” he smiled at her. “Because it was yours right? Bloke paid for the tits.”

“Of course he did.” She looked at him. “And he’d be upset if I was chatting up another man.”

“Upset hmmm?”

“So upset,” she moved a little closer to him.

Eggsy leaned into her ear. “Want to make him furious?” He bit the lobe just above where the fake diamonds hung. He had no doubt she knew they were fake. This was a woman who had everything calculated to the penny. “Because he’s busy chatting up the new model.”

“You have a grudge against him?”

“He fucked over my company in a bidding war,” Eggsy shrugged. “Wouldn’t mind getting a bit of revenge.”

“By fucking me?”

“Why not?”

They went upstairs, and she made sure a few key people but not the man himself notice her go up with a handsome man two decades younger than her partner. Eggsy slowly undressed her. “How angry are we making him?”

“Mark me up,” she told him. “He is so fucking gentle in bed, like I’m glass.”

“No, you aren’t glass, you are titanium.”

“You are goddamn fucking right. And do good, and I’ll give you a reward.” 

“I always work well with the promise of incentives,” Eggsy bit her neck. He fucked her hard and fast, left scratches, bites, bruises all over her. He made sure she orgasmed a few times and when he would have walked, she wrapped her legs around his waist and he fucked her to a fourth orgasm. “How was that?” he asked, breath coming in gasps.

“He has a safe behind that painting. Code is 04319. Has all sorts of interesting contracts. You make take two.”

“Why thank you very much.” Eggsy dressed, and planted a few bugs as she went to the bathroom. He went into the safe, and scanned with his glasses. Morrigan told him what to take, and he was out of the house within four minutes. He drove to the Kingsman safe house and stood in the parlour.

“The mission was a success,” Morrigan said in his ear. “Congratulations, Galahad.”

“I need to amend my abilities list,” Eggsy was shaking a little. He walked through the flat, and made it to the bathroom.

“Of course,” he could hear her typing. “What do you request, Galahad?”

“Honeypots - no men ever, and women it has to be a last fucking resort, okay?” He walked calmly over to the toilet and threw up all the food he had eaten at the party. He flushed and wiped his mouth on a towel. The shaking was getting worse. “Morrigan, I wasn’t great at them before, but now -” He had to pause for dry heaves. “You know what your file says about my personality.”

“I do,” she agreed. “I will add an amendment to your file. I support this, but change in your mission capabilities does need to be signed by Harry.”

Eggsy closed his eyes. “And Harry will insist, we do whatever we have to, to save the world.” Morrigan was quiet. “Okay,” he said finally. “Okay, yeah. One life to save another, one piece of my soul chipped away for how many lives I save getting that contract?”

“At least 70 workers. The building is so poorly built, at least 70 would die when it collapses in a year or two.”

“Fair deal.” He watched his hands shake. He could still taste her even through the vomit on his tongue.

“No matter what Arthur signs off on or not, I have my personal files as well, and I deploy agents as I see fit. And I understand what you are telling me, and will make changes when I can.”

“Thank you,” he breathed out. He tried to stand to rinse his mouth, but his legs were jelly, and he decided he was fine where he was.

“Excellent work, Galahad. Now I want you to -” Eggsy could hear a scream through his glasses, the wail of an agent down signal, and his adrenaline spiked.

“Morrigan, report!” Eggsy shouted. He could hear furious typing, and she forgot to switch him off.

“Lancelot, answer, your internal signal went dead. Answer your call, Lancelot.” Morrigan kept repeating similar, and Eggsy never heard a response. Morrigan’s voice was staying calm, and Eggsy stood up on shaky legs.

“Where she at, she’s on the continent too, yeah?” Eggsy was in Venice.

“You are just off a mission, Galahad, and personally compromised. I can deploy -”

“Am I the closest?”

“The way you drive, yes,” she said finally.

“Where?”

“Budapest.”

Eggsy left the flat. “Find me a fast car to steal, Morrigan.” He ran as fast as he could listening to the directions that Morrigan gave him. He had to scale to the top of a building and leap a few times, a bit past his usual capabilities, but it was for Roxy. Eventually they found a good car and Eggsy programmed the GPS. “It says six hours. I’ll be there in four.” He shifted the gears and peeled out. He had to stop for gas once but otherwise was there in less than four hours.

Morrigan fed him the information on Roxy’s mission when he was an hour outside the city.

“Galahad, I do not recommend this course of action, I am given to understand you might not be up to this.”

“Arthur, it is Lancelot, I am up to whatever the fuck is required of me,” Eggsy snarled.

“I order you to -”

“Morrigan, if you could explain to Arthur, fucking with your or I in this moment will get him just like Chester, I would appreciate it. Because the thought of Arthur, this Arthur expecting us to follow orders in extenuating circumstances, is appalling and utter bullshit.”

“What he said,” Morrigan told Arthur.

“Understood. Galahad, you are under orders to retrieve Lancelot by any means necessary.”

“There you go, sir,” Eggsy said. 

“Good hunting. Bring her home, whatever her status.”

For a moment, Morrigan’s fingers stilled, and Eggsy choked on his breath, them both having to acknowledge the thing that they had been ignoring. That if Roxy’s internal signal went dead, she was likely dead, and he was recovering a corpse. He followed the directions to where Roxy’s signal went dead. He observed the building. “Third floor window there?”

“Indeed,” Morrigan agreed.

Eggsy climbed the fire escape, which was a fucking death trap, but his past not his Kingsman training put him easily inside the building. It quite, not even dawn yet. He walked lightly through the building, heat signature glasses on. The two floors above had absolutely nothing, the building was empty. He worked his way down, and on the first floor there were three bodies and a fuck ton of blood. “Lancelot was definitely here,” he whispered. He could see a bit of a drag trail and followed it. 

But it lead to an empty room.

“Morrigan, I don’t think they just teleported.” He began tapping walls, trying to find anything.

“No, down, not beside,” Harry said. “Hidden in the floor.”

“Thanks, sir,” Eggsy said, and it took longer than he liked to find the seam. “There it is.” He shrugged. “Fuck it.”

“Agent?” they both said. 

He placed his grenade there and ran out of the room. It exploded and sure enough stairs were exposed. He pulled out the guns that he had managed to put on before he had left Venice and went downstairs.

“Galahad, you let them know you are coming, not the best course of action,” Morrigan pointed out.

“Yeah well they killed the best of us,” Eggsy snarled, “That really wasn’t the best course of action."

“Galahad -” Harry began. Eggsy could hear a curse as Morrigan did something. “Never mind,” Harry added and if Eggsy wasn’t so filled with pitiless rage, he would have laughed.

“Agent Galahad, finish this,” Morrigan said.

The first goon came running and he shot them. Eggsy remembered watching what happened in Kentucky through Harry’s eyes. He remembered his own desperate fight through Valentine’s bunker. None of that, compared to what he unleashed in that basement. Every person who came at him died. When his guns ran out, he dropped them, and picked up anything he found, sometimes a gun, sometimes a knife. He moved through room after room, laying waste to everyone, until there were three rooms left. He burst into one, and killed the man standing, before he realized Roxy was on the ground, more recognizable for the Kingsman suit she had on, than anything else. He knelt beside her and turned her over. Broken nose and jaw, just covered in blood but it was difficult to tell what was hers. He couldn’t find a pulse but he had always been rubbish at that. He ripped open her shirt, and put his ear to her chest. 

“Oh fuck,” he whispered. He could hear her, feel the faint rise and fall of her chest. “She’s alive.” 

“Get her the fuck out of there!” Harry roared.

Her Kingsman jacket was ripped to shreds, wouldn’t offer her any protection. Eggsy took his off his bulletproof jacket, which was just big enough that it covered her head and most of her torso. He picked her up and left the room. There were half a dozen men waiting with guns. He primed and threw the grenade. He then covered Roxy with his body as it blew up. Fire licked at his back, a chunk of ceiling hit his head, but they were mostly dead. He picked her up again even though he felt dizzy. He ran through the basement, and ignored the bullet that hit against his thigh, the bulletproof trousers meaning that it would just be a hell of a bruise. The one that went into his shoulder was a different story. He stumbled but pushed himself and they were up and out. He put her in the back of the car and began to drive. 

“I flew a plane out, it will be a half hour drive away. Report, Galahad,” Morrigan’s voice was firm, calm. He appreciated that.

“Uhhh, she is -”

“You,” Morrigan said. “She is out, and there is nothing that can be done, but you are behind the wheel of the car, and I need an assessment.”

“Oh, bone bruise on thigh, head thingie. Shoulder shattered due to bullet? Ears are also ringing a bit. There are sort of three roads as I am driving, which do I take?”

“The middle,” Harry’s voice was unbearably soft, kind. “Just focus on that middle road and we will guide you.”

Harry and Morrigan were both calm, and Eggsy only fogged out once as he drove but their voices brought him back. He thought the thing he saw in the distance was a plane, but the grey was creeping into his vision too much. “Merlin,” he said. “You’ll make up a lie for him yeah? That’s what we do. Car accident. Mugging. Which plane do I go to, middle right? They are all blurry.”

“Just a little more, for me, Galahad, and you will be safe. You will have brought Roxy to safety.”

“Tired,” Eggsy slurred.

“I know,” Harry said. “But just a few more meters. Okay now hit the break. Put the car into park.”

“I did good?”

“You did amazing,” Morrigan promised.

“I love Merlin,” Eggsy said, “this will make him sad.” He saw three people coming off the plane, carrying guns, and other things. “Ours?”

“Ours,” Harry reassured.

“Okay,” Eggsy said, and he passed out, head on the steering wheel, horn blaring as the Kingsman team ran to collect them.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just remember, the tags say happy ending okay?

“Is today’s answer the same as yesterday?”

“I am afraid so, sir.” Andrew did look sympathetic.

“And I am still unable to talk to Harry Hart about this,” Merlin said. It was his ninth day in a row at Kingsman, asking after Eggsy.

“He is,” Andrew replied. “I have been told to extend every courtesy to you, and promise you that the minute Eggsy returns, you will know. I am sure he just broke his phone, or something.”

Merlin looked at him. “Well, at least I know it is killing you to lie to me. I appreciate that. Tell Harry that the next time I see him, we will have words. Interesting ones.”

“If I may, that might not be the best course of action.”

“Harry won’t be the first thug I’ve had a run in with, survived then, I’ll survive now.”

“Harry Hart is a gentleman of the highest order,” Andrew’s spine had straightened, and Merlin know that that every courtesy was no longer in play.

“If he was, I’d at least be told whether I should be in mourning right now, or not. Have a good day.” Merlin gave him a nod, and headed back to the library. He had to do the afternoon children’s session. It was a holiday day, and they always tried to run programs. He was doing an extra grumpster that day.

As he headed towards the back he saw Michelle and Daisy in the stacks. Daisy waved furiously at him, and he gave a small wave back. He was tired. No not tired, incredibly weary. It had been two weeks, since when he had expected Eggsy home, when he thought he’d hear from him. It was not unusual to not hear from Eggsy when he was on a buying trip, and he was seldom back quite when he said he would be. He had allowed for a few days before he went to Kingsman, where they told him nothing. He went back every day but the story never changed, there was nothing they could tell him, and Harry Hart did not have the time for him.

On the sixth day, he had debated drinking a great deal but that was a dangerous path that he had sworn he would never trod. He made sure to not even drink a drop that night or the ones since. He felt everyone of his years right now, the unknown killing him. He thought maybe Johanna would tell him something, but he had no idea how to find her. 

He pushed his weariness, his worry to the back of his mind and did the grumpster routine, and the children were happy especially when they found out the classroom had been opened up and they could paint a giant painting, several meters of craft paper rolled out on the floor. He was putting the books away, and wasn’t surprised that Michelle came up to him. “Hello,” he said and gave a forced smile. “I’d imagine you feel as horrid right now, as I do.”

He froze a bit when Michelle hugged him, but relaxed into the touch. “I know, Merlin, but just three more days and they’ll be able to transfer him and Roxy to a hospital right here in London, and we are going to give him a piece of our mind, aren’t we?” Michelle gave him a choking squeeze, and then let go. “What were they thinking?”

“I certainly couldn’t say,” Merlin managed to reply, though it felt like he had gravel in his throat. “Information has been...vague.”

“He is always so loopy on pain killers,” she agreed. “I remember his tonsils, oh lord. Near as I can tell a client took them to a club in a neighbourhood that makes our old block look Notting fucking Hill. Nasty riot, they got caught in the middle. Guess Roxy and he got separated, she was robbed and beaten unconscious. Eggsy lost it, brawled hard. He got her out, but somehow some bastard broke his shoulder and nasty concussion. That about what he told you? Though I put that together because Harry filled in a few gaps.”

“I mostly just knew that he wasn’t here.”

“Rough not seeing him yourself, hard to believe that he is going to be okay, that he is safe.” Michelle gave him another hug. “But just three more days.”

Merlin nodded. “They’ll feel like forever.”

“Don’t I know it.”

That night, far too late, Merlin called Cullen. “Cull?”

“You kill someone? Freeze the body until I can get there to help you.”

Merlin laughed a bit at that. And then the laughter turned to crying. “He’s alive.”

“Eggsy?”

Merlin tried to control the tears, but it was difficult. “Aye. His mother told me, a fight in a different country, been in the hospital there. Home in three days. He called her. And Harry filled in some of the gaps.”

“When did he call you?”

“He didn’t,” Merlin said. He swallowed. “Cull?”

“I’ll be there tomorrow.” Cullen didn’t say anything else, just hung up.

Fuck. Oh fuck, Merlin thought. He tried to call back, but it went to voicemail. Triple fuck.  _ Please don’t tell them. Please, I beg you, I’m fine. _ He knew that was the wrong thing to say though. Because he wasn’t.  _ Just you, please just you, and don’t tell them. _

**Just me**

Okay, that was something. If it was just Cullen he could cope. Cullen would help him get his head sorted, help him with the next few days. Because he knew if he didn’t talk to someone, he would just explode at Eggsy, and that wouldn’t help anything. Merlin knew he wouldn’t sleep that night, and sent an email to his boss that he was going to be out sick for a few days. Since he had missed 5 days in the last three years, he didn’t think that there would be a problem. 

Merlin couldn’t get comfortable in bed, he just felt too fucking exposed, a feeling that happened not very often in the last few decades, but when it swept through him, it was hard fighting it. He grabbed his pillow and blanket and went to the cupboard under the stairs. When the Harry Potter books had come out, they had come close to ruining his hiding space for him, but in the muscle memory trumped fiction, and he had had a bad night and went to the cupboard, just as he was doing now. It was an empty memory foam along the bottom to cushion. He could just curl himself into the space and breathed a little easier. He drifted off sitting up in the corner, a cricket bat at his feet.

He woke feeling horrid and could hear footsteps in the house, but the cupboard was closed, he was safe. It took a minute to fully wake up and remember his father had been dead a couple decades. “Cull?” he called out.

“It’s me,” the voice confirmed and the steps came closer. The door opened and Cullen put himself half in which was all the space could fit, and that was straining it. “When Mary was a teenager, there was a bad winter storm. She found me in the cupboard. Wondered what I was doing in there. First time I told her the truth about you and Da, of how he had been to you, to all of us. How he couldn’t easily bend down enough to get you in the cupboard, back ruined by work. She sat in there on my lap cuddling like she hadn’t done since she had been seven, and learned that sometimes monsters are real. She knew he had been miserable, she hadn’t known...she hadn’t known.” Cull leaned and Merlin wrapped an arm around him. “No one in the family has storage in the cupboard under the stairs. And we all have weapons in them.”

“I think we are supposed to forgive him? Isn’t that what the church teaches?”

“Fuck that shit, I am never forgiving that evil bastard,” Cullen said. “I’m a good man, a pious man, but somethings? Well Peter and I will have an interesting conversation at the gates.” He looked around. “Good cupboard.”

“It is,” Merlin agreed. “Cull?”

“Yeah?”

“I could really use your pancakes.” Merlin sighed. “Fuck, I could really use a lot of things.”

Cullen kissed his head. “Why I drove all goddamn night to this hellscape.”

“London is not a hellscape.”

“Hmm,” Cullen scooted, and Merlin took the hand he offered and they were up and went to the kitchen. Merlin made tea and Cullen put together food. They didn’t say a word, but Merlin’s heart ached less with his brother there. Ur would have yelled, Tab would have fussed, Heather and Fergus would have wanted to just fix it, and Liam would have ended up in France. Cullen though, he was steady. He knew to bide his time, that Merlin would talk when he was ready. They ate and then Cullen went for a nap, and Merlin had a shower. He couldn’t say why but he found himself looking through one particular database and sent a few inquiries. He texted some of the relevant information to Sebastian to see if it lined up with any of his plans. He did some laundry and tidied, and three hours later Cullen was awake. 

They sat across from each other in the kitchen, sandwiches and a beer in front of them. They ignored the sandwiches and drank the beer. Merlin told Cullen everything he could think of. Things he hadn’t really told the family ever, thoughts, fears, everything he had held for decades came pouring out. And at the centre of it all was Eggsy. It was more talking than he ever did, but he could not stop the words. Eventually though he ran dry and realized he had been crying again.

He really fucking hated crying. 

“What happens next, Mer?”

“Nothing. When Eggsy gets home and spins me a bullshit story, I’ll believe it and be suitably upset. It will be easy to do so because I am fucking upset that they didn’t at least tell me he was alive. That he didn’t tell me he was alive.” Merlin took his glasses off. “Cull, I -” He shook his head. “You have thoughts.”

“I do.”

“Are you going to share them?”

“No, you don’t want to hear them, not now. Going to hug you though Mer, and I am staying until you see him again.”

“You have church on Sunday.”

“Mary said she’d do the sermon for me, she’s interested in the job as well. It will be good practice, plus all the older people in the church will get nice and scandalized by her 'we are stewards of the planet God gave us and we done fucked up and are going to fix it', sermon. I’m here. First time you asked someone to be here for you, and I’m here.”

“I am not sure I actually asked.”

“The words were implied. Now we need to get out. Where should we go?”

Merlin knew his brother well. “Let’s go then,” they spent a few hours riding the underground, Cullen loving train stations and old tube stops, for some reason that Merlin had never fully understood.

They spent their time poking about, and Cullen just listening every time the words spilled out of Merlin’s throat, and never offering an opinion - just listening.

The day Eggsy was supposed to arrive back in London according to Michelle, he checked his phone every five minutes but there was nothing. He realized that unless Eggsy or Sean gave it to her, Michelle wouldn’t have his number.

“Do I go to Kingsman?” Merlin asked Cullen.

“I’ll go with you.” But they didn’t have to because there was a knock at the door. Merlin opened it, and there was Harry.

“Hello, Merlin. I believe you were told we’d let you know what Eggsy was back in town.”

“Aye, you did,” Merlin agreed. “Is the business trip all done?”

“It is. I understand that Michelle told you about the incident.”

“Yes. I am confused why you couldn’t tell me that, though yourself.” Merlin stood blocking the house, blocking the view of Cullen behind the door with the cricket bat, having not liked the way Merlin had tensed up.

“Eggsy’s files are very clear in whom is listed as an emergency contact.  I am afraid I am an employer and have to follow the rules of privacy laws and the like. But I am under express orders to bring you to the hospital. Would the gentleman behind the door like to join us?”

“Aye, not trusting Mer alone with you.”

“Cull, I’ll be fine.”

“Bull fucking shit. Can read that bastard through the door, and he is dangerous.”

“I assure you -”

“Oh please,” Merlin and Cullen said at the same time. Merlin pushed the door open so Cullen could be seen. “I get it, your posh veneer and crisp voice fool pretty much everyone. But if you think for a second we do not see you, see exactly what you are, then well, you are foolish as well as dangerous.”

Harry smiled. “If I was going to kill you today, you’d already be dead.”

“There you are, much better to deal with you, than that bloody mask. Now take us to Eggsy.” Merlin put on shoes, and they were in the car with Harry, Cullen in front with the driver. 

“I know you believe that I hate you, or that I am trying to pull apart your relationship with Eggsy, but I don’t and I am not.”

“Bloody hell, you actually want us to talk,” Merlin groaned. “Harry, I don’t give a fuck about you, your motivations, or whatever speech you have prepared. I just want to see Eggsy, know that he is alive. So shut the fuck up, you posh twat.”

Harry gave a nod and was silent for the rest of the drive. Cullen said he’d wait in the cafeteria, and Harry escorted Merlin to Eggsy’s private room. Merlin gasped. Weeks of healing and he still looked like shit. Merlin went to the side of the bed, took Eggsy’s hand and kissed close to where the ivs were going in. “Oh, my darling,” Merlin brushed his hair off his forehead. There were a few stitches in, poorly done and would leave a scar. His shoulder was encased in casting and bandages, and he was a touch thinner. “Eggsy.” Merlin felt helpless. He sat next to him and read a book off his phone, until he felt Eggsy’s fingers squeeze his.

“Hiya,” Eggsy said, voice hoarse. Merlin held a cup to his lips and Eggsy took a few sips. “You are a sight for sore eyes.”

“I could say the same to you,” Merlin kissed his hand again. “You look like utter shit.”

“God, I love you.”

“I love you as well.” Merlin looked at Eggsy. “I was scared.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Harry, he could have told you, and next time -”

“Next time? You plan to get caught in a drunken riot at a garbage club overseas again?” Merlin looked at him in shock. “You plan after this to continue in the same job?”

“Yeah, I mean this was a fluke.”

“No, it wasn’t.” Merlin shook his head when Eggsy opened his mouth. “Nothing, ignore me. I suppose I can understand Harry not telling me. But you called your mother, why didn’t you call me?”

“My phone broke, and this is shit of me, but since your number were programmed in, I didn’t have it memorized.”

Merlin could believe that, it was reasonable, and Eggsy wasn’t displaying the usual ticks, that had become subtler. “How long are you going to be here?”

“Another week or so. Shoulder is right fucked up. Concussion seemed to be mild though.”

“What about Roxy?”

“Recovering at her girlfriend’s home. Johanna, insisted, and Roxy was relieved. She’s drinking out of a straw for a while, her jaw was broken.”

“It was incredibly brave of you to wade in to rescue her.”

Eggsy tried to shrug, “What a Kingsman does, one for another.” He looked at Merlin, and in an instant Merlin knew Eggsy was going to lie to him. “There was a lot of blood flying around, and not like could stop a fight to get a history. Needing a lot of blood work, just in case of anything. So when I am out of here and not in indescribable pain, we’ll need to use condoms for a bit, just in case, okay?”

“Okay,” Merlin agreed. “We rushed over here, didn’t stop before, mind if I use the bog?”

“Sure, they still have me strung up so I can piss in a bag, thank fuck that is coming out tomorrow.”

Merlin went to the bog and took a moment to lean on the wall, close his eyes. Because he could see easily enough that it hurt Eggsy to tell that lie. If they were worrying about HIV it wasn’t because of a riot. He flushed the toilet and washed his hands. He looked in the mirror, and nodded to himself. He went back out, the barest hint of a smile on his face. “Better.”

Eggsy smiled at him. “Fuck I missed you. Missed you so damn much, babe.”

“I am sure that Harry has told you I was being nuisance,” Merlin laughed a bit.

“No?” Eggsy frowned.

“Eggsy, I was at the shop everyday, asking if they heard from you. Harry wouldn’t even see me.”

“Wot?”

Merlin remembered that voice, it was the old Eggsy from the block. Flat, hard. “I’m sorry, I thought he would have told you. I insulted him to Andrew, and realized I shouldn’t go back.”

“I’m going to be having a talk with Harry,” Eggsy promised him. “Like I get I never said to him, hey make up something to tell Merlin, but he could have, he’s used to that.”

“I am sure he is,” Merlin said. Eggsy didn’t even realize what he said, the painkillers floating through him. “When you are released, I hope you’ll come stay with me. Let me take care of you.”

“I’m actually going to stay with Harry. He was in a bad way after Valentine’s day. Knows a thing or two about dealing with injuries like these.”

“I know a thing or two about injuries from men rioting.”

“Yeah, you get into a footie brawl once Merlin?” Eggsy teased.

“No, my mother taught me how to tape my ribs after my father cracked them, the second time. We couldn’t have him arrested you see, family couldn’t do without the income, and I should remember not to be in the same room with him on a Saturday night when he’s been with the boys.” Merlin stood up. “Eggsy?”

“Yeah?”

“Tell me one true thing about what happened to you.”

Eggsy looked at him. “I saved Roxy’s life.”

“That is a very good thing. I’ll let you get rest.” There was a pen and paper on a table. He wrote his number down. “Should you be interested in calling me.”

“Merlin, I am sorry. Harry was fucking terrified. Roxy’s heart stopped once. She had been tased, illegal over charged one. And I have a shoulder bone in a couple pieces. But give me a couple weeks, and we’ll get to normal.”

Merlin kissed his head. “Aye, a few weeks and a new normal will be built.” He stayed close, but couldn’t smell Eggsy, it so overwhelmed by hospital scent. “I love you, so much, Eggsy. That will never, ever change. Nothing will ever change how much I love you.”

He saw a tear slip from Eggsy’s eye. “Merlin, I…” Eggsy couldn’t finish the sentence, and Merlin kissed his cheek.

Merlin left the room and Harry was waiting outside. They walked to the life together. “So is this when you kill me?” he asked once they were alone on it, and headed down.

“No,” Harry said. “He loves you, and would be devastated by that. And I can ask much of him, but I cannot do that to him.”

“But you can ask him to what, fuck, fight, or die for you?”

“Not for me, but yes, I can, and he will almost always say yes. Though that first one he requested limits be put on it.”

“And I can never ask questions, and never be told anything real. I might not even be told he died.”

“His father died, and he was told. And he was given a favour.” Harry reached into his pocket, and Merlin looked at the fob he was holding out. Pink and gold, rather tacky he thought. “Take this. One favour, an important one. You call the number on the back, and say Oxfords Not Brogues, and arrangements will be made.”

Merlin took the fob, and pulled out his phone. He dialed the number, and a woman answered. He thought it sounded like Johanna. “Oxfords Not Brogues. I request that Eggsy Unwin no longer be Harry Hart’s cannon fodder.” There was dead silence on the other end.

“We will take that under advisement. We thank you for your call.” The line went dead.

“Well, at least I surprised someone.” Merlin held out the fob. “I am pretty sure I wasted my favour.”

“Keep it, for another try, one day.”

“That is the only favour I will ever want from you.” Merlin sneered a little at him. “I want nothing from you, except him not in a fucking hospital bed again.”

“That, in the end, is up to him.”

Merlin put the metal fob in Harry’s breast pocket. “Mr. Hart, I am scared of you. I can see the rage in you well enough and it terrifies me. But you ever put him in needless harm’s way, I promise I'll make you scared of me.”

The life dinged open, magically stalled during their conversation. He didn’t look back at Harry just found Cullen in the cafeteria. Cullen was about to go to the cab line, but Merlin wanted to be underground. They road the tube for an hour, just sat side by side. Merlin finally nodded. “Now,” he said quietly.

“You have Mama’s eyes, and her heart. Her huge, huge heart.” Cullen reached out, and held Merlin’s hand. “But that doesn’t mean you should love like she did. Love fills us up, it is supposed to fill us up, and all it did was empty her out. How she loved? That is not the model of love, that is something else entirely.”

“I’ll never love anyone but him.”

“She said that too,” Cullen kissed Merlin’s head. “And it was a curse on her soul. Love him for the rest of your life Merlin, because you can’t do anything but. But let it be a joy, and not a curse.”

“I’m going to need some help.”

“Whatever you need,” Cullen promised.

They went back to Merlin’s house. In 72 hours, Merlin had made phone calls and more phone calls, tendered his resignation at work, and put his house on the market. They packed his personal things and put them in storage. He wrote Eggsy a three page letter and posted to Kingsman. 

Merlin looked at Cullen. “Let’s go home.”

“They will fuss.”

“I really could use some fuss.” They got into Cullen’s car, Merlin having donated his to charity. It had too much Eggsy in it, as absurd as that sounded. “I think I might live in my dinosaur onesie for a week.”

“As long as you need to,” Cullen said. “Let’s leave this fucking city behind.”

“It has its good points.”

“So will Manchester when the job starts there in a month.”

“We shall see,” Merlin leaned against the car window, and Cullen drove them home to Scotland. It was late when they got in, and he was dropped at Liam’s. Merlin let himself in. “I think you have the right idea about love.”

“For me yes, not so much for you.” Liam pulled him into a hug. “So, I know this family is big on the whole alcohol almost destroyed our family teetotalling thing, but we’re getting shit faced yeah?”

“Tell me you have weed?” He would throw any scotch up.

“I’m an artist, Mer, of course I have weed.” Liam dragged him into the kitchen, and took care of him as best he could. Which meant weed and onion crisps, and Merlin watched the dawn rise while Liam sang Stones songs to his plants. He pulled out his phone and hit the number he dialed in the lift at the hospital.

“Hello?”

“Oxfords not Brogues. Just...just don’t diminish that light in him more than ye already are.” Merlin hung up and watched the sun break the sky. He then went and slept for 18 hours.


	14. Chapter 14

“He has beautiful penmanship,” Roxy typed, and her phone read aloud. Not talking was killing her, but her jaw was going to be wired shut a bit longer. The voice came out sounding like Minnie Mouse, and Eggsy snickered a bit. Roxy scowled and changed it. “Beautiful penmanship,” it said sounding like Darth Vadar. Roxy’s glare was molten as she tried once more. “Beautiful penmanship,” it was her voice, stilted and pulled from recordings but close enough. Her shoulders relaxed a bit. “Better even than Harry’s.”

“It is,” Eggsy agreed. “And that is nice paper, that is buy it by the sheet paper.”

“Even wax seal?”

“Of course, nothing but the best for when you are ripping a man’s heart out,” Eggsy took the pages she offered, and he flipped to the second one. “This here is my favourite part. ‘ _ Forgive me the timing of this, but if I stayed until you were well I would only be hurting the both of us _ .’ Got a broken shoulder, mate, pretty sure there isn’t ‘more’ pain.” Eggsy went to page three. “No no no, this is my favourite part, ‘ _ I told you nothing would change how I feel about you and that is the truth, but that doesn’t mean we can continue as we were _ .’ That’s pretty good innit? I mean complete bullshit because you don’t leave someone if you love them, but downright poetic. No, wait,” Eggsy could hear the manicness in his voice, but kept going, “Right here, right at the beginning, ‘ _ My dearest Eggsy _ .’ That is the fucking funniest part, right there. Because if I was dearest, he’d be here.” Eggsy would have furiously ripped the pages up but his shoulder wasn’t letting him do anything furiously. So instead he methodically tore the pages into long thin strips, and then tore those until the beautiful paper with the elegant penmanship was confetti. 

He dropped the pieces on Harry’s coffee table to be binned later. He had been able to leave the hospital yesterday, and once ensconced in Harry’s house, Harry had given him the letter. Eggsy had wondered why Merlin hadn’t come by the hospital, but Eggsy had just figured either he wasn’t good with hospitals or was mad at how Harry hadn’t told him shit. Eggsy was mad at that too, and he and Harry would have that out soon, but he hadn’t really thought about why he wasn’t seeing Merlin. Then Harry had given him the letter.

He had read it countless times but it was all the same bullshit, Merlin was sorry, he loved Eggsy, but he couldn’t see how the relationship could go on. And that he was leaving. 

Turned out he wasn’t leaving, he was already gone. Harry confirmed there was a for sale sign on his house, he had given notice at work. Didn’t say where he was going. Eggsy knew well enough that Merlin would be going to his family. He couldn’t call his mum to bitch, because that would mean telling Daisy that grumpster was gone and she’d be fucking devastated. Merlin didn’t seem to care about though. That he hadn’t just broken Eggsy’s heart, but Daisy’s too - and that was a harder thing to forgive.

He had had Roxy come over and read the letter, because he wanted commiseration. He wanted his best friend to tell him that Merlin was a wanker and tosser, and she’d gut him for hurting Eggsy if she ever saw him, but she was just looking at him. “Wot?”

“Nothing.”

“Don’t, you need to call him names now, that is how this works.”

“He is a jerk, an arsehole, and a -”

“Don’t sound the same when it comes through the phone, all flat and stuff,” Eggsy tried to get comfortable, but that was a futile thing; there hadn’t been comfortable in weeks. “It is bullshit to dump someone and run away when they have a fucking bullet break their shoulder.”

“Eggsy, he doesn’t know it was a bullet.”

“That don’t matter, he knows I was hurt by bad men, and that should be enough.”

“Would it be for you?”

“Fuck off,” Eggsy barely kept from shouting. “He broke my heart, not the other fucking way around.” He glared at Roxy but she kept giving him that steady look. Her patient look that just broke down everyone around her. “I am heartbroken.”

“I know you are, hun,” she said. “But…”

“But?”

“Johanna broke a couple rules when I told her I was coming here. Harry would be pissed but, fuck him, he is not reasonable about this and I have no fucking clue why.” 

Eggsy was a bit confused, but Roxy tapped on her phone and the recording of Merlin’s two calls to the Kingsman hotline played. His eyes welled and the tears spilled over as he listened to how broken Merlin sounded as the favour he asked for was Eggsy’s life. He wiped them away. “Why are you sharing that, Roxy?”

“Because that is not the voice of a man who wanted to break your heart.”

“Still managed to break it.” Eggsy looked at the scraps of paper. “He knew. He knew for months I was lying to him. I guess I thought he’d be willing to live with it. I was getting better at, the lying.” Eggsy stared at a wall and tried to hold himself together, but knew he was crumbling. “Roxy, I loved him since I were 16. How do I let go?”

“Oh, Eggsy,” her phone said, and she tossed it down. He didn’t like hugs right now with shoulder, so she squeezed his legs, rested against them as he cried. He fell asleep before the tears stopped.

*

“Harry, we need to talk,” Eggsy said two nights later. He was still completely hollowed out. He hadn’t throw out the bits of paper, but had Roxy take them to Johanna who was able to piece it 90% back together scan it, send it to him. He had read it so many times, and all he could see in it, was that Merlin didn’t want to do this, he just couldn’t see another way around it. But Eggsy thought maybe he could. He had asked before, but things had changed. 

No, he was going to make them change.

Harry looked up from his desk. “Of course.” He gestured and Eggsy sat in the chair. “How are you feeling?”

“At this point it is the shoulder really, everything else is moving like normal. Just exhausting doing everything one handed.”

“The doctor is pleased with your healing. Another week, if the x-rays are clear, you will be eased into p.t. It is expected you’d be field ready in another two months.”

“That’s good.” Just a few weeks off and he was restless. He was itching to work out, to get himself back. But first there were other things to discuss. “Harry, I have a problem.”

“I want to help, whatever it is.”

“Thing is, I don’t know if I need you to be Arthur, or Harry, or somewhere in the middle. Because you haven’t been either when dealing with Merlin.”

“I don’t understand.”

“If you were behaving as Arthur, you wouldn’t have offered him the fob - the favour. And if you were my friend Harry, you wouldn’t have hated him, been trying to keep us apart. So I want you now, to tell me properly what the fuck is going on with you and him.” Eggsy curled up into the chair as best he could. “Because that is utter bullshit that you left him hanging.”

“It was a test, Eggsy, a fucking test, to see if he was worthy of you, and just as I suspected he wasn’t.” Harry went to the cabinet and poured himself a brandy. “This was the first time he had to face not knowing about you. It wouldn’t have been the last. And even if he knew about the Kingsman, what you do, he wouldn’t have known about that. You will get hurt again, you will go missing again. And he would have to endure, and he showed he couldn’t.” Harry shook his head. “No, worse. He showed he wouldn’t. That despite all his grand declarations of love, they carried little weight.”

“Harry, you gave him a fucking Kingsman test? That is cruel. And you are many things but not -”

Eggsy stopped and flinched at the look that Harry gave him.

“I am cruel, and heartless, and violent. Eggsy I am cold, unforgiving, relentless. I am a million bad things wrapped in a decently attractive and privileged package. I will give him this, he saw, in a way you often don’t. He could see what I am capable of, without ever seeing me throw a punch.” Harry sat down in his chair, and for a moment, just a moment he looked exactly like Chester. “You remember how we made up, not how much I hurt you before Kentucky. You tell yourself that I didn’t mean it - but I did. I was furious at you. A part of me despised you, no matter how much I care for you. And because you saw the best in me, I know you were only seeing the best in him. Eggsy, he is double your age, someone whose personality has guaranteed multiple promotions sailed past him; a misanthrope, and frankly rather promiscuous. That was not a man you would be happy with in the long run.” 

Eggsy waited as Harry drank his whole glass. He needed to formulate a response. “You spied on him, or had Johanna do that, I knew you would. He had me, and a few relationships before that. He ever cheat on someone he was actually dating?”

“No, in between he just fucked any man that smiled at him.”

“Don’t forget, 4 women,” Eggsy added. “I knew that about him, it didn’t particularly bother me. He likes sex, so what? So do I. Your poshness showing there Harry, that someone dare enjoy sex and a lot of it. Not hide it behind closed doors.” He tilted his head. “So what you are saying, is that because I don’t constantly point out that you are capable of being a shitty, callus, bastard of a human being, that somehow meant, I didn’t know exactly who he was? Fuck you, Harry. I know how gross you are, because I sit at the same fucking table you did, that you now run, and I know what it does to a person. I know what it could do to me. But I won’t fucking let it. Yeah, okay, I see the good in you, which is slight but there. I saw the good in him, and there was a fuckton more than you had. Doesn’t mean I don’t see the bad - just means I don’t fucking wallow in it. Bathe in it.”

They sat and watched each other. “He wasn’t good enough for you.”

“For me to decide.”

“He wasn’t good for you as an agent.”

“See now that is potentially fair, and time we properly talk that out, and not just your, no sorry you can't tell him, and we’ll kill him if you spill anything - because at this point he should have been dead a couple days ago, if not months ago. And he’s still living.” Eggsy paused, a horrible thought. “Right?”

Harry nodded. “He is in Scotland. He stayed with Liam for a few days, but now is with Tabitha, since Liam had to take a business trip.”

“How long will you be keeping tabs on him?”

“As long as necessary,” Harry said. “But I think Johanna’s assessment was a bit off.”

“Oh? She’s never wrong.”

“Almost never,” Harry smiled a bit. “Do you know her staff broke it down once - she is wrong once every 3.82 years.” He shook his head a bit. “Irrelevant data, my apologies. But she believed he couldn’t keep Kingsman a secret from his family. And for himself he may not be able to. But for you, he will.”

“So we can tell him then. I can tell him what I do, and we can make this work.” Eggsy felt a rush at the thought. “I can fix this. We can fix this.”

“You could, you would never be able to tell him mission details, where you are truly going, what you actually do for us, but you could tell him that you are a secret spy for Kingsman. I am sure he thinks I am mafia or such, and would be relieved that when I order you to go out and fuck and fight, it is for the good of the world, and not just my personal empire.”

“That was specific,” Eggsy frowned.

“He and I had a conversation. It almost made me like him.”

“You know, why he’s better than you? He admits he hates more people, you don’t.” Eggsy uncurled, and sat forward. “Why do you hate him, Harry?”

“Because I see no scenario where you don’t end up with a broken heart,” Harry said. “And your heart is your greatest strength. It is what got you to Roxy. She would be dead without you. You save the world with that heart.”

“That heart killed most of our political leaders,” Eggsy pointed out. “Got some dark edges.”

“I’m all dark edges, Eggsy, and that is what you would become, in that relationship. And forgive me, for not wanting that for my friend.”

Eggsy leaned back in the chair. “Fuck, Harry, you are the worst.”

“I am aware,” Harry said easily. He looked at him. “So what happens now?”

Eggsy was thinking. “Now? Now you stop being fucking Chester King and be Harry Hart.” He enjoyed the way that made Harry flinch, enjoyed it probably more than he should. “Yeah, don’t like that do you? But that is who you’ve been fucking becoming. You’ve been thinking more and more of us as chess pieces, sacrifice this piece to defend that one.”

“Kingsman are all about sacrifice.”

“Not the ones you having us made. I’m sorry under Chester’s rule that it fucked up how everyone understands relationships, that there is no possibility of middle ground. But you saw it once, when you -” Eggsy blinked. He looked at Harry, and all of a sudden it all slipped into place. “Oh Harry, this is about my dad innit?” Harry almost didn’t react but Eggsy saw it. “Harry, it’s okay.”

“It isn’t.”

“No, but it is, because it is different. No kids, no woman who didn’t know how to function without her husband. He has safety nets to catch him, that she didn’t. If you had to go tell him I was dead, he’d be broken, but…there would be no one else who would be broken along with him.”

“What if you two adopted? Your perfect little family.”

“No, I might love a civilian, but I’d never involve a kid in this equation.” Eggsy got up, and went to Harry. “You were fucking me over, to protect yourself from having to tell someone again that there loved one was dead, and not being able to tell them the real reason?”

Harry closed his eyes. “Never let anyone make you Arthur, Eggsy. It is a bastard of a position.”

“Sure looks like it. Makes you a fucking coward too.” Eggsy stroked Harry’s hair. “Big thing is, he didn’t have anyone to kick him in the arse and make him acknowledge it. Isn’t it a good thing you have me?”

“It is,” Harry was utterly sincere when he said it. “I apologize, Eggsy.”

“I’ll accept eventually,” Eggsy said. “Can’t not, you know me.”

“I do,” Harry looked exhausted. “So how do we move forward?”

“You stop being a fucking wanker, cowardly pissant, falsely righteous tit, and we sit down with the Morrigan, and create a game plan for agents who wish to have relationships outside the Kingsman. And then hopefully, Merlin and I have a real conversation and find a way forward.” Eggsy touched Harry’s eye patch. “Harry, you fucking suck. And you were apart of almost ruining one of the best things that ever happened to me. Time for you to suck less.”

“I’m actually quite good at sucking, are we sure we want to change that?”

Eggsy tried not to laugh, but a snort came out. “Bastard.”

“I am,” Harry smiled. “But we will figure out a way to lessen that.” He looked at Eggsy. “How far would you go for him?”

“I think we’re going to be finding that out, yeah?” Eggsy sighed a bit. “But pretty fucking far.”

*

Eggsy was in the shop, talking with Andrew. The full contraption was off his shoulder, but he still had to have in arm in a sling about 12 hours a day. He, Harry, and Morrigan had been hammering out a lot of changes for Kingsman, moving them forward, treating agents like feeling people. There were so many rules that had to be gone through, things that had to stay in place no matter what, things that could be shifted, or done away with. It was killing him, but each inch forward he yanked away from Harry, made him feel better, closer to getting Merlin back.

The bell chimed, and they both looked up. Neither recognized him, but he was dressed interestingly. Sort of hip nerd, but not cliched hipster. There was nothing studied in the mishmash of styles on him.

“Hiya, welcome to Kingsman,” Eggsy said. “How can we help you?”

“You are Eggsy, yeah?” 

Scottish. Mid thirties. “Liam?” Eggsy guessed.

“Aye. You look like you are healing good. Uh, quick question. I can never remember, you punch with your thumb tucked in right, that stops in from breaking?”

“Wot? No, that is how you absolutely break it. Out and wrist locked or you are completely fucked. Why?” Eggsy realized that was a dumb question ten seconds later when Liam threw a wild and rather rubbish left hook. It snapped his head but didn’t knock him over.

“Fucking hell, how do people do that. Can I have some ice for my hand?”

“No, you cannot have ice for your hand. What the fuck?” Eggsy shook his head and moved his jaw, it would barely bruise but still stung.

“Come on, you had to expect one of us would do that,” Liam replied. He looked at his hand. “Punching is stupid. I’m going to take up painting and paint a scathing and satirical portrait of you, that will be good revenge for breaking Merlin’s heart.” He smiled. “Hiya, nice to meet you by the way.”

“Wow,” Eggsy stared at him. “Okay so...yeah...what do we do now?”

“Oh, I’m taking you home to Scotland so you can fix this!” Liam grinned. “Thought of this myself! Everyone in the family is trying to make him feel better, and cuddling him. Which he needs cuddles. But it is time for fussy cuddles, not mine, so Tab has him. But I thought, Liam, what does your big brother need to feel whole? He needs the man he loves. So I’m kidnapping you. Is that okay?”

Eggsy smiled a bit. “Yeah, yeah you can kidnap me. Andrew, tell Harry I’ll be back in a few days?”

“Of course, sir,” Andrew smiled. “Good luck.”

“Thanks, I’m going to need it.” He looked at Liam. “Did you come to London by yourself?”

“I’m not as helpless as they all think. Not when Merlin needs me. Then I can focus.”

“Did you take your medication? I know Merlin mentioned you forget.”

“Oh fuck, shit.” Liam groaned. “It is in my bag in the car. I’ll take it when we are on the road. Let’s go.”

“Let’s,” Eggsy agreed and followed Liam out. And he hoped. He hoped with everything in him as they headed to Scotland.   
  



	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pain, but a reasonable amount? I don't know, i do know I am really proud of this chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for discussion of past child abuse

“So what happens now?” Eggsy asked.

Merlin kept stroking his hair, enjoyed the weight of Eggsy against him. He wanted to squeeze tight, to not let go ever. “What happens is what happens.” That sound so like it was from Trisha rerun, but it was what came out of his mouth. “We move forward.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too, Eggsy. That is not going to be changing.”

“But the rest is.”

“For now,” Merlin didn’t squeeze, but wrapped his arms around Eggsy. He kissed Eggsy’s head. “Do you see any other way?”

“What I see, is you not even trying, just giving up.” Eggsy sounded bitter, but Merlin noticed he wasn’t moving away.

“I’m trying to make myself whole again, Eggsy.”

“Because my job was hollowing you out.”

“Because I was hollowing me out. And if we go back to how it was before, then we don’t change anything.” 

“I’m trying to change everything, and you say it doesn’t matter.”

“No, Eggsy it matters a great deal.” Eggsy was on the opposite of side of where he usually was, the broken shoulder needing to have not much pressure on it. “It is important.”

“Just not enough.” Eggsy sat up and looked down at him. Merlin took his hand, needing the connection a little bit longer. “So, again, what happens now?”

“Time?” was all Merlin could say. He didn’t have a better answer.

“I’m not going to fucking wait for you, to get sorted. Because to me it is simple. We love each other, and I’m working on fixing it. So, that should be enough.”

“You know it isn’t.” Merlin looked up at him. “I’m not asking you to wait for me, or meet in a year at the London Eye or some bullshit movie thing. I’m saying that maybe one day we find our way back, maybe we don’t, but the only way we know is time.”

“I won’t wait for you.”

“I know.”

“Because you can’t fucking break my heart, and like book a reservation for it at the same time.” Eggsy wiped a tear away. “You can’t do that. This is the second time you are walking away from me. Because you always walk away from people who love you.”

Merlin didn’t respond to that jab, it was true enough. He stayed in the bed and watched Eggsy dress. He hadn’t had a bag, just the clothes on his back. And the blue onesie Fergus had made him. Eggsy folded it carefully and started to put it down. “Keep it,” Merlin said. “It is really quite comfortable and comforting.”

“These are only for family, yeah?” But Eggsy wasn’t putting it down.

“Aye, they are for family only, that is why I want you to keep it.” Merlin rolled over in the bed, and closed his eyes. There were no more words, nothing left to be said, until maybe one day. He heard the snick of the door closing. He curled into himself, curled into a small ball until he felt he could look. It took have been three minutes, or three hours, he honestly wasn’t sure. When he looked over, the only dinosaur onesie was his. It wasn’t much, but it was something.

He showered and dressed and when he went downstairs, it was Ursula waiting. “You -”

“Don’t,” he begged. “Please.”

“You sit, I’m going to make you tea,” she replied. “Tab wanted to be the one waiting for you. We all watched him leave from Cull’s window; she started over, but I remember well enough from field hockey how to trip someone and got out the door first. Liam feels like shit that he brought him up to break your heart more.”

“No, this time I broke his. Keeps it all nice and even.” Merlin took the cup she offered him. He watched a large dollop of whisky be poured in. “Why, doctor!”

“Medicinal,” she said, and sat across from him, pouring a good measure into her glass as well. “You break his heart for revenge?”

“No.”

“Okay then,” she nodded and drank, tea not burning her tongue the way it would other people. “He’s a good man. I really wanted to loathe him.”

“He is a good man, a great one.” Merlin held the cup, but didn’t drink. “But.”

“But.”

“Liam did the right thing bringing him here. I was wrong to run, but I am so very good at it.”

“He say that?”

“Aye,” Merlin took a sip, and sure enough it scalded his tongue. “Suppose I should have stayed and fought for our relationship.”

“He’s wrong,” Ursula said.

“Is he? I ran from all of you, I ran from relationships, I run from improving my lot at work. I’m a coward, it is easy enough to own.”

“If we were the sort of people to hit each other, I’d be giving you such a smack right now, you colossal twit,” she snapped.

“I really wish it was Tab or Heather right now.”

“No, you don’t. You listen to Cull when your heart needed aid, Liam fetched the lad for you, because he took the three musketeers too seriously and rushes into action, Fergus knit you a sweater, and Tab and Heather babied you. Now it is time for me to talk to your brain, and for you to fucking listen. You did the right goddamn thing ending it with him.”

“He was making changes to the lying.”

“Were they implemented yet?”

Merlin had to shake his head. “He said they were starting to, but it is a slow process.”

“So, nothing concrete, and that means might never actually fucking happen.” She held up a finger. “Change isn’t change if it isn’t fucking changed.” She held up another, “Could you right now go back, and trust him even if the changes had happened?”

“I don’t know,” Merlin said. “I’d always be looking for the lie. The time where I can’t tell you where I am going really means I won’t tell you.”

“Okay, then, so you two had started a bad cycle and would have just picked it up again if you went back.” Merlin nodded, and she lifted a finger. “He fucking cheated on you.”

Merlin almost dropped the cup. “How did you know?”

“Didn’t, it was a guess.”

“There were circumstances,” Merlin said.

“You believe that horseshit?”

“In this instance yes,” Merlin replied. He didn’t know the specifics but it had been job related and Harry had said, Eggsy tried to change those parameters as much as he could.

“Would you have to believe it again if you stayed?” When Merlin nodded, she continued, “Could you live with that?”

“Mum lived with Dad’s...choices.”

“Yeah, and we likely have half siblings around town, somewhere. And she was no saint. We damn well know that Liam isn’t Da’s. Just got lucky that he looks like Mum.” 

“How Da never did the math on that one, I’ve never figured out.”

“Have to be sober enough to do math,” Ursual sneered. “And sounds like it is different than them, but is it different enough?”

“I know why he would do it,” Merlin said slowly. “But if he came home with lipstick on his shirt…” He flinched, and Ursula’s hands wrapped around his on the mug and brought it to his mouth. “I...he told me a couple things, and it would be...I don’t know,” he finally said.

“So we’ll put that to the side.” She nudged the cup up, and he drank again. “Now, also on the table is you running. That was the accusation he laid at your feet, and one you agree with.”

“Of course, and you can’t tell me you don’t,” he said. “Ur, you know it is true.”

“It is - but that doesn’t mean it is wrong.”

Merlin choked on the tea and whisky. “What?”

“You ran because Da would have fucking killed you, because you were gay, because he hated you, because of a million things that weren’t your fault. He hated all of us, and smacked us around some, but never like what he did to you. You ran to save your fucking life. That isn’t cowardice, that is common sense.”

“And boyfriends?”

“Shit, we all run from crummy relationships,” Ursula waved a hand dismissively. “You had two that you would have made work, if they had been right, they just weren’t right. Your career got upended, and here is a thing that bothers me about the world - aye you could have been promoted if you tried, but you weren’t running from shit. Sometimes it is okay to love the job you have. You adore putting books away, and running the children’s hour. What you want to do paperwork that management has to? You love to help people.”

“I hate people.”

“That is just a reasonable life view, but it doesn’t mean that you don’t love to help them.” Ursula nudged his mug again, and he drank on his own. “So the question is, are you running from Eggsy out of cowardice, or because right now it is the most logical course of action?”

“Can it be somewhere in the middle?”

“Sure,” she said. “Merlin?”

“Aye?”

“If Da hadn’t been who he had been - who would you be now?”

“How the fuck do I figure that out?”

“We all did,” she said. “Not saying we thought it and became that, but it helped shape a few things. Also Cullen and Tab did some therapy and foisted the tools they learned onto us. I mostly slept through my psych stuff in med school.” 

“Your bedside manner must be praised across the board.”

“Fuck off, teenagers love me, think I’m brilliant - sort of like you and 5 years olds.” Ursula kicked him under the table. “He shaped all of us, and we can’t deny it. But can be fun to play what if, see what you learn.”

“I have ptsd.”

“No shit. This is completely surprising information.”

“Fuck off, you cunt.”

“Love you too, Mer.”

“I can’t...I got back, make huge romantic gestures? We last maybe a year. More likely six months. And it wouldn’t be like how this is. This breaks our hearts. That, that would break our souls.”

“It is okay to protect yourself, sometimes, Mer.”

He nodded. “Who would you have been if Da hadn’t been Da?”

“A travel agent.”

“Wait, what?”

“I became a doctor, because I saw him hurt you, and wanted to make sure other people wouldn’t hurt - that I could stop the hurt I couldn’t stop for you. But I feel like I would have liked being a travel agent, sending perfectly normal families off on their big trip to Disney world. Traveled on discounts. Seen the world.”

“You could still see the world.”

Ursual snorted. “There are people out there.”

Merlin was quiet. “I would have been an actor. Maybe not full time. Local theatre volunteer shit. But I would have liked that. It is why I started the Grumpy Book Monster at the library.”

“We would have thrown roses at your feet.”

Merlin finished the tea, and grabbed the whisky bottle and took a slug. “Right, let’s go.”

“Where? To get your man?”

“No. No to the cemetery. All seven of us.”

“Well, this should be interesting.” They all walked the kilometer and a half to the cemetery, and Liam tried to keep a few siblings between them, Merlin noticed. He reached past Fergus, and yanked Liam next to him. 

“You did good.”

“It was supposed to be happy ever after.”

“Could still be so, maybe one day. Maybe not, but I would have walked and not seen him again, and we needed to have the conversation we had.”

“And the sex you had. You should have closed the blinds better.”

Merlin laughed. “And the goodbye fuck we had. That was a mistake, an excellent one, but still.” He hugged Liam and kissed his head. “I’m proud of you for making a journey like that.”

“Fuck off, I went on a world tour with my art. Only needed someone with me like 40% of the time. Grown adult.”

“Will you want to go to San Francisco again? For their Pride? Got a message they are opening a second location for the drag club.”

“I thought we weren’t telling the family about that,” Liam was shocked. Merlin had demanded the others never know.

“Liam and I went to Pride and made friends with Drag Queens and technically won their open mic contest.” He soaked in the gasps and comments from the family. “No more secrets,” Merlin said. “I’m done with secrets.”

“And how many more do you have?” Cullen asked.

“I’m a complete slut, though those days are passed, since I won’t shag anyone but Eggsy. Fuck, I’m going to miss fucking. I wish I could have been an actor. And Dad came to my room one night and said if I liked cock, his one friend would pay good money for me to take it from him. When I turned the kind offer down, Dad put a broken beer bottle to my throat, and suggested I change my mind. When I didn’t, he said I had three days to leave, or he’d make sure I stayed right nice and put in the cemetery we are walking towards. I said I would go, and as long as he promised to never hurt any of you as much he had me, I wouldn’t tell mum about the hard on he got every time he beat me bloody.” They were at the cemetery gate and paused. He turned and looked and held out his arms to the weeping Tabitha. “It wasn’t so bad.”

“No, it was worse. How much did you and Ma hide about how he hurt you?”

“A lot,” Merlin admitted. “More than I even remember. If it wasn’t for me, he would have had a good life you see. The rest of you were well might as well happen. I was the mistake, that he kept trying to fix.”

“We’re here to piss on the fucker’s grave right?” Fergus asked.

“I was going to try the first step to making my peace with the past,” Merlin replied, “and if a bit of piss were to happen well…”

“I’m not peeing on a grave!” Tabitha replied.

“I am,” Ursula replied.

“You know I have a shy bladder, I’ll have to do it on the other side of the stone, none of you watching.” Heather bit her lip. “No looking.”

“Look, I am all for bonding, but I think mostly we all politely turn our backs while Merlin takes his symbolic and very important wee on Da’s grave,” Cullen suggested.

Merlin had to be guided to the right spot, he had visited their Mum but never his dad and they had all made sure they weren’t buried next to each other, the woman deserved a break. It was a simple stone, just his name and the dates. His siblings formed a bit of a protective circle so no one would really notice, and he did indeed piss on his father’s grave. “I hate you, you bastard. And I will never forgive you. And at too fucking old, I am going to stop having you define me.” The second his trousers were zipped they were all around him, holding him tight, and one of the weights crushing his heart was eased a bit.

There was dinner, and more talking about the past, about the future, and he was fucking exhausted but couldn’t sleep. He sneaked out of Tabitha’s house and went back to the graveyard. He nicked a few flowers and lay them on his mother’s grave. “Hi, Ma,” he whispered. He sat there and arranged the flowers in a pretty circle. “I need to tell you something. I hate you almost as much as I hate him. Because you let it all happen, and made me think fucked up things about love for the longest time. You were abused and neglected as well, so we never say, when we needed you most, you told us it was out fault. We shouldn’t have bothered him, we shouldn’t be so loud, we, we we. Never him. When I think about it, really think about it, strip it bare, the times I thought you protected us? It isn’t a wholly real memory. You hurt us too, so fucking much. I have your heart, Cullen said. That I shouldn’t let love be a curse on it.  What I feel for Eggsy is so different than what you and he had. It has potential, or the potential to have potential. If we get there, one day. You welcomed the pain, it made you feel whatever it did. I can’t be that person. I might one day be willing to live with the pain his job brings, but it has to be on my terms, not terms I fell into and tried to cope with, and eventually would have shattered under. I love you Ma, but honestly you were a bit of a cunt.”

“I don’t think we’re supposed to say that about our mother, are we?” Liam sat next to him. “That was a super good speech though.”

“You love three blocks away, how the fuck did you follow me here?”

“Oh, sometimes I have a sleep over in the cemetery - I like it in here. And it was a guess you’d come to see Ma tonight. She regretted you know. So much, tried so hard after he died to make it up to the rest of us. Said even if you let her, nothing could make up for how she hurt you. When it was near the end, she was given the last rites at home. Heather and Cull were with her. They heard her ask forgiveness for resenting you just like Da did, for trapping them. I’ve never seen Cull so mad as when he was telling us that. He said if you came for the funeral, it was going to be our life’s work to make sure you knew you were loved. And we say it lots, but I don’t think we’ve done it enough, if you cocked your relationship up with Eggsy like this. We love you Mer. You are the most loveable cactus ever. You are really really loved.”

Merlin felt Liam wrap himself around Merlin, and he leaned into the hug. “I’m going to love him for the rest of my life.”

“That’s cool. Be nice if you could love him and have him too - you know like most people who feel that shit do?”

“Aye, that would be nice.” But Merlin knew it wasn’t right, not at the moment. “Liam who would you have been if Da hadn’t been Da?”

“Still this. He shaped me the least, because he was mostly old and sick by the time I was an age that would have gotten smacked around, and really I was raised by you lot. Beside that isn’t the interesting question.”

“What’s the interesting question?”

“Who are you going to be right now?”

“Right now a middle aged man who sleeps in a fucking cemetery with his brilliant artist brother on their mother’s grave. And tomorrow, well, I’ll figure out that Merlin tomorrow.”

“As good a plan as any.”

Merlin lay on his mother’s grave and thought about Eggsy, how he could call him and they could try. They could try so fucking hard. And in the trying the love would sour and they’d go bitter. “I think Manchester will be interesting.”

“Closer too,” Liam said. “You at a library, Seb doing his masters. Going to be cool.”

“It will be...something.”

“You really going to go celibate now? Won’t that be weird after being a horndog after how many decades?”

“Very, but the thought of any but him is repellent.”

“How I feel about sex every damn day. I’ll stick with wood. I’ll make you something nice for your new place.”

“Thank you, Liam.”

“You think you’ll get to fall in love all over again with Eggsy?”

“I don’t know,” Merlin said. 

But he hoped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is going to be a time jump after this.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 3.5 years or so later

“Galahad, welcome home,” The Morrigan greeted. “The mission went well?”

“Even brought you back a few toy surprises,” Eggsy smiled at her, a small quirk of lips. “Think you’ll enjoy.”

“I am sure I will.” She took the bag. “You even have your after report done and submitted.”

“Was a long flight, and I promised Isabelle we’d go out for dinner tonight.” 

“Yes, I am aware. Could you join me in my private office?”

“Uh, can I stop by her desk first, just to say hi?” Eggsy rocked on his heels. He had been gone a month and was rather anxious to see his fiancee. He started to brush by The Morrigan but she stepped in front of him. “Problem?”

“My office,” she said firmly, and sure he wasn’t as scared of her as he used to be, but when she used that particular voice he hopped to. 

They walked down the hall, and the few people they passed gave him rather odd looks. “My fly undone?”

She didn’t say anything but when they were in her private office, she closed the door after them and locked it. “Eggsy, have a seat.”

“So, not work then. Fuck is there something with Roxy?” Eggsy took a seat, knowing she wouldn’t say anything until he did as he was told.

The Morrigan sat behind her desk and handed him an envelope. “This is for you.” 

Eggsy looked at her. “Is it Roxy?”

“Eggsy, dear boy, that in your worry, you asked about your best friend before your fiancee, you should be able to find your answers.”

Eggsy opened the envelope, and the ring he had given Isabelle fell out. There was a letter too, and he skimmed it. He wasn’t that surprised what it said. Remote, distant, and a host of other words that all his partners in the last three years had said. “Is she here?”

“She transferred to the Berlin office while you were gone. She would prefer you not contact her.” The Morrigan looked at Eggsy. “I have suggested to Arthur that you have a month’s leave, and he has agreed.”

“Why?” Eggsy frowned at her.

“Because you don’t seem very heartbroken about being dumped via me, two months before your wedding.”

“Oh, yeah,” Eggsy nodded. “Sure I am just numb, it will sink in, later.”

“Of course,” The Morrigan agreed. “Arthur is waiting with alcohol and a hug.”

“No hug from you?”

“If I hug you, please assume I have to tell you that you have one week to live.”

Eggsy pocketed the letter and ring, and went to Harry. He was sure he’d be torn up in a bit. He was just exhausted from the flight and the long mission. He and Isabelle had been together bit over a year, engaged a few weeks before this mission. He had had a couple of relationships before her, but they had all ended in a couple of months. One civilian and the rest in house, made the business travel a lot easier to explain. He had liked them all, and he had really liked Isabelle. She was sporty and silly. Had made him laugh.

It had been months after the last time he had seen Merlin before he had laughed again. He knocked on Harry’s door, and he leaned into the hug that Harry gave him. “Hi.”

“Eggsy. I am so sorry.”

“Thanks, sir.”

“We are officially off hours, son.” Harry guided him to a chair. They had grown closer over the last three years, Eggsy helping reshape Kingsman, Harry helping put Eggsy back together. He had done as good a job as anyone could have.

Not his fault, there was a couple pieces missing. “Hear you might have a drink for me?”

“I have several."

They drank in quiet together, Harry waiting to be whatever Eggsy needed him to be. “Knew we wouldn’t make it to the wedding,” Eggsy said softly. “Knew proposing was a dumb fucking idea.”

“Then why did you?”

“Because she made me laugh. Because it has been years, and I shouldn’t still be...I shouldn’t still be his?” Eggsy leaned his head against the back of the sofa. “Harry, she was great. If it Isabelle or Jordan before her, then who the fuck is it?” He closed his eyes and drank some more.

Harry remained blessedly silent because they both knew the answer.

“I hate that I still fucking love him so much,” Eggsy finally said, as he had after every single break up since Merlin. “Because it is bullshit that I can’t move on from a grumpy bastard who didn’t give a fuck that he broke my heart, when I was trying to make it all work.”

“Eggsy?”

“Yeah?”

“One night, over three years ago now, you told me several hard truths that I needed to hear. I was being a bastard, the job was destroying who I was and you set me right.”

“Course I did, you are one of my favourite people, Harry.”

“And you are one of mine,” Harry reassured him, and poured him a drink, “That is why this pains me so.”

“What does?”

“Telling you, that you are completely and utterly full of shit and you have spent the last several years rewriting history, and being a horrible boyfriend to good people.”

Eggsy had not expected that. He looked at Harry in shock. “Wot?”

“It didn’t work with any of them because you are still in love with Merlin, and instead of either trying to build anew with him or properly closing that chapter, you twist everything that happened, so that you are the victim.”

“I was,” Eggsy whispered harshly. “I was fixing it, wasn’t I? We were changing Kingsman.”

“It took us a year to implement all the changes, Eggsy. A year to put protections in place, plans.” Harry sat across from him. “Eggsy he would have to have waited that whole time.”

“If he loved me, he would have.” Eggsy finished his drink. “He could have.”

“With how hurt he was? With the lies stacked between the two of you? Having to sit there and know you had a honey pot, but not knowing what it truly was? I own a great deal of the pain that brought about your end, but Eggsy, you blame all that was yours on everyone but yourself.”

Eggsy felt the glass shatter in his hand. “I was going to make it up to him.”

“Eggsy, that is what he understood, and you still haven’t accepted. You couldn’t make up for almost a year of lies, of a thousand hurts. When did he figure out you were lying to him?”

“A couple months before it all fell apart.”

“The Morrigan did research for me, back when it happened. He had figured it out a few months into the relationship. You thought you needed to maybe be more careful with your lies, just in case. He knew all along something was up. And he stayed Eggsy. Until the lie grew so unmanageable that he had to save himself. I misjudged him at the time. I can see now what he went through trying to keep you.”

“So why didn’t he keep me?”

“What did he tell you? When you saw him last?”

“That if he stayed there would be nothing left of him in the end - he’d be his mum. But I never would have hit him. I couldn’t have. Harry, you know I couldn’t have.”

“I do,” Harry brought over a first aid kit, and began to clean up his hand. “But it doesn’t mean you weren’t destroying him. He didn’t break your heart, Eggsy.”

“Sure as fuck felt like it.”

“And you didn’t break his.”

“Yeah, I did.”

Harry wrapped gauze around his hand. “Very well, the analogy I was planning would have faltered anyways. You broke his heart in tiny little pieces, chipped away at it every fucking day, until the day he crushed yours into dust. You only want to see the crushing and not the chipping. And if you don’t acknowledge both, you stay the shadow of Eggsy that you have been for the last three years. Every month, more of the good man gets stripped away, and soon. Very soon, all that will be left of you is me. A Kingsman. And I have always wanted better than me for you.”

“If I acknowledge the chipping, Harry,” Eggsy could barely be heard, “Then I acknowledge I was abusing an abuse victim. Then I become the monster I try to pretend I am not.” He looked at Harry. “Because then I’m not the hero. I’m the villain.”

“Oh, Eggsy. No one is a hero or villain, not really. Mostly we are just annoyingly, appallingly human.” Harry kissed his head. “Eggsy, you are almost thirty. I do believe it is time to figure out properly who you are. Because you are not who you have been.”

“Thanks for the month off, Harry I think I’m going to need it.”

Eggsy had a Kingsman driver take him to his flat, and had a long shower and slept for a dozen hours. He went to get groceries, and do the million things that needed doing when back from a long mission. He had dinner at his Mum’s, and he swore Daisy had grown yet again. She was a weed these days, but she was eating a lot better since Sean had moved in and started cooking - guy was a lot better than Mum.

He somehow got roped into helping Sean move the furniture in Daisy’s room so it could be repainted. “Sean?” he asked after they had moved the dresser out. “You ever hear from Merlin?” Sean was quiet. “No, guess not. He wouldn’t be the sort to keep in touch.” Eggsy snorted a bit. “That much human contact would be icky.”

“Weekly email, monthly phone call, and every other month we get a list of suggested reading books for Daisy,” Sean replied. He went back for the bedframe, and Eggsy didn’t follow.

“He cares about Daisy?” Eggsy felt the heart he pretended was mended crack a bit.

“Course he does. She loved the grumpster, and she loved you. So she mattered to him. Once you matter to Merlin, he never lets go. Why he doesn’t let a lot of people matter to him.”

“He let me go,” Eggsy pointed out. “Must have not mattered that much.”

“Did he now?” Sean picked up the end of the her little princess bed. “Come on then, help me before my back gives out.”

Eggsy helped Sean get all the furniture out and made his goodbyes. He wandered a bit and found himself on Roxy and Johanna’s doorstep. He knocked on the door and had to laugh. They were in matching pajamas. “You’ll murder me if I take a photo won’t you?”

“Which one of us?” Roxy asked.

“Either.”

“We’d flip a coin. Come on in. I’ll put the kettle on for you two.”

“Actually, it’s you I need to speak to Johanna.”

“I see.”

Roxy kissed Eggsy’s cheek. “I’ll put the kettle on then.”

They went to the living room and Eggsy paced, while Johanna was as composed as she always was. “This isn’t a work work thing. This is a me thing, but you probably used work stuff to do this.”

“You want to know what I know about Merlin.”

“Yeah, because Harry would have had you keep tabs.”

“I kept them for myself as well,” she said. “Because my agent was hurting, and I debated killing the man for dimming your spark.”

“Aww, you do care.”

“I do,” and she was utterly sincere. “What would you like to know?”

“How long did it take before he started shagging everyone in sight?” Eggsy knew what Merlin had said, but with the man’s sex drive, he figured it wasn’t long.

“He has not so much as tongue kissed another person since his last time with you.” She looked at him. “Not one date, not a single hook up. The only time he kisses someone is if they are family, or on stage.”

“He still does grumpster in Manchester?” That made Eggsy happy.

“Among other things.” 

“What other things?”

“He acts.”

That confused the fuck out of Eggsy. “I’m sorry?”

“Two years ago he auditioned for a local community theatre play. Ghost of Christmas Future. No lines, just pointing and looking terrifying.” Johanna smiled a bit. “He got on with most of the other people and is just about to be in his third production. His first meaty role.”

“What play?”

“He’s the Narrator in Into the Woods.”

Eggsy blinked. “Merlin sings?” He had heard him hum a bit, but never sing.

“A little, and a voice suited to that sort of role. Rehearsals have started, the play is in three weeks.”

“Why are you telling me that?”

“Why indeed?” Johanna replied.

“I have tea and biscuits. Spending the night Eggsy. I have a set of matching pajamas for you as well.” Roxy smiled at him. 

“Thanks.” He changed and they all drank tea and watched telly. “Have I been not great the last few years?”

“You’ve grown more closed off. Serious. But it could be because of the job.” Roxy hugged him. “Or it could be because you’ve spent years fighting your heart.”

“I go see him, it might just be about proper closure, not you know getting back together.” He had to say that out loud. Just so Roxy was clear. Just so he was clear. “This is likely just putting ghosts to rest.”

“Then they finally rest. You finally rest,” Johanna said.

“That be good. Fuck, I don’t think I’ve properly rested in so fucking long.”

“Want to sleep in our bed tonight?”

“16 year old me would blow a nut.”

“Cuddles, Eggsy, cuddles and companionship.”

“That’d be brilliant. Because think I’m going to be spending my leave in bloody Manchester of all places.”

“Eggsy, one way or another, this will give you answers that you’ve been running from.” Johanna kissed his head. “No matter what they are, in the end that is a good thing.”

Eggsy nodded and let himself be comforted by his friends. The next day he booked a hotel suite in Manchester for the following week.


	17. Chapter 17

“Bloody hell, why the fuck did you think oh gee let’s take a bunch of blokes who once upon a time dreamed of acting, and this is as close as we’re ever going to get our families not laughing at us too much in a theatre where the roof is held up mostly thanks to her wishful thinking,” Merlin gestured to the woman playing Cinderella who was the perkiest and happiest creature in existence, and she terrified him on a daily basis, “and think yes...yes these people should do Sondheim!”

“You lot said you wanted a challenge!” Their volunteer director was looking a little stressed. They all were. “Also we were able to repurpose a lot of costumes and set pieces we already had,” he admitted. “Money’s a bit tight.”

“It’s community theatre, of course money is tight,” Merlin said. He groaned. “I can’t even hit that note.”

“To be fair, Uncle Mer, none of us can hit any of the notes in this thing.”

Merlin threw an arm over Sebastian’s shoulder, who was Prince #2 in the play. Two songs, and he wasn’t thrilled with it. But he was dating the man playing the baker, and he and Merlin roped Sebastian in to fill the untaken role. “You don’t sound bad.”

“I don’t sound good.”

“That is fair.”

Sebastian snorted a bit, and elbowed him. “Not that bad.”

Merlin snorted a bit. “You think we can actually pull this off?” he asked the director.

“Oh fuck no, we’re screwed, but we’ll go down swinging, and make sure our failure gives people their money’s worth.”

“I can respect that.” Merlin squeezed Sebastian’s shoulder, and went back to the rock where he was supposed to have a conversation with his son. His therapist was really pleased he had the role of the absent father, that it would help Merlin. The man was sweet, and Merlin didn’t hate going like he used to, but sometimes he got a little over therapisty. But he bought a ticket to all of Merlin’s shows.

At the end of rehearsal Sebastian kissed his boyfriend, and tucked his arm into Merlin’s. “Hey we finished one of the big group numbers in time with the cd! First for that.”

“We are an almost acceptable level of mid range talent.”

“Whole family is going to be here opening night.”

“How much whole?”

“I mean whole whole, everyone. They filled up one hotel.”

Merlin groaned. “Bugger. Fergus will never ever let go of me singing in public.” Merlin was going to complain more, but paused.

Sebastian tensed next to him. “What is it?”

“Someone is watching us.”

“Pick pocket?” Sebastian moved to the balls of his feet.

Merlin looked around, and shook his head. “Gone now. Was probably nothing.”

“Your therapist said, your hyper awareness is a gift, don’t reject your gifts even if they came from a shite person.”

“Yeah yeah,” Merlin rolled his eyes. “So why you with me, and not your boyfriend?”

“Just felt like hanging out with you tonight,” Sebastian replied. “And he has early meetings. I don’t have to TA until 11, and you don’t start tomorrow until the afternoon as well.”

“Ah, so we are up late watching some horrid show that he despises?”

“We are,” Sebastian agreed. “He asked me to move in with him.”

“And how do you feel about that?” They were at Merlin’s house he had been renting the last two years, and went inside.

“I told him, I couldn’t stay here, I missed Scotland too much.”

“You love him?”

“I think so,” Sebastian said. “I graduate this spring. Masters all done, already been feeling out jobs back home. I want space. I am thinking of living a solid 15 minutes away from the family.”

Merlin smiled at that. “A good distance.”

“He said, okay, was quiet. The next morning had been researching how easily he could find a job in Scotland.”

“Fuck me,” Merlin blinked in shock. “He’s willing to uproot himself like that for you?”

“Apparently?” Sebastian bit his lip. “He is looking forward to meeting the whole family, Mer.”

“What the fuck is wrong with him?”

“And I sort of asked Da to make him a dino onesie.”

“Oh,” Merlin looked at Sebastian, and pulled him into a hug. “That serious hmm?”

“That serious,” Sebastian agreed.

“I’m happy for you.”

“He’s still scared of you, you know.”

“I’m mellow these days,” Merlin protested. It had taken three years of space and time, and a fuckton of therapy and talking to Cullen and Ur, but these days he was only like 40% annoyed with the universe. It was generally accepted that anymore than that was unattainable.

His therapist thought he should at least try one date, just to be certain it wasn’t what he wanted. Cullen rejected that immediately, saying Merlin knew his heart well enough that that wasn’t necessary. It had been a relief to Merlin, he had had a panic attack at the very thought of going to a bar or something for a date.

A couple people in the community theatre flirted with him, and he was always polite, and had had to explain to them that he was taken. The one downside to learning how to perform friendliness was that now people talked to him.  He had gotten a 5 hour lecture with power point from Ur why wearing a wedding band was perhaps a bit unhealthy, but it kept people away. And Liam had made him one of rosewood that was beautiful and smooth and he adored. Sure Ur was right that it was completely unhealthy but fuck it. He never said he was particularly sane.

They settled into watching trash telly and Sebastian occasionally talking about his boyfriend and thinking through the relationship. It was perhaps foolish but when they wed in a year or two he hoped Seb would ask him to stand up with him. “Ugh, my mind is going too quick. I don’t suppose you had mail from Uncle Liam recently?” 

Merlin smiled. “I did.” He went to the kitchen, and came back with his weed tin. He still didn’t like more than the occasional drink, it still kicked flight or fight in, but his therapist had suggested a bit of mellowing aid for when Merlin’s hyper awareness and ptsd were growing. Merlin had set some rigid rules for himself about usage, and had been worried, but commercials were rather wrong, it was not a gateway drug. It was just bloody weed. And there were nights it helped. And nights it was just enjoyable.

He and Sebastian split half a joint and did a fry up at midnight, the stuff always making Seb ravenous. “Do you...never mind, we’re not allowed to ask.”

“Seb, you are almost my son more than my nephew at this point. Or the closest I’ll ever get. You can ask.”

“Do you ever want to call him?” Seb was eating some bacon. “Can I love bacon instead of Raj?”

“You can love both, I don’t think he’ll mind.” Merlin ate some eggs. “I want to call him everyday.”

“Oh. That’s beautiful and depressing as fuck.”

“That is my life in a nutshell, I find.” Merlin drank some juice. “Here is my logic. I’m going to love him until I die. My choice. I am not calling him because at this point it would be weird. Also my choice.”

“That wasn’t really an explanation. I feel like there was a sentence missing.”

“Probably. We smoked weed and it is after midnight.” Merlin put their dishes in the sink. “I’m showering and to bed. You know where to crash.”

“Yup,” Sebastian hugged him and drifted to the guest room.

Merlin had a shower and a wank, crawled into bed. He thought of Eggsy like he did most nights before bed. He picked up his phone and dialed a number. “Oxfords not Brogues,” he said.

“Eggsy Unwin is alive with no injuries,” an automated voice replied and the line disconnected. Over three years he had made that nightly call, there had been a couple instances of alive but injured. And one day he might call and hear that Eggsy Unwin has passed away, but that was not this night. He breathed and slowly fell asleep.

*

Mrs. Blythe was going to be the death of him. She requested the most obscure books known to god and man. He had been the first librarian to find what she needed and now she wouldn’t even speak to the others. She was a demon bitch from hell if there ever was one.

He adored her. So here he was and he was pretty sure he had found the book she wanted. In the bloody Yukon in Canada. He emailed the library and grabbed the cart of books that needed to be shelved. It was mostly paperbacks, it had been romance month at the library and been a rather successful event. He was humming some of his lines, muttering them under his breath as he put books away.

“Hey, looking for a book, wonder if maybe you could help me?”

Merlin wasn’t paying attention to the voice. “It is a library, so at least ye managed to find the right place to look for a book. What are you looking for?”

“How to talk to your ex?”

“A difficult task, for sure.” Merlin looked over from the shelf. He had a faint scar on his cheek now, carried himself differently. He radiated more of the restrained violence that Harry had. “What sort of conversation are you looking to have?”

“Not a fucking clue,” Eggsy replied. He was looking Merlin up and down carefully. “I had a plan, but seems Johanna lied to me. Congratulations.” He was looking at the ring on Merlin’s hand. “Guess the whole you were going to stay mine thing only lasted so long.”

Merlin heard the bitterness in Eggsy’s voice, and it made him ache. “Wear the ring for you lad,” he said. “Stopped the flirting at the theatre.”

“Because you act now.”

Merlin flushed a bit. “Aye, it is silly. But sometimes it is nice to fulfill the dreams you had as a child.”

“You never told me that.”

“I never told anyone,” Merlin shrugged at went back to shelving books. He needed the rhythm of it, even if his hands were shaking. “How have you been, Eggsy?”

“Alive.”

“I know.” Merlin closed his eyes. He shouldn’t have said that.

“How do you know?”

“I call the emergency line, almost every night,” Merlin did not look over. “Johanna set up an automation, and it tells me your living status.”

“Almost every night?” Eggsy was tense, coiled, and Merlin’s flight or flight was wanting to desperately kick in, but he was battling it as much as he could.

“Had the flu, was in America with Liam for Pride. Ur was in a car accident.”

“Three and a half years how many nights you miss calling?” 

“Maybe a dozen?” Merlin said after a minute of thinking.

“And you never thought to pick up the phone and call me?” When Eggsy stepped forward, Merlin couldn’t help the step back. He saw Eggsy flinch at that. He moved closer again. “I wouldn’t hurt you.”

“That’s the problem isn’t it?” Merlin looked at him. “Lots of hurt happened and a lot of healing needed to happen, and by the time that was done, not that it is, it had been years. I had long lost the right to call you.”

“Took years to get over me?”

“Oh, Eggsy, there is no getting over you. It was healing years of trauma and anger and fear, that being with you brought back to the forefront.” Merlin hated the way that that made Eggsy turn in on himself. “I loved you, Eggsy, I love you. And there was a lot of good. So much that was fucking brilliant.”

“But there was a lot that was rubbish.”

“Aye.”

“I had a fiancee. She was nice. Made me laugh. And she moved to a goddamn different country to not break up with me in person.”

“Well fuck that woman for breaking your heart,” Merlin growled a bit, annoyed at anyone that would hurt Eggsy.

“Merlin, heart was barely held together with cello tape, still completely buggered from you walking away from us.”

“Is that what you want to talk about?” Merlin looked at the empty cart there was no more to put away. “So that you can mend and find her, make it up to her?”

“No, that ship sailed to Berlin.” Eggsy crossed his arms. “I wanted to come and yell at you. Blame you, because blaming me hurts so much worse.”

“Lots of blame to go around, you lied to me, but I was lying every time I pretended to believe your lies.” Merlin gripped the edge of the cart, knuckles white. “We were an impossible thing as we were. Broken, breaking.”

“Lots of broken pieces still,” Eggsy said. “I just...I see you and everything I felt when I was fifteen floods back, only worse because I know what is like to have you. And fuck I yearn.”

“Yearn is a lovely word.”

“What my heart is thinking.”

Merlin had no idea what to do now, so he relied on the thing he always could. “Let me see what we half in the bullshit that is our self help section.”

Eggsy began to laugh. “Fuck that is...I missed you so much.”

“I missed you as well.”

“Changed a lot in the last three years.”

“So have I,” Merlin said. “My yearly review? Only 3 people complained about my attitude.”

“What the fuck?”

“I know, stupid therapy and talking to my family.”

“You know, I need something different?”

“Of course, what are you looking for?”

“Got the soundtrack for Into the Woods? I know a bloke who, rumour has it, is going to be performing in it in a few weeks. Kinda want to know the music. Going to try to make his show.”

Merlin paled at the thought of Eggsy being there. “He’s not very good.”

“If he wouldn’t object, like to judge that for myself.”

Merlin nodded slowly. “I’ll take you to our music section.” That night when he called the number he called most nights, the message was different. It was Eggsy’s voice giving his phone number to Merlin and saying he could ask directly.

_ Are you alive?  _ he texted.

**Yes. Injured heart finally healing. Bought a ticket to opening night.**

_ Bring earplugs. _

**Nah, think maybe I’ll bring roses.**

Merlin put his phone down, and yearned.


	18. Chapter 18

Eggsy glared at the man he was supposed to protect. “Are you dicking me around?”

“Me?” the man opened his eyes wide, and blinked innocently. “I would never, I am aware that doing so would likely cause great bodily harm and suffering to myself.”

“Yeah, it would,” Eggsy agreed. MI-6 wanted this bloke badly, he had agreed to spill all sorts of secrets, but they couldn’t bring him in themselves due to certain rules. So they had reached out to the Kingsman and offered a lot of money, and more than that all sorts of interesting resources that Johanna wanted desperately. Gawain had extracted the man, and now Eggsy had to play pretend boyfriends on a tour of Italy until a 00 picked him up. Only the guy swore he saw a contact, and now they were changing plans on the fly, and the fucker kept trying to seduce him, or sneak off and Merlin’s play was in 2 fucking days and if he missed the opening, all the mafias that wanted this guy dead were the least of his worries. “Here is the deal. MI-6 has someone coming out. We stay put right here, and they’ll be here in 3 hours and you will be their problem and I can go home.”

They were in a flat in an abandoned building, the rats were disturbingly large. With the largest being right next to him.

“I am sure we were seen. We should keep moving,” the man insisted.

“Nope,” Eggsy sat down in a patch that had no blood or shit, it was hard to find. He tapped the side of his glasses. “Morrigan, you got us?”

“I’ve got you,” she reassured. “I recommend knocking him out.”

“No, I’d have to haul the dead weight and my shoulder is feeling tetchy.” Eggsy looked at him. “Fuck I know we wouldn’t pay what MI-6 is for you.”

“You wound me.”

“I want to, I have plans,” Eggsy snapped.

“We could have plans,” the man said, and moved closer. “I have so many lovely things we could do.”

“Like get herpes, no thanks,” Eggsy snorted. He was about to say something else, when Morrigan made a noise. “Yeah?”

“Something isn’t right,” she said. “Do you trust me?”

“Implicitly.”

“Knock him out.” 

Eggsy fired the dart without hesitation, and the man crumbled. “What’s up?”

“He isn’t out guy. His voice patterns are just a touch different. Open his shirt.” Eggsy tore open the man’s clothes. “Fuck. He didn’t have that scar listed. The bathroom three days ago. He fucking switched.”

“With what?”

“A clone, a twin, a man paid to get facial surgery, I don’t know, but he said lovely wrong, and here we fucking are.”

“I hate MI-6.”

“You know what, so do I. Tie him up with a note and leave.”

“The real guy needs to be chased down. I’m going to miss Merlin’s show.”

“You are not,” Morrgian said firmly. “Three years you have given us everything. And before that you gave me my Lancelot. So just this once, because it isn’t our problem anyways, fuck the world. Come home agent.”

“Harry wouldn’t approve.”

“He can suck my dick.” He could hear Morrigan typing. “Just this once, Galahad, you can come first.”

He closed his eyes for a moment. “Thank you, Morrigan,” he whispered. He tied the man up and left a note for MI-6 and was home eight hours later. He realized after he reported in how exhausted he was and he burned the last of his energy in the gym and then crashed in one of the suites at the estate. He woke up relieved it was early afternoon. The opening night was tomorrow night and he wasn’t going to miss it.

Eggsy couldn’t believe he had that sort of luck, but he was not going to question it. He went to check in with the Morrigan, but she was busy making the head of MI-6 piss himself in fear, so he decided to just back out of the room. He took the bullet train back into the city and Harry was waiting. “How pissed are you?”

“Morrigan was right. It was bullshit,” Harry said, which Eggsy did not expect.

“Wot, really?”

“You should have caught the switch out, but on the other hand, MI-6 should have handled their own business. So we’ll let this one particular situation slide,” Harry said. “One thing that cannot though is your clothes.”

Eggsy looked down at himself. “I look fine.”

“Yes, you do. For right now. But I trust you will want to look dashing at the very least, for Merlin’s opening night.”

“I was figuring the basic Kingsman suit. It’s opening night at a community theatre, in Manchester, Harry. I go too posh it will stick out poorly.”

“What do we care about the rabble?” Harry waved a hand. “You go dressed impeccably so that Merlin can see you put effort in. That because this matters to him, it matters to you.”

“Oh that’s a good point. The grey suit?” Eggsy looked at Harry. “You know the three piece one?”

Harry shook his head. “My dear, boy, I have you taken care of.” He gestured to the wall, three new outfits waiting. “I had this made up for you.”

“Fuck, Harry.”

“This matters to you, so it matters to me.” Eggsy hugged Harry tight, which was never Harry’s favourite thing, but he let Eggsy do, and he even hugged back. “This might not be...I...I want hopeful Eggsy back.”

“He can’t come all the way back, burned him out pretty hard the last few years, but think we can find some hope. Now let’s try these on.” 

Eggsy tried on all the clothes, and the one he was drawn to the most, also felt the most absurd. “It is too bold, I’ll draw attention away from him.”

“It is the one you clearly feel most confident in, and you look incredible. It will be fine.”

“Harry you are big on not dressing wrong for an event. This feels wrong.”

“No, it makes a statement. You want him to know you are there, he will know.”

“Okay, yeah,” Eggsy agreed. He touched the orange fabric it was so soft and smooth. “I do love it.”

“I thought you would.”

“People are going to think I am insane.”

“Who the fuck cares?”

*

Eggsy didn’t bring roses to the theatre, because he figured the crinkle of the paper around them would drive people crazy or they’d get stepped on if he put them under the chair, or something. A few people were staring at his orange velour smoking jacket but not as many as he expected. He went into the small lobby over to a wall of pictures. He scanned his eyes over them and then found one of Merlin as Jacob Marley and smiled. He was a great looking ghost.

“We couldn’t believe it when he called and said he had auditioned and what the fuck were they thinking giving him a talking part. All he wanted was ghost of Christmas Future so he could point at stuff. And be all covered up. This has been good for him.”

Eggsy turned to the Scottish voice and blinked. “Well, that explains why no one has really cared about the orange.”

“It looks really good on you. I like the cut at the shoulders.” Another voice said coming over. “Love to get a look at the stitching.”

More drifted over, and Eggsy realized they had more effectively cornered him than any person he had fought in the last three years. 6 mostly or near enough middle aged civilians got him cornered at a crappy community theatre in Manchester. He could barely see around them.

“You know the horns might block other people’s views,” Eggsy pointed out.

“Why we’ll sit in the back row. Spouses and children are just in Sunday best,” Tabitha smiled at him. 

He stared at the dinosaur onesies, a couple of which had horns on the hood, just like most everyone else in the lobby. “Why?” he asked faintly. “Just...why?”

Ursula rolled his eyes. “You forgot already? Too many hits to the head?”

Eggsy glared at her. “Excuse me for wondering why the fuck you thought wearing those was appropriate? How dare you make fun of Merlin?” You -”

“Hey we aren’t making fun, we’re being supportive,” Liam said. “I have weed!”

Cullen pinched his nose. “Li, remember not so loud on that.”

“Why? It helps Merlin.”

“It is also not particularly legal?”

“Pretty sure his head person made it a medical necessity for anxiety and ptsd?” Liam frowned. “Right, Eggsy?”

“I wouldn’t know,” Eggsy reminded him. “Haven’t been around for three years.”

“Wait, you haven’t?”

“No.”

“Why not? He loves you, wears your wedding ring. I made it for him. I can make you matching.” Liam smiled and bounced a little. “Okay I’m going to run around the block, sitting for a long musical will make me stir crazy. Bye!”

“He’s gotten weirder?”

“No, he’s nervous for Merlin and Seb, just ramps him up a bit.” Cullen looked at Eggsy. “Merlin and Seb are scared, hence the dinos.”

“I still don’t -”

Heather pat his shoulder, and Eggsy stepped back a little, not liking being both cornered and touched. Ursula coughed and moved.

“Clear sightline out,” she said. “They are worried about making fools of themselves, being idiots. And if one of us is going to look like an idiot?”

“You all look like idiots, the great equalizer,” Eggsy remembered. He stared at them and they stared back. “You do look like idiots,” was what he managed to say.

“Excellent,” Cullen smiled. “Now I trust you’ll be sitting with the family?”

“I’ll just find a seat by myself.”

“Oh, you thought that was a question, that is adorable,” Ursula smiled at him. “You are sitting in the back row with us.”

“I -”

Tabitha smiled at him. “Family stays together, hun.”

Not only had they effectively cornered him, they effectively moved him into the theatre, and he found himself sitting in a back row with five dinosaurs, six when Liam bolted in and took the seat beside Eggsy just as the lights dimmed.

He looked down as he was handed stuff. Heather leaned over, “Water bottles, you’ll have to share a mini tissue pack.”

“Why do I need a mini tissue pack?” Eggsy whispered back. The director had pressed play and the intro score was starting.

“Oh, you aren’t going to cry from pride? Hmmm,” she whispered, and kept handing out supplies.

“I don’t cry,” Liam offered to Eggsy. He was biting his nail, instead, shaking his leg. “It will be fine, fine. All going to be great.”

Eggsy reached out, and took Liam’s hand away from his mouth. Held it tightly. “Yeah it is. It’s Merlin, right?”

“It is,” Cullen replied from a couple over, because maybe they weren’t being as quiet as they should.

The curtain started to open and for a moment got stuck half way before going all the way open. And there was Merlin.

Oh fuck, he understood the need for tissues.

Merlin was clearly scared and for a moment was scanning the dark theatre. You could see the second he saw the dinosaurs, the colours of the onesies even noticeable in the dark. And he saw Eggsy. 

Eggsy tapped the side of his glasses and blinked record. He watched Merlin take one deep breath and then say “Once Upon a Time” and he went off key a couple times and a tree in the background fell down, and the cow was a stuffed animal, and it was the most amazing thing he had ever seen.

Sebastian was game, but clearly not loving the experience, but Eggsy could hear Fergus sniffle a bit at his boy being on stage. He looked and realized everyone was crying and filming on their phones. Fuck but they loved each other.

When it was intermission. Eggsy decided to stretch his legs, see what the snack bar had. Heather was reaching into her bag. “I have sweeties, they overcharge.”

“Probably how they keep the lights on,” Eggsy pointed out.

“I’m not paying 3 bloody quid for a chocolate flake bar.” Everyone nodded in agreement. Eggsy made a note to make a donation to the theatre another day and took the chocolate bar she offered him. 

“He’s incredible,” Cullen said and wiped his tears. “Sebastian is trying hard, and good on him, but I mean he’s only on stage because of the d.”

“Oi, Preacher don’t say the d, and my kid in the same sentence,” Fergus pinched Cullen. “Even if it is the fucking truth. We need to put that man through his paces. Ur, can you make my son’s boyfriend’s life flash before his eyes after the show?”

“It would be my pleasure.”

“You lot terrify me,” Eggsy muttered, and felt Liam hug him.

“I’ll keep you safe.”

“You punched me,” Eggsy reminded him. “If anyone keeps me safe, it will be Tabitha.” She was the soft, Mum one of the group.

“Actually, she’s the one with the criminal record of all of us,” Cullen said.

“Wait, what?” Eggsy stared at her.

“Guy tried to steal my car,” she shrugged. “Apparently you beat the shit out of them for doing so, you can technically get aggravated assault charges.”

“Okay then.” The lights blinked, and they all settled back in to watch the depressing second half of the show. Merlin was amazing. He was bloody selling it, even when he flubbed a bit. And yeah okay, Eggsy needed a tissue, and he had to pry Liam’s thumb away from his teeth, before the guy started chewing skin off.

After the end, when Merlin came out to take his bow, they all erupted in a huge wave of noise and jumping and cheering, and Eggsy did too, not giving a damn about the dignity Harry had taught him about. He whistled hard, and he could see Merlin flush even through the stage makeup. 

When the curtain fell and the lights went fully up he looked at the family. “So...um….” 

“We rented a restaurant’s back room, you are coming,” Ursula said.

“I don’t want to impose,” Eggsy tried. “This is family time.” There was a lot of sighing and eye rolling at that. “It is,” he tried to insist.

Cullen put his hands on Eggsy’s shoulders. “Did coming today mean something?”

“I really fucking want it to,” Eggsy said, unable to lie to Cullen. Guy had some serious mojo going on.

“Then come to the damn restaurant,” Cullen squeezed. “This is a terrifying step, but if he could get up on that stage and sing. You can come eat pakoras with us.”

Eggsy nodded and got the address of the restaurant which was only a couple blocks away. He decided to walk needing some air and space to collect himself. He tapped the side of the glasses. “Morrigan?”

“Hmm?”

“You busy?”

“I’m always busy.”

“I need relationship advice.”

“And you come to me?”

“You and Rox seem to be surviving.” Eggsy leaned against a closed store. “You’re happy, and in love, and just are a set. What do I do, Morrigan?”

“What do you want to do?”

“That doesn’t fucking help.”

“Eggsy, it is what matters. He did well, watched through your glasses a bit.” He could hear her typing, and wondered at how strong her fingers were at this point, how flexible. He was trying to think of anything but what came next. “Eggsy. Take a moment. And think of him. Are you thinking about him?”

“Yeah.” Eggsy thought about Merlin tonight and how hard the man tried and how he had looked and how the family supported him and just the blinding smile he had had when he took his bow.

“Are you thinking of tonight, or the past?”

“Tonight, what else would I think about?”

“That suggests to me that you are looking to a future, not just wanting to close out the past. You weren’t thinking about who you were then. You are thinking about who you could become.”

Eggsy nodded. “Yeah. That sounds about right.”

“So why are you leaning on that wall, talking to me?”

Eggsy tapped the side of his glasses, and walked towards the restaurant. He went in and told the hostess that he was here for the party and was taken to a back room. It was just a wall of noise, and good smells from the food that was laid out. He slid into the space and watched the family. The dinosaurs had Merlin surrounded, though Ursula had the guy who had been the baker cornered. He looked scared but was still breathing, so Eggsy decided to let that just be. 

He had never seen Merlin quite this relaxed out in public before. He saw Merlin notice him and extricate himself from the dinosaurs.

“Ye look amazing.”

“You were amazing.”

“Fuck it was horrible and I have to do six more shows. Bloody hell,” Merlin groaned.

“I’ll be in the audience for each one,” Eggsy blurted out. 

He and Merlin just stared at each other. “Vacation time approved,” Morrigan said into his ear, and then went silent again.

“I mean, if that doesn’t sound crazy,” Eggsy said.

“Oh, no that sounded completely crazy,” Liam had been getting food and had overheard. “I mean Mer was great, but like that is a long and weird musical. You really want to see it six more times?”

“I want to see Merlin being amazing six more times.”

“Love is weird,” Liam took a plate of food and drifted away.

“You really don’t have to do that,” Merlin said.

Eggsy took a deep breath. “I want to. I’m going to. So yeah. Guess I’m staying in town for how long?”

“10 days,” Merlin said.

“10 days. Might need to stop at the library, get some books out.”

“I could help with that. And I take lunch at one tomorrow. Going to be fucking exhausted though, because I’m going to up with this lot for a while, I am guessing.”

“I don’t mind.” Eggsy reached out, and took Merlin’s hand. He hadn’t taken the wooden ring off for the musical. He brushed his thumb over it, the wood felt so warm. “Merlin, could I take you out to lunch? A date?”

“It would be my pleasure,” Merlin said softly.

“Mine too,” Eggsy brought Merlin’s hand to his mouth and kissed it. He ignored the swell of  _ awwww _ that came from Merlin’s family. He wasn’t going to pay attention to people who wore goddamn dinosaur onesies in public. Not when he could pay attention to Merlin instead.


	19. Chapter 19

“Thank fuck tonight is the last show, my throat is killing me. No clue how Raj has managed to do such an intense role,” Merlin was eating pot noodles for lunch with tea and honey, because they felt good. “I know you leave what tomorrow, day after?” Eggsy nodded, mouth full of sandwich. “Sorry that I won’t be talking during that time. Show is done I’m not talking for three days.”

“That’s okay,” Eggsy promised. “Been hearing your voice a lot the last few days.”

Merlin nodded. They had spent a lot of time together, he had even taken a couple days off work. They had been talking a lot. About their old relationship and what went wrong, about who they were now. Merlin shared more about his childhood than he ever had before, and Eggsy talked about the relationships he had had over the last few years. They had held hands a fair bit, and kissed. But every night Eggsy went back to his hotel.

And maybe it was absurd because he sent the text an hour after he had seen the man, but every night Merlin texted asking if he was alive, and Eggsy always answered. 

He couldn't quite say that they were back together, but it was looking like they were headed in that direction. “I won’t be talking much, but would you like to spend tonight at mine?” Merlin asked softly. He had finished the noodles and was sipping his tea. “In my bed?”

“Yeah, fuck yeah,” Eggsy agreed.

Merlin smiled at him. “Good. Now I have to teach a senior’s class on how to use the internet carefully.”

“So weird that you do more public stuff now.”

“In controlled ways. If you visit next month, ye can see me in a drag show.”

“Wait,” Eggsy looked gobsmacked in a way Merlin had never seen before. “You get dressed in goddamn drag?”

“No, I m.c.” Merlin grinned. “But I tend to be dressed...interestingly.”

“Give me a date, and I’ll do my best to come back,” Eggsy swore. “I am not fucking missing that.”

Merlin smiled a bit, and kissed Eggsy’s cheek. “Right be gone with you then.” Eggsy headed out and Merlin taught the senior’s class and didn’t kill anyone, and his voice was a little raw for the final show, but everyone’s was. But they were all game and when the curtain fell he watched Sebastian leap onto Raj and kiss him hard.

“I am never fucking doing this again,” Sebastian warned his boyfriend. “There is no power in this life or the next that will convince me to do this again.”

“Marry me,” Raj replied and they all froze. “Marry me, and I’ll move to Scotland to be with you, and I promise you never have to trod another stage again.”

“Sure,” Sebastian said.

“Jesus, try for a little romance, Seb,” Merlin groaned even as the whole cast was cheering for the happy couple.

“Sure is plenty romantic,” Raj said and Merlin had to admit the way they were smiling at each other was pretty fucking romantic.

The cast party became an impromptu engagement party and there was some friends and family there. And Eggsy. Eggsy stayed at Merlin’s side as they drank something that pretended to be champagne and ate sad cheese and crackers, and the director swore no musicals for at least three years. The guy looked half dead.

“Perhaps an Agatha Christie play next,” Merlin suggested. “That could be fun. And fairly simple to stage, aye?”

The director nodded. “That could be really fun. Let me think about it.”

Merlin talked with a few people, and eventually they headed towards Merlin’s house. “Bet you never want to hear Into the Woods again.” Eggsy really had come to every single show.

“I admit that I need a bit of a break, yeah,” he agreed.

“I never want to hear a Sondheim lyric again, and am debating mysteriously losing every copy of a work of his in the library.” Merlin let them into the house. “Right, I’m going to shower. Could you make us a cuppa?”

“Sure,” Eggsy agreed.

Merlin scrubbed the sweat off, and almost had a quick wank, and then remembered they were likely going to have sex. He had been so used to going without, shower wanks had become habit. He went downstairs and stopped, stunned. “Eggsy?”

He was making up a tea tray.

And wearing the dinosaur onesie that had been made for him years ago. He had kept it.

He had kept the fucking dinosaur onesie.

Merlin turned around and ran upstairs to put his on. Because if Eggsy needed to be an idiot, he’d be right next to him. They sat in the living room, drinking tea, pretending they were watching the telly, and not saying anything.

In their dinosaur onesies. Because that meant, no matter what else, somewhere in the back of his mind, Eggsy had thought, maybe he'd one day need it again.

“So Seb and Raj are going to get married and move to Scotland.” Eggsy had put down his cup and Merlin did the same. “They are well sorted.”

“They are.”

“Do you think...are we well sorted?”

“I think we are getting there,” Merlin said. “And I would very much like to call us a couple, partners.”

He felt the tension just drain out of Eggsy and he leaned against him. “I want that. So much.”

“So we try?” Merlin kissed the fleece hood over Eggsy’s head. “Be my boyfriend, Eggsy.”

“Move back to London!” Eggsy blurted out. “Move back so we can do it right this time. Because of the job, I cannot move to Manchester, but you could get work at another library yeah? And we can start again.”

Merlin was quiet. He could picture it. He definitely had enough contacts that it wouldn’t be that difficult to find a job. And they’d see each other regularly whenever Eggsy was in town. “Eggsy?”

“Yeah?”

“What do you do for a living?” It was a topic they had been well skirting around.

“I can’t tell you,” Eggsy said, and Merlin froze. “Not all the way, and not until you sign a nondisclosure agreement. I can never tell you everything. But right now? I can tell you that I’m one of the good guys. That I try, we all at Kingsman try to be the good guys. Valentine’s day was ended because of us. We get back together I will make sure they understand that I cannot save the world with my dick unless there is absolutely no other choice. Like super duper no other choice.”

Merlin absorbed that information, processed it. He could live with that for right now. “No more me not knowing for weeks if you are dead or alive.”

“When I’m away on business trips, can’t really be on my personal phone much, but I’ll have Johanna set the line back up again for you.”

“I’m never going to all the way like Harry.”

“That’s okay, just promise you’ll try?”

“I can do that,” Merlin agreed. He carefully took Eggsy’s hand. “Eggsy I love you, and I have never fucking stopped. I want to give you everything I can, everything I am.” And then he was quiet. It was so damn difficult to say the words.

“But you aren’t moving to London,” Eggsy filled them in.

“No, I am not.” Merlin took a deep breath. “It isn’t a big life, and it will be less with Sebastian gone come the summer, but it is mine. It is what I have built and I like it. I miss London, to be sure, but I don’t want to walk away from what I have here, not yet.”

“So what do we do?” 

“Skype, phone calls. I can visit London, you can come here. We try.” Merlin played with Eggsy’s fingers a bit. “Because taking this slow is not a bad thing.”

“How slow?” 

“Slow on the big decisions,” Merlin suggested.

“Is sex in that category? Because I kinda really want to be fucked by you tonight.”

Merlin pulled Eggsy onto his lap, and kissed him hard. “Close to almost four years since I fucked anyone. What if I am not good anymore?”

He enjoyed the way Eggsy laughed against his mouth as they kissed. “I think your few decades of serious dedication to fucking will have given you enough muscle memory on doing this.”

“Let’s find out,” Merlin stood them both up and they went to the bedroom. Dino onesies were quickly shed and they fell onto the bed. It wasn’t great sex, they were both so hungry for each other, that touches were too quick, too hard. There was a good bit of fumbling, and the moment when they realized their was no condoms. Merlin was clean and Eggsy quickly had to call medical to check on his blood work.

“All good,” Eggsy said breathlessly. Merlin opened the lube, and a coated finger soon pressed into Eggsy.

“I have missed the feel of you against me,” Merlin said. “You have more scars.”

“Suits are bulletproof, knife proof harder than you think.” He arched up into Merlin’s touch. “Fuck, had a couple decent blokes, but you are so much better.”

“We all have our skills sets. You apparently saving the world. Me, shelving books, and fucking you right.” A second finger pushed in, slightly before Eggsy was ready, but neither man could really wait any longer. Merlin couldn’t stop kissing Eggsy, relishing the taste of his skin, and he was grateful he was in his mid-fifties because meant when he pressed into Eggsy, the sensation didn’t have him coming almost instantly.

They fumbled a bit, trying to get a rhythm to click, Merlin pulled out too much and had to line up and try again, but they just sank into each other and everything snapped into place.

It became incredible.

Merlin had no idea is time was moving too quickly or slowly, all there was, was the heat of Eggsy’s body, the look in his eyes. Merlin was the first to come and he slid out of Eggsy’s body and sucked him off, loving the feeling of swallowing him down. 

They cleaned up and cuddled in bed. “I’m sorry,” Merlin whispered. 

“For what?” Eggsy snorted. “That was brilliant.”

“That I won’t come back to London.” Merlin closed his eyes. “That it is a won’t, not a can’t.” He felt Eggsy’s lips press against his chest. “I don’t know if we make it if I just come back.”

“I don’t think we do,” Eggsy agreed. “I think this time we build slow, however long it takes. There is a lot of can’ts that will happen in us being together, yeah? And last time because of that we weren’t drawing lines in the sand, or were drawing weird ass ones. This time, we figure out the balance of those. So we do long distance. Not like there will be an ocean between us. We’ll figure it out.”

“Aye, we will.” Merlin kissed his head. “And I am sorry but that is all the words I have in me. Be a couple days before I’m going to want to talk much.”

“That’s okay. We’re going to have lots of time for words.” Eggsy snuggled in close, and they fell asleep.

Eggsy left the next afternoon, after several passionate kisses. Merlin signed all the paperwork that a lawyer brought to his door and on skype, Eggsy told him what he could. Merlin asked if they could role play James Bond and surprisingly enjoyed the fuck MI-6 rant that came after.

They got really good at skype wanking.

Merlin texted Eggsy every night asking him if he was alive and received an affirmative. When Eggsy went on a business trip, he called the old number the first night and there was Johanna’s prerecorded message.

But it was just a little bit different.

“Eggsy is alive with no known injuries. He loves you and wishes you good night.”

The line cut off and Merlin smiled to himself. 

He looked down at the ring he was wearing, and thought maybe one day, when he wasn’t at work, it seemed likely that Eggsy would wear one too.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Several years later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading

“Look, Carol, I have fallen in love with you, and I ever have a girl pet, I will name it Carol, but you need to listen to me. I need to get into that library.” Eggsy listened as Carol cursed him out. “Was that really professional?” She cursed some more.

He loved Carol.

“I don’t care what it costs, add it to the tour.” Eggsy listened to some more cursing and that he’d get a call back in an hour. He hung up, and sauntered into the Morrigan’s office. “Never thought travel agents were still a thing, but they are, and may the good lord keep mine safe.”

“She bought a dart board solely to throw darts at a picture of your face.” Morrigan was typing away as usual. “Her aim is getting quite good.”

“This trip has to be perfect,” Eggsy said for the thousandth time. “No way could I have done this myself. Even you couldn’t have done it.” He winced because you never ever suggested there was something that Morrigan couldn’t do. “I mean...”

“No, I couldn’t have done this, mainly because I wouldn’t want to.” She paused her typing. “Your three weeks vacation for the trip have been approved. Though, I still think this is a dumb fucking idea.”

“It isn’t, it is going to be bloody brilliant.” Eggsy tried not to panic, because yeah maybe planning this without any input from Merlin was a bad idea, but on the other hand, it would be amazing. “Bloke only turns 60 once, and since he’d murder me and nuke the country if there was even a hint of a surprise party, a surprise three week tour of the most historic libraries in Europe seems like a damn good way to celebrate.” Eggsy looked at her screens. “Bors out?”

“Hmm, he hasn’t blown anything up yet. So you know earth shattering kaboom is imminent.” 

“You have time to talk what I need to do in Bermuda next week?”

“Until we hear the boom, we have time.” They discussed the upcoming mission and Eggsy had a few tweaks he wanted in his gear, and twenty minutes later there was a huge explosion and Eggsy pretty much ran to his office, not wanting to hear what the Morrigan was going to shout. He caught up on paperwork and when his phone rang he grinned. “Tell me you made it happen.” He listened. “What do you mean no?” He waited some more. “Fine tell me your alternate.” His eyes widened. “Bullshit. You can make that private collection happen? I read about it in a Buzzfeed list. You are the fucking best, Carol.” He winced at the price she quoted, but fuck it, Merlin’s 60th warranted a bit of extravagance. He told her to book it and checked over the trip plans. It was going to be exhausting and brilliant.

“Yeah?” he called when there was a knock on his door. “Hey, Rox. What up?”

“I bought a new sofa, and it is being delivered. Help me move the old one? Got beer and dodgy leftover Chinese in it for you. And you can tell me all about the trip plans. Again.”

“How could I refuse?” Eggsy joked and happily followed eager to tell someone what he just learned. When they arrived at Roxy’s, Eggsy looked around. “Huh, more cars parked than usual. Must be a party somewhere.”

“Must be,” Roxy agreed, and opened her door. 

Eggsy went to the living room that had a dozen people in it. His friends and family. Merlin in the middle. “Hiya?” He was thoroughly confused.

“Oh my god, he did forget,” Daisy started giggling. “You forgot your own birthday.”

“No I didn’t,” Eggsy stuck his tongue out at her. “My birthday is like on the 6th.”

“Which is today, Eggsy,” Merlin said. “Surprise, Happy Birthday.”

Eggsy looked at everyone in shock. 

“We decided jumping out and yelling was a bad idea,” Roxy said. She tossed couple streamers in the air. “Surprise,” she said completely deadpan.

Eggsy started to laugh. So much so he had to bend over and brace himself. “Oh my god, I got so busy for the plans for next month, I forgot my own birthday. That is fucking hilarious.”

“Don’t swear in front of your sister,” Michelle warned him.

“It is really fucking funny,” Daisy said.

“Oi,” Sean nudged her. “No second slice of birthday, missy.”

Daisy’s tween years were being full of a lot of adventures and Eggsy was thankful for Sean’s steady hand in her life. Music started, and drinks were handed out. Eggsy still couldn’t believe he had forgotten his own birthday. Everyone was laughing at him, just a little, and he didn’t mind in the least.

Merlin had moved next to him, and stroked his thumb over the wooden ring that Eggsy had started wearing two years before. “So you are planning something for next month, hmm?”

Eggsy shrugged. “Maybe.”

“My birthday is next month.”

“Is it?” Eggsy nuzzled Merlin’s jaw. “Promise you’ll love the surprise.”

“I have a few surprises for you as well,” Merlin said.

“Oh yeah, you in town for a few days?” Eggsy could think of all sorts of lovely things that they could do while Merlin was in town. They had established a decent routine over the last several years and saw each other as much as they could. Over the first year, he had grown to realize how glad he was Merlin hadn’t taken up his request to move to London. The space and time had let them slowly build a new relationship, let them figure out their way forward.

He had only missed one of Merlin’s opening nights with the community theatre, and yeah he wore his dinosaur onesie with the rest of family for the ones where Merlin was especially nervous. He and Liam had become surprisingly close, and he was godfather to Seb and Raj’s daughter. It was a good weird having so much family now.

“I am not six, I am not opening all the gifts while everyone watches,” Eggsy said when he was steered to a chair a couple hours later.

“Yes, you are,” Harry said. “You wouldn’t let me celebrate your 35th birthday the way I wanted to, so you are going to deal with us making your 36th a memorable one.”

He opened a lot of booze, and ties, and a few gift cards. Until there were just a couple things left.

“That one is mine,” Merlin said.

Eggsy opened the wrapping carefully, and laughed a bit. He pulled out a cheap plastic card holder that was stamped with pugs all over it.

“Couldn’t believe I found one that near like the one I bought you, before.”

Eggsy looked at it, and had to blink tears away. “I’ve been at least a little bit in love with you for twenty years,” he realized.

“A poor life choice to be sure. There is another thing in there.” Eggsy saw the folded papers at the bottom of the box, and opened it up. It took him a minute to read them, to understand what they were saying. “Babe, says you are retiring?”

“Aye, have a good bit saved up, put in my notice,” Merlin said. “Effective just before my birthday next month. Manchester will be sorry to lose me.”

Eggsy felt the breath catch in his throat. “Why will Manchester be losing you?”

“Doesn’t feel like a city to be retired in. London though, London feels like sort of city a man should retire to.”

“That makes no sense, one retires to the country side,” Harry protested.

“Harry, he means that he is moving here, to be with me,” Eggsy said. He looked at Merlin. “That is what you mean right?”

“It does. If you would like.”

Eggsy took the two steps to Merlin, and kissed him hard. “Yes. Fuck yes. All the yes. You’ll move in with me, yeah? And we’ll be happily ever after. Oh my god, you are going to be the grumpiest retired man ever. It is going to be insane.”

“I have already practiced say, get off my lawn, while waving a fist.” 

Eggsy had to kiss him again. He then frowned. “Fuck I have our flight leaving from Manchester. Need to call Carol get that changed.”

“What flight?”

“You’ll find out next month,” Eggsy said. Everyone had drifted towards Roxy’s kitchen giving them space. “You don’t have to do this. We’ve been making it work.”

“I want to,” Merlin reassured him. “I want every minute we can have together.”

“How long before you get sick of retirement and go back to work?”

“Betting three months,” Merlin replied.

“Yeah, I am betting one,” Eggsy said. He kissed Merlin again. “Mine.”

“Yours,” Merlin promised.

“16 year old me would be pretty happy with how this turned out.”

“Would he?”

“Yeah, he was always a sucker for happy endings.” Eggsy nuzzled against Merlin. He realized he was still holding the little pug wallet tightly.

It would be perfect for holding train passes on their upcoming trip.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Moodboard for "Books and Hearts Need to Be Handled Gently"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20317783) by [merwinist](https://archiveofourown.org/users/merwinist/pseuds/merwinist)




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